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“Everything okay?” Ryan’s face contorts. He examines me and lets go of the cart to take a step in my direction.
That movement is enough to snap me out of my panic, at least enough to put on a fake smile that’s good enough until I can get a grip on my emotions.
“Yeah, sorry, just spaced out.” I clear my dry throat and point toward the window. “We can eat at the table if you want.”
He stops in his advance and nods. When he focuses back on the cart and moves it toward the table, I let out a long breath of relief and swing my legs off one side of the bed. They feel like Jell-O, and I hope like hell they’re capable of carrying my weight at the moment.
Ryan puts the tray on the table and turns my way. “So what did you want to tell me?”
My limbs tingle with every step I take as a surge of dizziness attacks my body. How am I going to handle this? I just got him back after missing him so badly. This is not the right time.
I swallow, nausea threatening to make me sick. “It . . . it was nothing. Let’s eat.”
He studies me, his expression somber.
Does he know something’s up? For now, he’s not pressing the issue, and I’m grateful for it. I’ll tell him Sunday before he leaves. For now, I want to enjoy every single second I have with him.
You’re going to regret this.
I already do.
Sitting in the plush chair opposite him feels like a reprieve, like it’s supposed to be my safety net for the time being. Ryan digs into his rice and chicken dish, and we sit in silence while I swirl spaghetti around my fork. My empty stomach gains control over my nausea, at least to the point where I feel hungry enough to eat.
Ryan takes a sip of his water and regards me. “Did I crash any of your weekend plans?”
I shake my head. “Not really. I finished my work for the week last night, so I was just going to go shopping at some point and maybe go for a swim. Mrs. Zimmerman is with her daughter for the weekend, so it’s just good ole Bacon and me.”
“I can’t wait to meet him. And we can go to the grocery store together if you want. I’m due for my weekly visit to the fruit aisle over the weekend anyway.”
His crooked smile makes an appearance, and my heart skips a beat.
“Sounds like a plan.” How can I say no to anything he says when he looks at me like that? And why do I sound so breathless?
Within just a few minutes, he makes me forget about all of my worries and has allowed me to lock them all up tight again. At least for now.
“Did you finish up the campaign with the romance author you like so much?”
I smile, thankful for the topic change. “Yes. Her book released yesterday, and it was so much fun to be a part of it. It was crazy but totally worth it. I’ve never been creative enough to write stories myself, but I really enjoy all the behind-the-scenes work and the interaction with the authors and the publishing house.”
I started my new job last week after settling all the details with Tara and the HR person at her company. It’s part time for now, but the HR lady said that they’re open to changing it to a full-time position if things go well and I’m interested. At this point, it’s the perfect way to ease into things, especially since I don’t have to pay rent. But I can already tell that I’d love to do this full time.
“Good, I’m glad it’s going so well. I know the job situation has been hard on you.”
“I just hate that it’s influencing my whole life, now even more with a baby on the way. And there’s still so much I need to figure out. I definitely wasn’t planning on living with my mom forever, but I’m starting to wonder if I really have a choice.”
Does he think less of me because of my current life situation? Compared to him and his life, I’m such a failure. He’s older and has got it all together, whereas I seem like the young mess I am.
He stands and drags his chair to my side. When he sits, he takes my hand and rubs his thumb over my skin in circles. “Even if it might not feel like it right now, you’ll figure everything out, we will. Don’t forget you have me, too. I’m here to help.”
I nod, the backs of my eyes burning.
If this whole pregnancy will be such an emotional roller-coaster ride, I’ll be gray by the end of it.
Ryan lets go of my hand and grabs me under the legs and behind my back, effortlessly pulling me onto his lap. “We’re in this together, remember?”
I draw back, staring straight into his warm eyes. They really are the most stunning brown I’ve ever seen. Surrounded by dark lashes and fine laugh lines. He’s so beautiful inside and out, and I’m still not sure I deserve someone like him. What if he wakes up one morning and realizes he doesn’t want me anymore either?
I don’t think I can survive that a second time, especially since there will be a child in the middle this time, as well.
