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“Ikeeptellingyou, something wasn’t right about the place.” Kas throws his hands up in exasperation as Alec and I look at him with twin expressions of confusion.
“But you don’t know what was off?” Alec asks, sounding more inquisitive than confused.
Scoffing, Kas shoots daggers from his eyes. “If I did, why would I be that vague? No, I don’t fucking know.”
“Do you know what triggered the feeling?” I cut in, trying a different approach to not frustrate him further. “Was it something you saw? Heard? Smelled?” I’m grasping at straws here.
After Kas and Mia returned with coffee and pastry this morning, she went to see Martin for the first time since the attack. Both Kas and Alec have passed on Martin’s wish to see Mia, and I know she’d eventually want to thank him for all his help. The two of them go back for years, so it isn’t surprising. I just wish I knew if she plans on dancing for him.
I know I have no room to complain if she is. I don’t know their dynamic or what he’s expecting in return. Though, that doesn’t mean I have to like it—and for the record, I don’t. The thought of her dancing for anyone else but us is enough to make me clench my jaw so hard I’m surprised I’m not breaking my teeth.
“I don’t know, CJ!” I hate how miserable Kas sounds.
It’s been a few hours, and the three of us are still trying to figure out what has made Kas so uneasy about Mia’s apartment.
“Look, we’re just trying to help you. We get that you don’t know, so maybe talk us through it?” Alec suggests.
Nodding, I agree, “Yes, that could help. When did you notice something didn’t feel right?”
Abandoning the armchair, Kas paces our living room. He stops and opens his mouth like he’s about to say something, but he doesn’t. He just continues to walk back and forth.
Not wanting him to feel like he’s being watched, I turn to Alec and ask, “How was last night with Neil? Has he said anything about your mom?”
“I’ve decided it doesn’t matter,” he answers. “CJ, that woman has been dead to me for so many years. I don’t think it would actually change anything to know she OD’d somewhere in the gutter. If anything, I don’t want to know that she’s alive and hasn’t bothered to come looking for me.” I can’t help but admire how resolute my brother sounds.
Even though he’s never said it, I know he’s spent years yearning for his mom. Desperate to find out why she left him like that. I know Alec would never admit it to anyone, not even us, but he has severe mommy issues, and no fucking wonder. One of the unfortunate things in life is that we don’t get to choose our parents. We’re conditioned to love them, and we bond with them even when they don’t deserve it.
Ironically, all three of us have at least one rotten egg on our parental tree. Something we didn’t know when we became best friends, something that helped forge our bond with all the trials and tribulations we’ve been through.
Sometimes I feel like Kas and I are the lucky ones. We know what happened to our dads. We have never had to lie awake at night, wondering where they were or if they would come back one day. On the other hand, we didn’t have anything to ponder because we’re the very people who put our dads six feet under. That’s rotten luck at best. Still, we knew.
Alec has never known, and I know it’s messed with him beyond what he allows anyone to see. It took him years to be okay around my parents. He kept asking me when I thought my mom would leave. My dad… Well, Alec used to look at him in a distrustful way. Like he expected him to do something to my mom or me.
“If that’s how you truly feel, I support you.” I look Alec dead in the eye, wanting him to know I’m being serious. “We all have your back no matter what you want to do, but if you don’t want to chase the truth, then let it go, brother.”
“I agree,” Kas says. “She doesn’t deserve your attention anyway,” he adds with a solemn expression.
Alec looks uncomfortably between us, one hand scratching the back of his neck. “Right…” he trails off, and I let him. Why make him talk more about it when it’s making him uncomfortable?
“Besides, if you ask Mia nicely, I’m sure she’ll be your mama.” Kas waggles his eyebrows, and the smile on his face is one I know all too well. We all do. It means he’s immensely proud of himself for coming up with that joke.
“I’m sure she would,” Alec laughs, seeming more relaxed.
At times, I feel like I can barely recognize my black-haired brother. The guy who used to loathe Kas’ smart-ass comments. The guy who never did more than one-night-stands because God forbid anyone got to really know him. Now, he isn’t just dating, he’s in a steady relationship with a stripper.
Out of all of us, I expected Alec to be the one to struggle the hardest with Mia’s profession. But if he’s been on the fence about it, he’s kept it to himself.
“You’ve changed,” Kas observes, like he’s read my thoughts. “You’re a lot less moody, and you’re finally laughing at my magnificent jokes.”
“Hmm,” Alec hums. “What can I say? I have my own personal anti-moody medicine close by.” Then the fucker winks. Alec. Fucking. Winks—and grins—and it’s a sight to behold. For all the years I’ve known him, I’ve rarely seen him so carefree.
No longer feeling the need to pace, Kas sits back down in the chair. Reaching for the white paper cup with—what must now be cold—coffee. “A-fucking-men to that. To her.” He raises his cup in a mock salute.
A silence descends on us—each of us staring into space with a goofy smile on our lips. There’s no point denying how much things have changed since Mia came along. She’s single-handedly torn down Alec’s defenses, and she… I run my hands through my already tousled hair in frustration.
I know she’s changed me as well, just as surely as I know we’ve changed her. Maybe change isn’t the right word. It’s more that we’re bringing something better out in each other, at least I would like to think so. But that’s not exactly true in my case.
As much as I love being there for her—with her—I’m the one she fights. I’m the one that pushes her, challenges her. I don’t mind that, not all the time. But it’s not the only role I want to have. I know she loves me. She wouldn’t have said it otherwise. I can feel it in her touch and see it in her eyes—just as I hope she knows how much she means to me. So why can’t I shake the feeling that I’m on the precipice of losing her?
