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“I’m smiling because you knew exactly what to order for me. Without even having to ask. I like that, Maddie.” I roll my eyes at him, but begin to realize I did just do that. I knew just what he would order without thinking twice. That scares the shit out of me. I don’t like knowing that, I shouldn’t know anything like that about him. I should know what he likes in the bedroom, and unless he is eating a fucking burger in there, I shouldn’t know that!
“Whatever, just get to the point of why you dragged me out here already.” I’m feeling trapped again and I need to get away. I will take my food to go if I need to; I just can’t sit here feeling like this. I actually feel like it is getting hard to breathe. I take a couple of deep breaths, not only to prove to myself that I can breathe, but also to try and calm down. I look over at Young and he has that serious expression again. “Fuck, Young, get on with it already. You want me to sit around all night waiting on you to say it?” He shakes his head just slightly, almost as he is upset or disappointed in what I’ve just said. This does nothing to relax me. He clears his throat several times and wipes his hands on his jeans. He looks up at me and gives me that panty-soaking grin.
“Maddie, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I really like you and I would like to have more than a sexual relationship with you.” My mouth actually drops open and my eyes get wide. Is he serious? After all the times I’ve told him, I don’t do relationships and he’s telling me he wants one. I can’t believe this is the reason for dragging me out here. I could have easily answered this question while I was getting dressed after we had sex, or when he passed me in the fucking hallway. I don’t understand what he is thinking. It scares me enough the way my body reacts to him. My heart is just an organ; it is incapable of actually loving someone. I’ve been taught my whole life relationships are horrible, and I fully believe they are. I refuse to allow myself to be sucked into one. “Maddie?” I look up at him and realize I am shredding a napkin on the table.
“Young, you know I don’t do relationships. I don’t even know why you would suggest that.” Just then, our food is delivered, and I want to do anything else but sit here. I want to run to the nearest guy and have him fuck all these feelings out of me. I need to get out of here; the feeling of being trapped is getting worse.
“I know you don’t do relationships, Maddie. What I don’t know is why you don’t do them? I don’t know anything about you, other than where to touch, lick, or bite you to have you screaming my name. I want to know you, all of you, Maddie. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. I want to be able to go to sleep at night and wake up with you still in my arms. I want to be able to take you out, just the two of us, and show you how good we can be together. I want to know your mind, heart, and soul the way I know your body.” I am just staring at him; I can’t believe what I am hearing. As a woman, I should be flattered; I should be doing fucking cartwheels that a guy this hot would want to be with me. But I’m not that woman, I can’t do that. I can’t let someone in, I don’t know how. “Maddie, I know this is a lot to take it, there is just one more thing. I want to have a relationship with you, but I want to do that without having sex.” I snap my head up and stare at him.
“Are you fucking crazy, Young? There is no way I would ever be able to commit to a person, but take sex away, you have nothing.” He shakes his head at me and takes a bite of his burger. I don’t even know how he can stomach food right now. I’m ready to throw up from this conversation. He wipes his mouth and takes a sip of his soda, then smiles at me.
“See, that’s just it, Maddie. I believe if we take sex away, we would be able to have everything.” I can’t believe this is the same smartass idiot that I am always sleeping with. He is trying to justify a relationship. I thought he understood how I felt, I’ve told him so many times.
“You told me that you were happy to have whatever I gave you. This,” I point my finger back and forth between us, “this is never going to happen. I’m sorry, but giving you something other than my body, that is not possible.” I can’t stay and listen to anything else he has to say. I need to get the hell out of here so I can breathe, I need to find a guy to fuck me and make me stop feeling all of this. I stand up and walk away from the table as quickly as possible, and throw open the door to the diner, rushing outside. Once I am out there I am gulping in air, I can’t seem to get enough. The further I get away from the diner, the less trapped I feel and the easier it becomes to breathe.
Once I get back to the apartment, I head straight to my room without even checking to see if Kenz or Becca are home. I slam my door and begin to strip out of my clothes. I need to stop thinking, I need to be fucked. I keep picturing his face and all the different emotions that passed it tonight. Part of me—a very small part of me—a part of me that I didn’t know even existed is actually hurting. I don’t understand it, it makes no sense. I don’t get attached to men, ever. I use them and they use me, that’s safe, that’s how it’s supposed to be. Hearts start getting involved and that’s the end of who you are. The other person owns you. I will not be owned by anyone. I fall back onto the bed, in my bra and panties staring at my ceiling.
