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“Mama, can we bring Xavi to church with us sometime?”
I blinked, then glanced toward Matthew, who was busy whispering something into Nina’s ear that made her smile. I looked down at my daughter, whose blue eyes shone as brightly as any stained windowpane.
“I think so,” I told her. “Someday. Maybe soon.”
She smiled, and the warmth of it filled my heart.
“Good,” she said. “I think he’ll like it.”
* * *
The sermon wasone I had heard before, a retelling of part of the book of Daniel. It started with the more famous story of Daniel and the lion’s den, but switched quickly to one of my favorite parts, where the king sees a disembodied hand writing a message on his wall during a feast. Nothing like a good ghost story on a Sunday morning.
Even the kids listened, rapt, as one of the deacons read the story aloud, going through the threats that Daniel interpreted, all the king’s sins, one by one. How he betrayed God. Did not heed His warning, honor His temple, forsake all other gods, only glorify the truth of the one true God.
The deacon was a good reader, and by the end, everyone in the church stood stock-straight, as if they themselves were being condemned. On one side of Matthew, Nina clasped a hand over the gold encircling her wrist, as if she were the one glorifying gold idols. On his other side, Sofia’s mouth had dropped while the deacon read the message on the stone:
Mene, God has numbered your kingdom and put an end to it;
Tekel, you have been weighed on the scales and found wanting;
Peres, your kingdom has been divided and given to the Medes and Persians.
Then, by order of Belshazzar, they clothed Daniel in purple, with a chain of gold around his neck, and proclaimed him third in governing the kingdom.
That very night, Belshazzar, the Chaldean king, was slain.
He finished with “The word of the Lord,” and everyone in the church repeated back, “Thanks be to God.” I, however, sat in my seat like I was made of stone. The story wasn’t about me. I wasn’t worshipping idols or desecrating temples. But the message I had always gotten from passage like this wasn’t necessarily about gold or jewels or temples. It was about truth. The importance of acknowledging the truth, speaking it, knowing it, honoring it.
I was ignoring the truth and had been for years. I’d hidden my daughter’s identity from her and everyone else. Even now, I refused to tell my family, my friends, hardly anyone about what was really going on in my life. I was constantly living lies in the name of my daughter, but right there, it occurred to me that it wasn’t out of fear for her, but for myself.
I couldn’t help feeling that the writing of all my secrets was indeed on the wall, waiting to be revealed.
And when they were, would I be ready for them?
* * *
Everyone behavedthemselves through the service—mostly. The boys were predictably squirrelly as Lea and her husband, Mike, herded them up to take communion and back to sit quietly in their pew upon threat of dismemberment and loss of video games. Sofia trotted up with me and I tried not to look guilty while I drank from the chalice. I was a sinner. I had sinned for years and I was sinning now and I had absolutely no right to be up here pretending I was absolved and even allowed to take the holy Eucharist.
Sinner, sinner, sinner.
It was once the priest and the rest of the procession had formally left the church that things really went haywire. The organs were still playing when Lea whirled around in her seat, looking like the wrath of God embodied.
“What is she doing here?” she demanded.
At first, I wondered if she saw right through my little act.
But then I realized she was glaring at Nina, who, in turn, looked like she wanted to bolt.
Matthew immediately leaned in front of Nina, a warrior defending his maiden. It didn’t matter that the enemy was his sister.
“What the hell, Lea?” he snapped.
“Matthew!” Nina’s admonishment was quick.
“Sorry,” he said, a bit more quietly. “But seriously, Lea, what the hell?”
“Zio!” Sofia piped up, always aware of her uncle’s penchant for profanity. I had to laugh. She’d started policing Xavier too and had a solid fifty dollars saved up in a separate jar hidden under my bed from Matthew.
