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“Oh Fred, we just want the details. Come on, let’s sit while dinner is finishing up. Wine, dear?” my mom excitedly asks.
I blow out a breath, forcing a smile. “Please, a big glass.” The dads go back to watching football, and I’m stuck at the table with the gossip girls. I take a large sip of my wine and hold it, looking around. “Where is David?”
“Your brother had a date, but enough about him. Tell us about your new man,” my mom says, rubbing her hands together.
I have two choices here. Tell the truth or lie. If I tell the truth, they will all continue to ride my ass, but if I lie, I run the risk of getting caught. My eyes bounce back and forth between both moms wearing matching, shit-eating grins, and I know what I need to do.
“We haven’t been together all that long, so I’d rather not say too much. I will say that Tenn does approve, though,” I lie, chugging my wine, grateful that my mother owns such large wine glasses.
“If my son approves, we all will,” Brenda says, eyes sparkling with love for her son.
“Come on, give us something. How did you meet?” my mother pushes.
How did we meet? Shit. “Believe it or not, Tenn set us up.”
Brenda looks at me with her mouth hanging open, while my mom is smiling wider than the day I graduated high school.
“Tennyson set you up?” Brenda asks in disbelief.
“Yep, it was his idea. He said I needed to get out there, and he had the perfect guy.” It’s not totally a lie, he did say that, just not about my pretend boyfriend.
“Huh,” she mumbles.
“What?” I ask.
She takes a sip of her wine, glancing over at my mom for a second before looking back at me. “Well, it’s just that I always thought Tennyson had feelings for you. I guess I’m just surprised he’d set you up with someone.” What the hell? This is news to me.
“Hush up, Brenda. Your son has plenty of women, my baby only has this one. So have you had sex yet? Because you know if you aren’t sexually compatible it won’t work,” my ever so insightful mom says.
“Mom, please stop.”
She rolls her eyes. A move I’ve gotten smacked for plenty of times growing up. “Regan, you need to know how to satisfy your man, and he better know how to satisfy you. Have you given each other oral sex yet? A bit of advice, let him use his mouth on your vagina.”
“Mom! Holy shit, stop. I don’t need sex advice,” I yell.
Every time with my parents’. They are walking, talking sex billboards. When I was in high school, they both would sit and talk with my friends for hours about sex, while I was in my room watching movies alone. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great they have a healthy sex life, I just don’t want to fucking hear about it.
“Dear, you can always use sex advice. When Fred and I first met, I almost cried when I saw his penis the first time. It was so big and thick, it scared me. I’d never been with a guy so well-endowed before. You know my Tennyson is just as big as his father. Do you think he’s good in bed, Regan? I mean if you don’t hear anything coming from his room, maybe I need to have a talk with him,” Brenda says, making me want to literally rip my ears off. I’d rather be deaf than listen to this shit.
“No, no. You don’t need to worry about Tenn, he’s all good,” I say, downing the rest of my wine.
The oven timer goes off, sounding the end of round one.
“Great, dinner is done,” my mother says, standing up as Brenda follows her lead. “We’ll continue this conversation over dinner.”
I let my head fall to the table, and I don’t even give a crap that it hurts. I bang it over and over, hoping that maybe I will give myself a concussion and it will somehow make me forget the rest of this night.
**
Dinner was long, dessert was longer, but I’m finally escaping. “Thanks again for dinner. It was great to see you all,” I say, lying through my teeth. It was horrible and embarrassing.
“Our pleasure. Now make sure you practice those Kegel exercises. You want those muscles nice and tight,” my mom says, handing me leftovers.
“Great advice, Mom,” I say and kiss her cheek.
I’ve never been so damn happy to get into my car. Well, not since the last time I was here anyway. Driving home, I scold myself, wondering what the hell was I thinking telling them I had a boyfriend? I should have expected the unwarranted advice to be tossed in my lap as soon as my mother assumed I’d found someone new. Again, I have one of two options. Tell them we broke up or get out there and find one. I think you know by now which I’m going to choose.
When I get home, I’m surprised to see Tenn’s truck, but then I realize he’s probably got Wendy or Robin here. Great, just what I need to listen to. Ugh! I white knuckle the steering wheel and briefly contemplate finishing off my attempt at a concussion from earlier. Head to oak table four or five good whacks had to have knocked something loose in there, right? Maybe if I angle the blow just right… Huffing, I pull up my big girl panties and go inside.
