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I can’t believe what just happened. I am equal parts humiliated and impressed. I am beyond disgusted with myself for fucking that piece of shit in the bathroom. I never would have thought that something like this would happen. Not only did he humiliate me, but also he humiliated Becca. My sleeping around has come back to hurt one of my best friends. Shit happening to me is one thing, but my girls that is stepping over the line. I have never considered how my actions could hurt those that I love. It has me rethinking everything.
On the flip side. The way that Young defended me, had my heart swell. I have never had a guy defend my honor before. They usually have each other’s back, but not this time. When Young punched him, I was shocked. He didn’t even think about it, he protected me. I’ve never in my life been protected from a man, it is causing me to feel all these things that are completely foreign to me. In the past, it was men that I needed protecting from. Tonight, Young proved to me that there are actually men that will protect you. I have a lot of thinking to do, that’s for damn sure.
Campbell, Kenz, Becca, and Dick are all talking in a circle. Young, he is bent over at the waist with his hands on his knees, his head hanging. I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his center and lay my head on his back. “Thank you for what you did in there.” He stands up and turns to face me. His face is a mix of emotions, anger, sadness, and another one I can’t exactly identify. I smile at him and he winks at me. I fucking love when he does that.
“Babe, you never have to thank me for defending you. I will never let anyone, I don’t give a fuck who they are, talk that way to you. I have never been so enraged. You do this to me; you make me feel all these things I’ve never felt before. I’ve never defended a woman like that before, I’ve stuck up for them, but I’ve never actually wanted to kill someone. I wanted to kill him for what he said to you. Now, get over here so I can kiss the shit out of you.” He gives me that panty-dropping grin and I can’t help but go right into his arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and move my hands into his hair. He slides his hands down to my ass and squeezes. We haven’t broken eye contact and I feel like for the first time in my life, I don’t want to hide. I can’t say that I am ready for any kind of relationship, but I will continue to hang out with him as friends. He finally puts his lips on mine and I open my mouth wanting nothing more than to taste him. Once his tongue touches mine, I am lost in the moment. I grip onto his hair and he pulls me closer to him. This kiss is passionate, more meaningful than most of the kisses we share. I am trying to relay to him how grateful I am for what he’s done, and I think he may be trying to relay how grateful he is I am still here.
“As much as I love watching you two, can we get the hell out of here before things get more out of hand.” Leave it to Campbell to kill the mood. We break apart and he pulls me to him in what I can only describe as a protective hug. We break apart and he grabs my hand once we start walking. I don’t even pull away; I admit I love having his rough hand in mine.
“Becca, are you okay, sweetie?” I haven’t spoken to her yet and I feel absolutely horrible for what I’ve done to her. She turns to look back at me and I can see the tears in her eyes. Fuck, I did this to her. All because I feel like I need to fuck every one. I really am a fucking slut. Brad is a piece of shit, but he did have a point, only a slut would fuck in a bar bathroom. Well, I guess I don’t necessarily believe that, but only a slut would fuck in a bar bathroom so many times that she can’t even remember half of the guys.
“I’ll be fine. I am just humiliated that he used me like that.” No one says anything and we just continue our walk home. Once we are all back at the apartment, the guys come over. Everyone grabs a drink and we sit in the living room. As much as I don’t want to do this, I know I need to apologize for my behavior. I chug back my drink and take a deep breath.
“I think I need to say something.” Everyone turns to look at me. Young has sympathetic eyes focused on me. I close my eyes and try to calm my nerves. I open them and look at each of my friends. They all mean so much to me; I hate feeling like I’ve let them down. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am always sleeping around, that I will fuck in the bar bathroom. I’m sorry that because of my actions I’ve hurt you guys. Becca, I’m sorry for hurting you, for putting you through that tonight. Young and Dick, I’m sorry for making you feel like you needed to fight to protect us. I know I’ve led a promiscuous life, but I never intended for it to ever hurt any of you. I would never do anything to hurt you guys.” I’m not an emotional person. I think the last time I cried was when I first had sex. I have built a wall around my organ of a heart, which I don’t know if anyone is capable of breaking down. I have to admit, that feeling ashamed like this, is something that is tugging at that organ.
“Babe, I don’t give a shit if you fucked the entire army in that bar bathroom. No one has the right to say those things to you. As far as apologizing to me, it’s not necessary. I’ll fuck up a twatwaf
fle for you anytime.” I laugh at his use of words. I have no idea where he comes up with them.
“Maddie, thank you. I appreciate your apology. I know you wouldn’t purposely hurt me; it is just humiliating that I thought he was into me. When in fact, he just used me to get to you. Now, I have to face him at work. I think it’s time for me to just take a break from men. I should just focus on my career. When Mr. Right shows up, hopefully I’ll be able to recognize him.” She has tears falling down her face and I am so pissed at myself. I go over and hug her.
“I swear, I never thought my sleeping around would ever hurt you guys. I’m so sorry.” She squeezes me back and I feel her tears on my shoulder. I can’t change my past, but I sure as hell can choose my future. I refuse to do anything again that will hurt my friends. If I need to stop sleeping around to make that happen, well then so be it. I pull back and smile at her. “I love you, Becca.” She wipes her tears and smiles back.
“I love you too, Maddie.”
“Alright, enough of this shit. We all know that Maddie is sorry, no reason to make our whole night about her fucking apologizing. Let’s get drunk and turn this night around. Strip poker anyone?” Yep, leave it to Young. Although, this time I think he is doing it to make sure the attention is off of me. I look over at him and he gives me that sexy ass wink of his. I smile and go sit back down next to him.
