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Nate doesn’t say a word, just grins and heads back down. Fitz and I stay wrapped around each other taking in the bright lights of the city for a while. Neither of us say a word, we are both lost in thought, at least I am. Thoughts of Hank and how he rejected me, thoughts of being here with Fitz and the way he makes me feel. Thoughts of leaving and how hard it will be to leave all these people who I have grown so attached to.
“How about we go back inside?” Fitz asks, breaking my thoughts. I agree and we go back inside. He takes me for a tour of the rest of his place and shows me every room, except for his bedroom. It makes me want to see it that much more, but I definitely won’t say that out loud. We end up back in the living room and sit down on the couch. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”
I give him a soft smile as my fingers connect with the plastic remote control. Fitz and I lean in closer together as I flip through the channels. “Hey look, Anchorman is on.” He looks at me with an uncertain grin and I laugh lightly smacking his solid chest. “What, it’s funny.”
We quietly watch the movie and when he gets up to get a drink, I kick off my shoes and lay down on the couch. When he returns, he doesn’t say a word. He sits down next to me and a minute later he is laying behind me, with his arm draped over my waist. “Is this alright?” he asks. I don’t say anything, I just nod my head and move closer to him. It’s wrong, but it feels so good. I feel safe, I feel wanted and for once I don’t feel alone. He kisses my bare shoulder and my eyes drift closed. This right here, is my dream.
I’ve been laying here wrapped around Brooklyn for over an hour. I can’t keep my eyes off her. She looks peaceful. The soft sounds she makes, the way she pushes her body closer to mine, and the look of complete relaxation on her face. I can’t remember a time in my life when I held somebody like this, fully clothed and no intention of it going anywhere. Yet, with her I could stay like this forever.
After what happened at the studio, I thought for sure she was done with me. Hell, I would have been. Even now, while I hold her while she sleeps, it’s not sexual. It’s like this strange, undeniable urge to be near her. She makes me feel things I never would have thought existed. Things that are more than sex and I didn’t think there was much more than that. Even though I’m exhausted I refuse to close my eyes. I intend to make the most of this situation, since I know once her eyes open she will probably fall over the coffee table in an attempt to get away.
The door opens and Poppy and Nate walk in. They both stop and take in the scene in front of them. Poppy gets a huge smile on her face and Nate keeps looking between me and Brooklyn. I hold my finger to my lips and slowly pull away from her. The loss of her pressed against me is immediate and I wish I had just a little longer.
I nod for them to follow me up to the roof and Poppy is all too happy to oblige. Once we get up there Poppy stands in front of me and crosses her arms. “I never thought I’d see Fitz cuddling,” she says and giggles.
“Shut the hell up. She fell asleep while we were watching a movie and I didn’t want to wake her,” I say, defending my actions.
“Hey, don’t snap at me. I’m happy for you guys. I wish it was more than just cuddling on a couch,” she says as Nate wraps his arms around her. “I mean am I the only one who’s noticed how you both pull out the best of each other?”
I sit down on a chair and rest my head in my hands. This is what Brooklyn was yelling about earlier. I’ve got nothing to lose, but I can totally understand how this could make her feel uncomfortable. I look up at Poppy and grin. “We are friends, leave it at that.”
“I know, but…”
“I said, leave it at that. She’s leaving soon and we have to get ready to get back on the road. Let’s just get through her visit and go back to normal.” I stand up and move to the edge of the roof, looking down at all the chaos below.
“Fine, we need to get going. I’m exhausted. I guess I’ll wake up Brooklyn, you know since you guys are just friends and all,” Poppy says and heads back inside.
Nate walks up behind me and slaps my shoulder. “You’re falling for her aren’t you?”
I turn around and start pa
cing. “Nate, I don’t fucking know. What do you want me to say? That I am falling for her? That I’ve never felt this way before?” I run a hand through my hair as I keep up my pace in circles, “That she makes me want to be a better person? That my only thoughts are of her and that it fucking kills me that someone else gets to touch her the way I want to. That I want her more than I want the air in my lungs?” I stop and stare Nate square in the eyes, “Is that what you want to hear?”
“You should tell her before she leaves,” he says, completely calm.
I hang my head in defeat. “Your genius idea is for me to tell her that I’m falling for her before she goes home to her boyfriend?”
He shrugs his shoulders and I shake my head. “Nate, I don’t want to be the reason she leaves him, don’t you get it? What if she leaves him and we get together, but I realize part of the appeal of her was that she was forbidden? Then what? She loses everything because I wanted to fuck her?”
“If that’s how you really feel, than don’t lead her on,” he says and starts walking down the stairs.
I don’t even bother to follow him. It’s best if they’re all out of here before I go back inside. I sit down and kick my feet up on the little table. I think about what Nate said and the thing is, I’m not leading her on, not intentionally. I don’t know what the fuck to think anymore. What I need to do is get drunk and pass out.
And that is exactly what I end up doing.
**
I wake up the next morning, well afternoon, and even with this fucking hangover my thoughts go right to Brooklyn. It’s unreal. I grab my phone off the nightstand and dial Nate.
“Hey man,” he answers.
“Hey. Listen, you guys want to hit ‘Train’ tonight?” I ask. I need a night out to have some fun.
“I’m down. Is this an invite I’m putting out to Poppy and Brooklyn or no?” he asks, confusion in his tone.
I don’t know how to answer it because part of me wants her there. I want to see her drunk and dance and have a good time. The other part of me wants to keep my distance. I close my eyes and scrub my face. “Maybe just us tonight, I’ll call Ethen and Ralph.”
“You sure this is something you want to do?”
