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Once more, I marvel over how in sync I can be with a man I used to think was the complete opposite of me.
Cannon
Penelope’s jawdrops as soon as we clear the trees. I set the pack down again, her astonishment more satisfying than I expected. The powerlessness of our time out here fades when I can introduce her to views like this.
“This is crazy.” Without stepping forward, she peers over the edge.
The drop-off begins several feet in front of her, but the sheer steepness of it fills a person with uneasiness. The edge of the trail feels too close. At the end of the dirt, the slope begins. One wrong step, and it’s a ragged beating all the way down to rocks that have fallen over the centuries. This trail has withstood the test of time, but anyone who isn’t paying attention won’t.
From the boulders at the bottom, the land swoops out and up again, but not as high as the part of the mountain we’re on. That leaves a breathtaking view.
When I decided to quit contract work and buy the cabin, I spent months wandering the area. It had been so long since I’d had a permanent home that I wanted to learn every square inch of my place and the surrounding area. I hiked these trails for weeks, and this was one of the first views that made me pause and question my life.
There’re miles of steep inclines and trees. In one direction, rooftops are visible, same with roads cutting through the trees. In the opposite direction, it’s just more trees and mountains. A scenic message from the universe telling me that I was just another animal in a big world. It was the first time I stopped to think that maybe the fault of my mom’s ballet school shouldn’t rest on my shoulders. There’s too much of the world to rest on any one person’s shoulders.
It’s here I realized I’m one person. My mother was responsible. The investors were responsible. Perhaps even the adults who didn’t listen when the kids tried to tell them something was wrong. That doesn’t mean I can’t accept some responsibility. Karina tried to talk to me, but I was too busy meeting new challenges head-on. I was a teenage boy wrapped up in his own world.
That day, I shed some of the weight I’d carried around. I acknowledged that I didn’t run away, that my knee-jerk reaction to join the military and leave everything and everyone behind was an attempt to help. To be useful to society. To make amends.
For a while, it was in the form of helping my fellow soldiers and protecting people in another country. Then it was guarding people and assets associated with businesses. Hunting down lying and cheating spouses was more like a poison, and that’s when I veered off my path and came too close to my own personal cliff. I thought it would be karmic, but it was toxic.
Penelope’s troubles were the belay rope that kept me from plummeting into nothingness. She was the second drop-off that made me stop and question my life. I have a calling. Maybe it’s saving people. Maybe it’s saving just one person. I don’t know. Yet.
“I can’t believe they don’t have, like, a railing or something.” She glances ahead where the trail hugs the side of the mountain before it slopes down to lead into the valley and away from the cliff. “I guess that’s a bit city girl of me. People aren’t hiking out here because they want complete safety.”
“The thrill is a bonus, but my guess is there aren’t enough hikers on this trail to build in safety features.” I heft the pack around my shoulders. She stuffs her water bottle back inside. We’ve gone farther than I expected. I didn’t pack enough for a long hike. “Ready to head back?”
“Yes, we should before you end up having to carry me back. My feet aren’t used to uneven ground. These are good shoes, but I’m a concrete princess.”
I’ve carried her before, and I’ll carry her again. It would bother her more than it does me.
We take the trail back, making better time than before. The closer we get to the car, the more Penelope chats about what she sees. A new bird. The different sounds of insects from the city. The scuttle of what’s probably a rabbit nearby.
We emerge from the trees. There’s no one else in the parking lot. My phone vibrates. I unlock the doors and peek at the screen, pausing with my hand on the door handle. I have several missed messages from Kase telling me to call him as soon as possible. Damn.
I don’t say anything as we get in. Penelope didn’t notice I looked at my phone. I’m not ruining the hike for her. We’re minutes from the house. I’ll wait to call Kase.
She gushes about the hike on the drive back, dragging me out of the mental tunnel Kase’s messages sent me into.
What the hell is Roman up to? Will there be a day when I don’t ask that question?
“Mind if I call London again?” She calls her friend every other day. Kase said he would get a phone to Holland, and I expect Penelope will alternate which friend she calls each day.
Grateful she has friends she’s able to stay in touch with, I’m more relieved she’ll sit out on the front step to chat with her best friend. I need her to keep the routine. I don’t want her overhearing everything until I get the whole story. There’s always time to worry. Fewer moments like she’s having now.
I wait in my office until I hear the front door open and close. Then I call Kase back. “Sorry, we went for a hike.”
He jumps right in. “I finally tapped into information about the guy Penelope called Mick. His real name is Michael Coriander, and he’s honestly a lot like you, just on Team Roman.”
No, Mick is fucking nothing like me. He’s more like Roman. Cold and unfeeling. “He was both military and a contractor?”
“ ‘Mercenary’ might be a better description.”
My irritation lashes out. “Then he’s nothing like me.”
“My bad, I didn’t mean it that way. Just that he has skills, but where I know you’re a good guy with sometimes questionable morals, Mick can be either good or bad. He has limits, but offing the rich wife of a shady asshole isn’t one of them.”
I hate that my friends think I have questionable morals. I did some things during my PI investigations that would lift some eyebrows. I’d sleep with women for information. But it was mutual, a way for them to get something they wanted while they gave me something I wanted. That’s not much different from hooking up with someone I met at a bar. I never hurt anyone who wasn’t first trying to hurt me or someone else. As far as my other tactics, moral and law-abiding don’t always mean the same thing. But, whatever. It’s not like I gave them any other impression.
