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It is a groan that perfectly echoes my own frustrations.
‘How can I say it? You’re the one who said it! And I think you spoke the truth. I think that’s how you feel.’
‘I was wrong. An idiot. I hadn’t expected to love anyone ever again, and after two years you blew up my whole world. Everything I thought I knew and wanted exploded in front of me. I fucked up. I fucked up. I should never have let you walk away from me. I should never have let you quit.’
I swallow, my mind rushing to comprehend what he is saying, my brain working overtime trying to pick faults with his rationale.
‘I don’t believe you. You had so many chances to make this work. I think you can’t stand that I’ve left you, but that’s not the same as wanting this—us.’
‘I wanted to convince myself that I could contain our relationship. That we could be lovers and work together without any emotional fallout.’
I nod, and then I shiver. I realise belatedly that I haven’t turned the heating on and the house is frozen.
‘I know that. You did a great job. You were able to flick a switch and turn yourself off when it suited you. That’s not love either.’
‘No,’ he groans. ‘I couldn’t. That’s the problem. From the first time we kissed you have been all I can think about. That whole trip to Tokyo I was counting down the minutes till I could see you again. God, when you walked into the boardroom and you were so fucking cold—as though you could barely remember my name, let alone the fact I’d made you come against the wall of my office... Gemma...you’ve had me since then. I have been yours completely.’
A sob is silenced by my throat.
His voice is gravelly and I hear his sincerity, but my brain doesn’t buy it.
‘I’m messed up. I know that. What happened with Lucy was a shitstorm I never braced myself for. There are going to be days when I don’t cope as well as others. Days when I am reminded of the tragedy of her loss.’
‘I know that,’ I whisper. ‘That’s natural.’
‘Lucy’s birthday—it’s hard. It’s a day that should be spent celebrating her chalking up another year and instead I just... I really feel her absence on those days.’
His e
yes are bleak when they meet mine.
‘The hardest part about realising I love you is accepting that I’ll always feel like this. Like I’m betraying her by being with you.’
‘No.’ I shake my head, sadness for him filling me up. ‘I don’t want that. I don’t need you to choose between Lucy and me. We’re different, and how you love us is different. You never have to hide that sadness from me. Don’t you get it? I love all of you, Jack, and that means loving your grief and your sadness. Loving you even when you are lost and alone. Loving Lucy, too, and honouring your relationship.’
His eyes are wide, as though he has never imagined I could say that.
‘She’d have been as pissed off as all hell at the way I’ve jerked you around,’ he mutters. ‘She’d have been glad I’ve fallen in love with you. She would have liked you.’
He strokes my cheek, his lips close to mine. So close. I breathe in deeply and can almost taste him.
‘I like you,’ he whispers against my mouth. ‘I like the way you drink almost as much coffee as I do. I like the way you can’t hold a tune to save your life. I like the way you don’t put up with my bullshit. I like the way you use that magnificent brain of yours and make me exhausted just trying to keep up with you. I like the way you see me and know that beneath all the fucked-upness there’s something about me that you actually like. That I’m worth loving.’
He is. He is worth loving, and I do completely. But it is all so complicated.
I bite down on my lip, staring at him through new eyes. ‘I just don’t... I braced myself for this to end. But for me it was never just sex.’
‘No.’ He cups my cheek, his smile a secret communication from his heart to mine. ‘It was definitely never that.’
He kisses the tip of my nose, like he did after my parents’ party, and as then my heart soars.
‘I know there are no guarantees in life or love, Gemma. I know that better than anyone. But I’m not going to waste another second when we can be together. You mean too much to me. So? What do you say?’
‘About what?’ I ask, my lips twitching into a smile.
‘Let’s do this.’
‘Do what?’ I prompt, shaking my head slightly, feeling a sense of bemusement wrapping around me.