“Thank you.” I don’t look at him, but when he squeezes my shoulder, I know he understands.
“I can’t believe these words are going to leave my mouth, but Young is right. We know how sorry you are Maddie, and there is no reason to dwell on it. Strip poker, still not happening.” Kenz blows me a kiss.
“Fucking pussies.” We all laugh at the idiot that Young is, but it feels good to laugh.
Everyone hangs out for a few hours and we never actually do anything more than drink and talk. It was a great distraction. Now however, that I am lying in bed my mind is going and I can’t turn it off. I’ve done a lot of shitty things in my life, things I am ashamed of. I just never actually thought any of it, would come back to hurt my friends or me. As much as I hate the idea of changing my lifestyle, I don’t see any other option. I refuse to let anyone else get hurt because of me. As for Brad, I’m certain that was the last we will see of him. I just hope he doesn’t bother Becca at work.
I’ve been tossing and turning for the last hour. I can’t turn off my mind and it is keeping me up. I throw the covers off of me once again and stare up at the ceiling. There is a light knock on my door before it slowly opens. I sit up to see who it is. Never did I expect it to be Young. “Hey, what’s up?” He has no shirt on and his sexy sweat pants are hanging low. He climbs on the bed and sits next to me. He looks over at me and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. I’m so glad it’s dark in here because I’m sure my hair is a mess and my makeup is not perfect.
“I wanted to come make sure you were alright. I know you like to keep all this shit inside, but I’d like for you to be honest with me, let me help you.” Fuck, why does he have to be so sweet? I’m not used to this, not from him, not from any man. I’m uncomfortable opening up; I keep things to myself because that is how I was taught to deal with things. I couldn’t run to my mom with my problems, she was too busy. I’ve always handled things on my own, from dealing with kids in school to dealing with men being too rough with me in bed at such a young age. I dealt with it by myself.
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. I just need to get some sleep, but thanks.” I can’t have him here, not now. I’ve got to much running through my head as it is. I can’t deal with him and that. I keep my attention focused on my lap, hoping this will just send the message I don’t need him here.
“Maddie, please talk to me. You said you would try, I want to help you, but I can’t if you don’t let me in.” He sounds like he is almost pleading with me and I don’t like it. If I want to open up I will, but odds are that will never happen.
“Young, I told you we could be friends that hang out. I never said anything about opening up to you. There is nothing wrong, it was a shitty night, I apologized, end of story. Now, please let it go.” I hear him blow out a breath and then he grabs my hand. I turn my head to look at him, shocked that he just won’t leave. He shakes his head at me, almost like he is disappointed.
“Maddie, I’m not asking for a lot here. I’m here, as a friend, making sure you are okay. I just want to know how you are feeling about the whole thing. Did it embarrass you, piss you off? Give me something here.” I turn my head to avoid looking at him.
“Young, why do you do this? Why do you want to get in, it’s ugly.” I just don’t understand. Even though Becca and Kenz are as close to me as anyone, they don’t question me like he does. It is confusing to me.
“Do you really want me to answer that? Because I know you won’t like what I have to say, but I want to be honest with you. So before I answer, are you sure you want to hear it?” I turn my body to look at him now. Fuck yes, I want to know now. I want to know why he wants to even try to have this pointless relationship with me. I nod at him and he turns to face me as well. He places a hand on each leg and looks into my eyes, the best he can in the dark.
“Maddie, you make me feel things I have never in my life felt. I haven’t stopped thinking of you for over a year. You are the most beautiful, sexy, and confident woman I’ve ever met. The sex, holy shit, don’t even get me started. I can look at you and my cock is hard. The way we are together in bed, that’s not something that a lot of people have. There are no limits, no walls, no fears. That is what I want us to have, out of the bedroom. I know we could be as amazing out of the bedroom as we are in.” He takes a deep breath and blows it out. “Maddie, I’m starting to have feelings for you. I want you to let me in, even if it’s just a little every day.” I have the breath sucked out of me, like someone punched me in the stomach. It was bad enough when I thought he just wanted to try a relationship, but to have feelings for me. What does that even mean? This scares me more than I’ll admit. I am ringing my hands together and I haven’t looked back up at him. “Maddie, please. Just tell me how tonight made you feel.”
I look up at him and he has his head cocked to the side with his bottom lip sticking out like a pleading child. I can’t help but laugh at his dumb ass. He smiles back at me and squeezes my legs. “I promise you I will never judge you, you can tell me anything.” I close my eyes tightly and squeeze my hands together, effectively digging my nails into myself.
“I am humiliated that my sleeping around has come back to hurt my friends. It is making me rethink a lot of things. On the flip side, I never in my life had a guy defend me before. Thank you.” I am actually sweating and haven’t opened my eyes to look at him. I don’t open up to people, this is hard for me. I feel like I’m putting myself out there and it scares the shit out of me.
“Thank you for telling me. You should never let your past humiliate you, it’s part of what has made you, you. I wouldn’t want you to change a God damn thing. Maddie, I’ll defend you anytime you need it. No one will ever disrespect you, not with me around.” I slowly open my eyes to look at him. He looks completely serious. He still has his hands on my legs, he is smiling, and it is reaching his eyes. If only I believed him about not letting your past humiliate you. My past will always, no one can change that. I’m not going to lie, it actually feels pretty good to tell someone how I’m feeling. I am so used to keeping it in, it’s a foreign feeling, but I don’t hate it.
