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Jasper stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me. I could see the suspicion that mirrored my own in his strange blue eyes. Tossing the rest of the tools I’d used down into the black duffle bag, he cleaned his hands and then dried them off. I sat down in the metal chair he’d been occupying all night.
Tipping my head back on my shoulders, I closed my eyes, blocking everything out for just a few moments. The weight of everything I’d been doing for the last eleven years was suddenly becoming so heavy.
I was finding myself struggling more and more lately. I was still steadfast in the vengeance for my parents. They deserved revenge. They deserved for the person who was responsible for their deaths to pay. I refused to waiver on that point. It just seemed like I wasn’t making any progress. I’d been in Chicago for months. The school year was almost over and graduation was fast approaching, and I hadn’t accomplished anything.
If nothing else, it seemed I had more problems now than when I started.
It felt as if I was beating my head against a brick wall. Days after weeks after months of coming up with nothing. Not getting anywhere. Just more and more bullshit. The frustration I was feeling was starting to build to the point where I was going to explode.
If something didn’t happen soon, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I generally meticulously planned out every detail of everything I did. I didn’t think any amount of planning was going to help me get where I needed to go.
“Why don’t you head out? I’ll take care of him and call you when I’m done.” Jasper had moved to crouch down in front of me. Concern marred his handsome face, and I felt my heart twist in my chest a little bit.
He’d done so much for me over the years. Things no one should have to do. He did them without complaint. Happy to help me get whatever little bit of peace could be found in taking out the people responsible for ruining my life.
He worried about me every step of the way. The way everything affected me and how I was handling it was his number one worry. Seeing me floundering wasn’t helping his worry. I didn’t know how to make him feel better. Especially since I couldn’t help myself in that regard. I wanted to reassure him that I was okay. Everything would work out in the end, but I’d reached that point where I was terrified this had all been for nothing, and I was going to walk away without accomplishing what I set out to do.
“I don’t know what to do, Jasper. Nothing is going according to plan. Everything is so fucked up. Every time I turn around there’s something else standing in my way.” I didn’t like the sound of defeat in my voice, but I didn’t have the energy to hide it from him.
If I tried to hide it, he would see right through me anyway. He always did. If there was anyone that would be able to understand what I was feeling right then, it would be him. He’d been with me for too many years to count at this point. The only person I trusted completely for so long was him. That meant I could show him what I was really feeling without sugar coating it, and he would understand.
He might not be able to make me feel better. There might not be any words of wisdom he could give me. But he would be able to stay there beside me for just a little while longer so I didn’t have to wallow in the well of self-pity I was swimming in alone.
“You know I don’t like telling you how to handle your stuff. This is your mission, and I’m just along for the ride. Igor to your Doctor Frankenstein. With that being said, I think we need to decide what our true focus is. Does it really matter who gave bad information to your uncle?”
“I wasted so much fucking time chasing down those leads to the girls only for them to not be real. Of course, it matters.” I wanted answers on who thought they could send me on wild goose chases and waste my fucking time like that.
“Do you really need to know right now, or is it an ego thing? If it’s ego, then we should let it go right now. We can always figure that shit out later and make them pay for fucking with us. Gio has always been your main goal, but since arriving in Chicago you’ve seemed to have lost focus on that. There’s been twenty other things that have pulled your attention away from him. The shit with your uncle, Santiago getting in the way, Dom and Angel messing up your shit. Let’s not mention whatever the hell you have going on with the Valentino boys. There are too many things distracting you from your main goal.”
My mind turned over everything he’d just said. Picking it apart I found the truth in his words. I had been allowing myself to get pulled off track. Gio had always been my main goal. He was the person who’d ordered the hit on my parents. He’d been responsible for their deaths. He was the one that needed to pay for them being taken away from me.
I’d let myself worry about too many things that had been pointless. Yes, getting the girls away from Gio and the lives they would’ve been forced to live had been important. I wouldn’t let myself regret trying to save them. Yet, in the end it had all been a fucking lie. There had never been any girls, and Gio was still just as alive as he ever was. I was no closer to him than before.
“We can stop looking for the informant right now. Gio is my main issue, and I need to get close to him. I do think we need to put some effort into figuring out who put a bomb in my car though.” I didn’t have a high value on my life. In the end I was pretty sure I was going to end up dead. I wasn’t ready for it to end just yet though.
“I’ll keep working on that. There aren’t many leads, but I’ll make that one my top priority. However, in regard to Gio, I’m going to suggest something you’re not going to like. But, since you’re already building sandcastles in that fucking sandbox, I don’t think you’ll as opposed to it as before.” He stood up and walked over to the table to start pulling up the sides of the plastic drop cloth we’d covered the table in.
It always made for easier clean up and to wrap the body up if we had the plastic already in place.
I also knew he was getting out of hitting distance for whatever he was about to say. I wasn’t going to like it, but I was pretty sure about what was fixing to come out of his mouth. I’d been adamant I wasn’t going down that path at the start of all this, but now it made a little bit of sense.
Of course, it still didn’t sit well with me.
“You should use Nico to get close to his father. The Valentino boys are the only ones that are going to get you where you need to be. They’re the only ones that have that much access to him. Even since you killed off his right hand man, he’s been switching out his people. He also doesn’t have any kind of routine or schedule when it comes to changing them out that we would be able to use. Nico is your best bet.”
I’d been watching the videos from Gio’s office more often than Jasper did, and what he was saying was true. I didn’t like the thought of using sex to get what I wanted. I wasn’t sure if I just found it demeaning or if it was thought of using Nico that bothered me.
I’d watched Nico for months before coming face to face with him. Not once in all that time had I felt anything towards him. He was just the son of my enemy. Expendable. Nothing special. That all changed at some point. I couldn’t put my finger on when it happened, but somewhere along the way he stopped being Gio’s son to me and suddenly was his own person.
I wasn’t going to come to a decision or sure up a real plan tonight. My brain was tired, and my soul was a little crushed. If I kept thinking about it I was going to drive myself insane.
Lifting myself out of the chair was even a feat. My body felt as if it weighed nine hundred pounds. It was time to go home and take a shower. A pint of ice cream was in my future. It wouldn’t fix my problems, but it would make feel fucking better. At least for a little while.
Jasper had given me more than enough to think about.
All my problems would still be there in the morning.