I have no idea how long I’ve been lying here staring at the ceiling. Not only did he suggest a relationship, but a sexless one. Who the hell could do something like that? I’ve been having sex since I was sixteen; I think it is impossible to not have it. How would I cope, sex helps me. I sit up quickly and jump out of bed. I rush over to my dresser and open up my B.O.B drawer. Where the hell was my mind wondering? I don’t need to be worried about giving up sex, because there will never be a relationship.
I am digging in the drawer trying to find my favorite vibrator. I need to pleasure myself in hopes that I will get this whole night out of my mind. To even be thinking about something like this is beyond ridiculous, this is not who I am, I don’t do relationships. I could never go without having sex, that’s for sure. I finally find my favorite vibrator and rush over to my bed. I lie down and pull back the cover. I’m not even in the mood to have sex, but this is the only thing that will help. I turn it on and it starts to shake my hand with its strength. I hold it against my clit and instantly feel myself starting to get wet. This is good, this is what I need. I run the vibrator down to my entrance and slowly push it in. “Oh, yea.” This feels amazing. I begin to fuck myself with my B.O.B and it is doing what I need. My mind is beginning to clear and I am getting lost in the sensation that is running through my body. I can feel that I am getting close to coming, so I use my other hand to rub my clit and that pushes me over the edge. “Yes.” I whisper while I ride out the aftershocks of my orgasm. I pull the vibrator out, lay it in the bed, and roll over onto my stomach. I am asleep within seconds.
I open my eyes to banging on my bedroom door. “What the fuck.” I look at my alarm and realize it is only eight am and it’s Saturday. “What?” I yell from my bed. I’m still naked with my vibrator lying next to me. It better be an emergency.
“Maddie, open the door.” I sit up and stare at the door. What the fuck is Young doing here? He can’t keep doing this; I will never be able to forget about this whole thing with him if he’s always right there. “Maddie, I will wake everyone up in this apartment if you don’t open this door. I don’t fucking care.” Shit, I know he will do it.
“Give me a second.” I jump out of bed and pull on a pair of cute pj’s. I rush over to the mirror, brush my hair, and throw it up in a ponytail. I wipe off my makeup and reapply it. I can’t have him see me being anything less than perfect. I told you no man would see me like that. I look over at my bed and see my vibrator, and I grab it and toss it in the drawer, I’ll clean it later. I take a deep breath and open the door for him. The minute I see him my heart begins it’s pounding in my chest. He is leaning one shoulder on my doorway with his arms folded over his bare chest. His hair is a mess on top of his head, like he just woke up. He has on a pair of sweat pants that are hanging extremely low on his hips. I can see that sexy ass V of his and my pussy is beginning to ache. He knows what he is doing coming over here looking like that. I look up at his face and he has that confident sexy half grin going.
“I think we need to talk.” He says and pushes off the doorway and walks into my room, sitting down on my bed. I begin to walk away from the door and over to the opposite side of the bed trying not to look at him sitting all sexy on my bed. “Maddie, close the door, please.” I look over at him and see
that he is sitting hunched over with his hands folded in-between his legs. He doesn’t even look at me as I close the door and make my way to the opposite side of the room this time. I don’t even want to sit on the bed with him. Instead, I sit in my makeup chair.
“What’s up, Young? I don’t think there is really anything else left to say.” He snaps his head up to look at me. He looks angry, but he hasn’t moved out of the position he was sitting in.
“You don’t think there is anything left to say? I fucking told you I want to have a relationship with you that I want to make you mine. You ran out of the diner like I told you I was going to fucking kill you, Maddie. There is plenty left to say.” I don’t want to have this conversation all over again.
“Damn it, Young. What don’t you understand about I don’t do relationships. How would you like me to say it? I don’t want a man other than in bed, I won’t date, and I have absolutely no interest in being in a committed relationship. Does any of this get through to you?” I close my eyes because he is making me very frustrated and I am trying to keep myself from getting any angrier.
