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“No, I’m telling you it’s lice. You need to go treat yourself like right now,” I say, standing up. “And I need to get the hell out of here. I’m sorry.”
He stands up, tossing his napkin down. “If you weren’t having a good time you could have just said. You don’t need to make shit up.” He sounds highly offended I told him the truth.
“Dude, I’m out of here. Treat that shit before they start walking on your face,” I say and rush out of there.
After treating my hair with the lice shampoo, I Googled every home remedy to get rid of them and did those, too. I feel so fucking disgusting and itchy. I can’t stop itching. What kind of fucking idiot doesn’t think it’s lice when his kid just had it?
I have everything I can fit in the washing machine, and I’m standing on the couch vacuuming it. I need to make sure that nothing got on me or in this house. Oh God, I want to puke. I pull the hose off the vacuum and start sucking the back of the couch.
“Regan, what the hell are you doing?” Tenn yells over the noisy vacuum.
I turn it off and spin around, looking at him. “He had lice!” I yell, holding the hose up in the air.
“Who had lice? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Peter, Peter my fucking date tonight, had lice. Now I’m scared I have it, and I need to make sure everything is vacuumed since I treated my hair already,” I say, sighing.
“You don’t have lice.” He tries to reassure me.
I move to the end of the couch and look in his eyes. “How do you know? You didn’t see him, Tenn. He was digging at his head like there was fucking gold up there. I shook his hand, what if one of those fuckers ran up my arm and into my hair? It could be making a nest in there right now,” I yell.
He grabs my hand and pulls me off the couch. “Sit on the floor,” he instructs.
“I don’t have time for your games,” I say.
“Sit your ass on the floor so I can check your head,” he says, motioning for me to sit.
“Oh my God, okay,” I say and plop down.
He sits on the couch and starts going through my hair. Piece by piece, he moves my hair around and looks. I can’t lie, it feels good as hell.
“You know I don’t think lice like red hair, so I think you’re safe,” he jokes.
I laugh and turn my head looking up at him. “Thank you, Tenn.”
He smiles and turns my head to finish looking.
**
After my last disaster of a date, I decided to wait on going out with Jennifer’s brother. I mean I’d rather go out with lemon teeth again than lice head. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do all these losers keep finding their way to me?
These are all the things I keep thinking as I drive home from the gym. Tenn likes to force me to go every once and a while, and since he’s been so sweet lately, I figured I owed him. As I pull up my block, I notice my mom’s car in the driveway. Great, this should go well. Hauling my sore ass inside, I look around for her.
“Mom?” I call out.
“In here,” she says. From my fucking bedroom.
I walk in there, and she is going through my drawer. You know that drawer we all have, with a vibrator, or in my case, ten. “Mom, what the hell are you doing?”
She looks up at me smiling. “Well, I
came by to see how things were going and you weren’t home, so I thought I’d clean up a little. I was putting away your clothes, and I found your dildo drawer.” She pulls one out and giggles it at me. “I have this one, it works great, doesn’t it? Your dad likes to get it all lubed up…”
“No, no, no. Stop, Mom. I don’t want to hear what Dad does with your stuff,” I shout.
She rolls her eyes and puts it away. “He uses it on me, silly girl.”
That makes it so much better. Christ, not only do I not want to ever have that visual in my head, but now I need to go out back and burn my favorite vibrator.
