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“I have a gift for gab. I didn’t have time or desire for any personal life when I first came to the area and started bartending. She frequented my then place of work. She observed me. Watched me sometimes meet up with a patron after closing. She presented me with a business plan to utilize my existing routine to a financial advantage. Not all of them wanted sex. Some wanted me to watch them try on outfits for various benefits and give them my opinion. They were hungry for simple companionship. As was I.”
“How many women have you had sex with?” she blurted.
“I’m not answering that. Back to Judith and Peter Long. I stopped seeing Judith a month before I even met you. Judith needed professional help. She needed an abuse counselor. To leave Peter. Peter abused Judith. Not only did she confide in me, but I saw evidence of it and —”
“I’m sure you did. I’m certain you saw a lot of her… me, hundreds of women,” Lanie snapped.
“Touché. And no, not hundreds. Marian is successful because she is smart. Besides the safeguards she has in place, I guarantee you the news station will do everything necessary to keep the truth about their lead anchorman and his abusive nature from being exposed.”
From what she read online and saw on the news, they were reporting the shooting as accidental. In the process of relocating the gun to what Judith deemed a more secure location, it fired, and she killed Peter. “Regardless, if anyone else ever finds out about women hiring you for whatever… you accepted pay for sex. And I’m not okay with it. I don’t know if I ever will be,” she choked saying the last statement. Twisting and lowering her head, she repeated to herself internally to not cry. If she did, he would spring into his protective, soothing role. And she might be weakened to the point of surrendering herself to his comfort and abandoning reality.
The reality being that her boyfriend prostituted himself. It’s hard enough imagining your significant other’s past sex life. In their case, she replayed in her mind the spontaneity and recklessness of their sexual activities. Had any of it been real? He obviously knew how to seduce women. Had she been another he learned and delivered what she craved?
“Please don’t say that, Lanie. Even without my sordid past, you’re too good for me,” he muttered.
Jerking upright, she glared at him. “So, that’s it. I became a quest. A quest for you to woo me without payment. To confirm if you still have it,” she accused.
He jolted and his face sunk. Her words struck him severely. As they should. She made a mistake in agreeing to see him. It didn’t matter what he said. She wasn’t ready. Not when images of him kissing other women, undressing other women, enjoying other women possessed her thoughts.
“You know that’s not true. I had already reduced my appointments through Marian. I believe I was waiting for a real reason to completely give it up. And you were that reason. I can’t change it, Lanie. If I could, I would. I never imagined when I got into it that I would meet someone and love them like I do you. I never envisioned it affecting my future because I didn’t think about my future. I lived in the moment,” he confided.
He said he loved her. She heard him say it. It angered her. She didn’t know if she wanted his love. It only further complicated a fucked-up situation.
“I need to go. I won’t be at the bar this week. Hunter comes home Saturday and I already have days off for that. I don’t know what I’ll do.” She gave him a chance to explain, but it did little to ease her worries. The facts were the facts. He sold himself. Every woman that glanced their way or walked by their table she wondered if they might be a client of his. She worried if they were, did they believe she was a client too.
“I don’t want to lose you, Lanie. I also don’t want to give you too much space, but I don’t want to push you away. I respect your need for time though. I do. I will honor your wishes.” He extended his arm across the table but stopped short of actually touching her hand. “I’m dying to hold you and promise to make things right again. But I’m the son of a bitch who hurt you.”
A huge part of her was dying for the same. Her chest ached. Tears welled in her eyes. “You have hurt me,” she whimpered.
* * *
Without workand Gavin occupying her time, she had way too much of it to dwell on everything. She missed him. She missed the bar. According to the news, the investigators deemed Peter Long’s shooting accidental. No charges were being filed against Judith. She never found any mention of Gavin or the escort service.
By Wednesday after having two days of being alone in her big empty house with her heart hurting and only her fickle musings keeping her company, she texted Gavin asking if she could come in and work. He replied immediately telling her to come in. If she stayed at home sinking deeper into a depression, it would impact her time with Hunter that weekend. She wouldn’t allow that to happen.
Things were tense and she and Gavin were hesitant around each other at first. But it didn’t take long to slide back into their normal banter and entertaining dialogue with the staff and customers. She pretended nothing had changed. She wished it never had.
“Did you love her?” she asked him while they were standing away from anyone else.
He placed the towel he held on to the cooler and gazed at her. “Who? Judith? No. I cared for them all, but I never loved any of them. I love you.”
“Did she love you?”
He twisted his lips. “I believe she thought she did. But I could’ve been anyone. She desperately needed someone to be kind to her. She needed a man to treat her respectfully and affectionately.”
“I’m scared, Gavin. It’s so much to process. And I don’t want to be without you, but I don’t know if I can be with you.”
Placing his hand lightly over hers, he grinned and nodded. “It’s more than I could ever ask for. We will take it slow. Communicate. A lot. One day at a time.”
That very night after work, she went home with Gavin. The sex remained ultra-satisfying and mind-blowing, but different. Tainted. And she struggled to accept his past. She wondered when he touched her, how many women he touched in the same way.
He recognized her developing reservations and remoteness and he showered her with affection and assurances. But she couldn’t shake them. The harder he tried to pull her closer, the farther she wanted to be. He might not have lied to her, but she felt betrayed.
After Hunter’s visit, it became easier to distance herself more and more. She didn’t see him outside of work. And he didn’t pressure her. She didn’t shun his affection when she saw him, but she decided to cease all sexual activity. It only confused her more and concluded with her crying in secret in the bathroom.
Behind the bar of an extremely busy Japanese featured night including Gavin dressed as a samurai and her as a geisha, David approached her. And he looked none too pleased. She had been avoiding him. Avoiding everyone. Except Hunter and Gavin.
In that moment, the corresponding costumes embarrassed her. David marched up to the counter and demanded, “We need to have a word, Lanie.”
