Page 68 of Someone Else's Shadow

“That’s the real reason you said you didn’t love me when I asked?”

He nods, running the backs of his fingers along my neck with a hesitant touch. “Yes…but that’s not the only reason you left.”

Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself for what comes next.

“Your mother got wind of you staying here. It didn’t take long for her to figure out who I was. I knew if she searched hard enough, she’d eventually uncover what we did. She forbade you to see me, but you never listened to her. And I knew you wouldn’t start now. The harder you fought with her, the more determined you were to stay.

“We fought over your future, putting a strain on our already rocky relationship. You believed I was pushing you away because I didn’t love you anymore. That when I looked at you, all I saw was what you did.

“One night, I found you sitting on the dock, peering into the lake, afraid and plagued by what we had done. You told me you couldn’t stop thinking about that night. I was never more afraid than I was then because you had given up. And the way you looked at that water as a possible solution, I knew what I had to do.”

“Don’t you dare do this to me again. Don’t you dare,” he cried when I raced toward the water’s edge. I had no idea what that meant, but now, I do.

Even though Cayden’s dad was a fucking bastard, he didn’t deserve what we did to him. But we were kids. We made a mistake. In times of crisis, one can be forgiven for not thinking how they normally would.

I was moments away from being raped, and Cayden was on the brink of death—it was an accident. But accident or not, we committed a crime, one which changes everything. “What happened?”

Cayden, although weighed with sorrow, has a sense of relief that shines through too. He’s carried this secret for ten long years—it must be cathartic to finally unburden his soul. “You were in danger around me. My dad was involved with some shady people, and when he didn’t show up for “work,” they’d come around, asking questions. I couldn’t involve you in that. I’d hurt you enough. You were my Achilles’ heel. I couldn’t risk them finding out how much you meant to me. You’d be collateral damage.

“I went to your house, intent on telling your mom how I felt. That although I loved you, it was in your best interests to stay away from me. And I was willing to strategize with her to find ways to make that happen. But what I never expected was for her to stoop so low. She offered me twenty thousand dollars to stay away. I was insulted she thought so little of me and my feelings for you. I was ready to tell her to shove her money, that I’d figure this out another way, but then I saw you, peering at me from the top of the stairs. You were waiting for me to tell her to go to hell, that no amount could ever be enough because you were priceless…but I didn’t. I had exhausted every way I knew. I did what I thought was right. But it’s the biggest regret of my life.

“I accepted, knowing what it would do to you in the process. I broke your heart, but if it gave you a real shot at making something of yourself, away from here, then I’d suffer the consequences. You already felt abandoned by your mom, and I did the same. I sold you out for twenty thousand dollars.”

I blink past my tears as I’ve never felt more betrayed than I do right now. My mom’s statement about everything she does is to protect me now makes sense because, in her warped way, she was.

“That’s why I didn’t fight harder. You…you broke my heart.” My lower lip trembles, but I hold it together for now. “Why did you do that? You risked me telling everyone what we did. I’d hope I wouldn’t stoop that low, but I can imagine the seventeen-year-old me was a woman scorned.”

“I didn’t care,” Cayden reveals, showing me just how fearless he really is.

“But you didn’t cash it,” Lacey says, confused. She opens the folder and produces the check, the proof that Cayden is the man I thought him to be.

“Of course, I didn’t,” he spits, beseeching I understand why he did what he did. “There isn’t a price tag on how much you mean to me.”

Exhaling in relief, I can understand Cayden’s actions. In his messed-up way, he was trying to protect me, but surely when I came back, when I was an adult, he could have told me the truth.

“I know what you’re thinking, but you were happy,” he says, reading my mind. “When you came back here, neither of us were the same people we once were. We grew up. You came here wanting to put a piece of your past behind you, but the attraction was still there. It always has been. Over the next ten years, you came in and out of my life. The first time, as you know, was a final fuck you. You claiming back your independence. But it only proved that what we had was real. But we were scared.

“Just how you did when we were kids, I’d wake late at night with you snuggled by my side. And in the morning, you’d be gone. You stayed for hours, sometimes days, but the common occurrence was you always left. You were torn between duty and desire. I had broken your heart, so your guard was up, but we have been a part of one another since we were kids, and it’s hard to break that commitment.”

The need to sleep beside him was overwhelming, and I now know why. I have been doing it since I was a child.

“I wanted to tell you so many times that I never spent that money, but it was too late. I was happy to live in the darkness with stolen kisses and covert glances just like when we were kids because you were happy. You said Calvin was good to you and that your mother approved of him. That’s all you ever wanted. To gain her approval. But one of the last times you came here, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to tell you the truth. It went as expected. You were angry I’d wasted all these years. You left saying you needed time. And then I didn’t see you until the night of your accident. You know the rest.” His guilt is palpable because all Cayden ever tried to do was protect me.

I remember wondering what words we exchanged the night of our argument for me to lie to him about our baby. Now, I need to know. “What happened? Why did you push me away? I know you said we exchanged words. But what words? And why? I can’t imagine after all these years wasted and the way I feel about you now, that I wouldn’t have fought harder. I’m not seventeen anymore. And I don’t need you to protect me. I never did.”

“You’re right. I said some awful things to you. You told me you wanted to forget everything and start over. Together. That it was finally our time.”

“And in return, you told me you didn’t want anything to do with me…or our baby,” I whisper, putting the pieces to this ugly, ugly puzzle together.

Lacey gasps, tears shining brightly, while Cayden squeezes his eyes shut, hoping to dull the pain.

Why? Why would he do that?

I left here utterly broken. Although I loved Cayden, it was apparent we were intent on hurting one another over and over again. His comment hits home.

“We hurt the ones we love.” And that’s all Cayden and I have done for the past ten years.

“If I could take it back, all of it, I would. By trying to protect you, I did the complete opposite. What I should have done was tell you the truth because you could have handled it. You always were the strong one, and I was stupid for ever forgetting that.”

He tried to protect me, but you can’t protect someone from living, and that’s how I clearly felt with Cayden—that I was living. That’s why I came back here time and time again. On the outside, I may have seemed to have it all, but on the inside, I was still the eight-year-old little girl, smitten by the boy who broke my heart.

Lacey seems to be the only one able to make sense of what’s going on. “Peyton.” She steps forward apprehensively while I keep my feet planted on the floor. “The first time we met, do you remember I was going to tell you something?”

I retrace over everything we shared, and I know she speaks of the conversation when she was going to reveal something about Cayden, but she never got the chance. “The thing about Cayden is that he lost…”

I nod slowly.

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