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“It’s more complicated than that,” I said.
“Probably for the best, anyway. Can you really see yourself on that tiny little island? With a kid who’s not even yours? I’m sorry to sound like a bitch but I know you don’t want any part of that.”
“I love him,” I said simply, and I realized with some surprise I could have been talking about Asher or Kal. The sweet little boy had snuck into my heart through the same door Asher had busted open.
Viv perused the menu. “I love my Louboutins but I’m not going to give up my entire lifestyle for them when there’s a galaxy of other shoes to choose from. And from what you’ve told me, he sounds like a major asshole.”
“He’s not. He’s in pain.”
God, so much pain. And he’s dealing with it alone.
Viv snorted. “So he takes it out on you?”
I toyed with my fork. “I think maybe he was pushing me away. Trying to protect me. That’s what he does.” Then I remembered the anger in Asher’s eyes and his cutting tone when he told me I didn’t belong in Hawaii. “Or maybe he meant it. He was upset that he was here with me and not there with his brother.”
She scoffed. “Like that’s your fault.”
“It’s not my fault but it’s what happened.”
Viv let the menu fall flat. “You’d move to Hawaii for him out of guilt?”
Not guilt. Love. Love would take me to him.
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, the ache in my heart like a permanent fixture. “He’s not speaking to me, and I have to let him go.”
“Give it time. You’ll get back into the swing of things.” Viv’s eyes widened. “Hey, what about that Jack guy we keep running into? He’s hot, mega-rich, and he seemed really into you. Doesn’t get better than that.”
Viv went back to her menu while I contemplated that future. In flashes, I saw myself going out, meeting up with Jack Phillips, possibly having a relationship with him that lasted more than one night. Working at my job, lunch dates with Viv, shopping, dinners out… None of it was terrible and it was all completely wrong.
The dam I’d built in me to hold back the pain of missing Asher began to waver. Cracks were forming. The place in my heart where he lived was a throbbing ache, and tears rushed up in a torrent.
I stood up on shaking legs. “I have to go.”
Viv frowned. “We just got here. What about lunch?”
“Sorry.” My voice was a croak. “I can’t…”
“Girl, you are so weird lately, I don’t even know what to do with you. It’s like you’re not the same person anymore.”
“I suppose that’s true,” I said and shouldered my purse.
Viv’s martini arrived, which seemed to mollify her. She heaved a sigh. “Drinks this Friday at least?”
The automatic,Sure, I’ll call yourose to my lips, but I smiled through the impending deluge of sobs instead.
“Goodbye, Viv,” I said, because in that moment, I knew I wasn’t going to see her again.
I made it to my condo just in time. No sooner had the door shut than the dam burst. The keys dropped from my hands as great heaving sobs rolled through me like waves in a tsunami. Sobs so deep and hard, my hands begin to shake, and I felt dizzy.
I sucked in deep breaths, staring wildly around until my frantic gaze landed on the hall closet. Asher’s jacket. I needed something to hold on to or I was going to break apart.
I opened the closet and wrapped my arms around the jacket, sobbing into the lapel, inhaling the remnants of his cologne that was fading away. I clenched and unclenched the fabric, sagging on it, straining the hanger. And then my grasping fingers felt a hard lump in one of the pockets.
I slipped my hand inside and touched something covered in velvet. Slowly, I withdrew a box.
“Oh my God.”
It was black and small and most definitely the kind that might hold a ring. Then, like a dream from another lifetime, I remembered that dinner, Asher saying he couldn’t wait any longer… He reached into his pocket and instead of drawing out this box, he pulled out his phone that carried nothing but tragedy.
The jacket slipped off the hanger and I sat on the floor with it in my lap, the box in my hands.
“Oh, Asher.”
And then the tears that fell were warm and soft, my breathing easier, as some of the cracks in my heart began to fill with hope.
