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“I don’t really think that about you,” I said as I started tracing my own fingertips up and over the broad lines of his pectoral muscle. “You’ve changed since I first met you, of course. But mostly…mostly I think you’re just sadder, somehow.”
That hand at my back tensed. “You mean pathetic?”
“No, no.”
I pushed myself back up so I could look at him again. Shyly, he tucked a few loose strands of my hair behind my ear.
“Sad as in…forlorn,” I clarified. “Sorrowful. Unhappy. Except when you’re with Sofia. When you met her, you finally smiled, you know.”
“Well, she doesn’t really give you a choice.”
Said smile made a slight appearance. But it faded just as quickly. I balanced on top of him, waiting for some kind of explanation. To tell me exactly what had happened in the course of five years that had made him like this.
Instead, Xavier just cleared his throat. “Anyway, yeah. I wouldn’t have told me either. You were right to be careful.”
I frowned. “But…but that’s just it.”
He looked down at me. “What?”
I swallowed. Why was this so hard to say? “I’m glad you understand. But Xavi, I was wrong to keep her a secret.”
At that, he pushed himself up to a sitting position, forcing me to straddle his waist, but keeping an arm around mine so we remained close. We stared at each other for a long time, blue eyes matched to green. But there was nothing predatory in his gaze, and for the first time in a long while, I felt no shame and not the slightest bit self-conscious. Here, together with Xavier and naked in the dark, I wasn’t the frazzled teacher or the exhausted mother. Not the needy sister or the five-year liar. I was forgiven. Here in Xavier’s arms, I was only myself.
I had missed her.
“You’ve changed too,” he murmured as his hands drifted down and settled on the fullest part of my backside. “You’re…I don’t know…riper somehow. Like a piece of fruit.”
My face twisted. “I think that’s a polite way of telling me I got chubby.”
“God—woman, just listen, will you? Did I not just spend the last two hours showing you exactly how exquisite I think you are?”
His hands kneaded lightly on my sensitive flesh, and for a moment, I thought he was going to ignore my apology completely and start hour three as he kissed me again, lips full of promise.
But then he pulled away and shook his head hard enough that that wayward lock toppled forward onto his forehead.
“You weren’t wrong,” he told me. “I know who I am, Ces. And I know who I was. Fuckboy headcase. Good for a few weeks’ shagging, but left you for another woman, didn’t I?”
“No,” I said emphatically. “If I don’t get to see the worst in myself, then neither do you.”
“Still.”
I pressed my palms to his cheeks, stroking the lines of his strong bones with my thumbs. His eyes closed for half a second, vulnerable and wide when they opened again.
“I see you with her, Xavi,” I said softly. “How gentle you are with her. How you watch her, interact with her. I see how you care for her, even after just a few days. That man isn’t cold or a headcase. He’s a father. Am I wrong?”
He stared up at the ceiling, lips pressed into a thin, almost white line while a muscle ticked at the corner of his jaw. He was silent long enough that I thought he wasn’t going to say anything at all. But when he finally looked back at me, his blue eyes were shining, wet and bright. A tiny tear slid down one side of his face, so small I might have missed it if it hadn’t caught the light that gleamed on the edge of his chiseled cheekbone.
“No,” he said in a deep, rumbling whisper. “You’re not wrong.” He swiped the tear away, then barked at the ceiling in a vicious parody of a laugh. “Christ. I feel like my heart just got ripped out of my chest. Is this what you’ve felt all the time, the last four years?”
I chuckled and kissed him. “Since pretty much the second she arrived, yeah. When she’s not pushing my buttons, anyway. And even then…” I shrugged. “You never stop loving your kid. Even when she drives me up the wall, I’d jump in front of a bus for her.”
“I can see that.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it against his chest. “You’re a good mum, Ces. She’s lucky to have you. We’re lucky to have you.”
There was nothing sexual in his touch. He didn’t want anything, per se—or at least not right now.
“Your family,” he said. “Are they really as intense as you say? Or was that just an excuse to keep me a secret while you decided whether or not I was a decent bloke?”
I swallowed. “Some of both. I needed a reason, but they are legitimately…a lot.”