“Maddie, this is what we need to talk about. I want to have a relationship with you, I don’t want to just be with you in bed; I want to be in a committed relationship. I am just as scared as you are. I am not the kind of man who goes after a woman for anything other than sex, but with you, it’s different. Don’t you understand that you are doing things to me? You make me want to be that man. Why can’t you just give me a chance, Maddie?” He is looking at me with such sincere eyes, that I am having trouble not getting sucked into them. It scares me that he could make me feel that way. I get up off the chair and sit next to him on the bed. I look right into his amazing eyes and give him a small smile.
“Young, I have never been more attracted to someone before. You do things to my body that I didn’t think were possible. You make me feel things, and that scares me. I don’t like that. I need to have control of my feelings and when I’m around you, it’s almost impossible. You deserve to have someone who isn’t scared of being with you. I’m not that person; I can never be that person. I’m sorry.” I can’t look at him anymore, I look down at the floor and hope that he will just take the hint and leave. He puts his hand on my leg and squeezes. It makes me look up at him again. He is smiling at me and it throws me off. I don’t understand what he is smiling about.
“Listen, why can’t we just take this a day at a time? We don’t need to put a label on it. We can just do things together and see how it goes. No pressure, just hanging out with me.” He makes it sound so easy. I lean my head back and look up at the ceiling. When he puts it like that, it does sound like we are hanging out as friends. Friends I can do, but only friends. I look back over at him and smile. His smile gets bigger and it has my heart beating hard again.
“Listen, if we do this…” He starts to lean over to hug me and I push him back with one hand and laugh. “If, we do this, we will only be friends right? Nothing more than that?” He shakes his head at me and squeezes my leg again.
“Maddie, we can just be friends. Friends that hang out, only with each other, with no one else of the opposite sex. Also, we don’t have sex with each other or anyone else. Can we be those kind of friends?” He has his head tilted to the side with the sexy grin on his face. How the fuck can I resist that?
“Fine. We can try the friend thing, but I can’t make you any promises, Young. You said we can take this day by day, that’s the only way something like this will work for me.” I don’t even finish the last word and he pulls me to him and holds me in a tight hug. I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head in the crook of his arm. I can try to be his friend, a friend that doesn’t have sex with anyone else. It scares the fucking shit out of me, but he makes me want to try to be that kind of person. I smile and squeeze him a little tighter.
I can’t believe my fucking luck. After I leave Maddie to go back to my apartment, I take a quick shower, and I’ve been sitting on the couch thinking about the whole thing since. She agreed to date me, well she agreed to be friends that hang out, but that’s just what I’ll let her label us. I don’t give a fuck about labels anyway. All I know is that I have this one chance to prove to her that I can be a guy worth breaking all her rules for. I need to do everything just right in order for that to happen. I am so out of my fucking comfort zone here. Usually, I build a relationship out of sex. This time I need to build one, without sex. I am definitely going to be well acquainted with my right hand that’s for damn sure.
I figure I would leave her to let this all sink in, I think one thing I need to respect with her is space. I don’t want to smother her. I’m sure that will scare her away. I figure I’ll give her a bit longer then I will ask her if she would like to go out to dinner tonight, and then go meet up with everyone at the bar. I’m not doing some cheesy carriage ride like Campbell did, that shit is for pussies. I’ll take her to that sushi place she likes and then we can go get our drink on.
I’m flipping through the channels when the front door swings open, and Dick comes in all sweaty and shit. “Hey, where the fuck where you?” He pulls his shirt of his head and throws it at me. I duck out of the way so that nasty shit doesn’t hit me. “Your aim sucks, Dickhead.” I laugh at him and fold my arms behind my head.
“Fuck off, Young. I went for a run. So what are the plans for tonight? You want to hit up the bar?” He is chugging a bottle of water in the kitchen, with his fucking bare chest on full display for me, like I’m some chick.
“Dick, will you fucking put a shirt on. I’m not a fan of looking at your sweaty man chest.” He busts out laughing and goes to his room. He comes back out pulling a shirt over his head.
