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Or maybe I was reading into that basic ass conversation way too deeply, that conclusion easier for me to believe as I finally got back around to packing my stuff. And it wasn’t long before I found myself nearing the finish line, only to be slowed down when I got to my personal collection of Lance’s jerseys that I’d acquired over the past few weeks.
It was like they each had a memory tied to it, from the one I’d worn to the first game I’d attended with his parents to the one in his size that I usually preferred to wear around the house during away games. And of course, there was what I considered the “good luck” one that still had random people calling me Sandy Cheeks, that thought making me smile to myself just as Lance said, “That one is my favorite on you. The hem sits right at the cup of your ass.”
Since I hadn’t even realized he was back, his comment had honestly startled me a bit. But when I thought about what he’d actually said, I couldn’t help but smirk as I casually began to fold it while telling him, “That makes sense.”
Once I stuffed it into a box with the others, there wasn’t much left for me to distract myself with, meaning I was completely focused on Lance when he stepped a little further into the room and said, “Yani, I really am happy for you. I know that’s probably hard to believe after the way I acted the other day, but it's the truth.”
“Thatishard to believe,” I confirmed. “But thanks anyway.”
The grin he responded with was quick and tiny. But I’d still managed to catch a glimpse of it right before he somberly admitted, “Thisjust… this isn’t easy for me, you know?”
“And you think it's easy for me?” I asked with a frown, hating the lump of emotion that immediately grew in my throat as I told him, “Lance, this was literally one of the hardest, if nottheehardest, decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. And yes, I had a feeling you wouldn’t be thrilled about it. But I also thought as my friend, as my lover, as my fuckin’ everything, you’d at least be willing to hear what I had to say for myself.”
“Which is funny, cause I thought all those same things would be a good enough reason for you not to go off and make yet another life changing decision like this without me.”
Once he said that, I realized why he’d really been so upset.
It wasn’t about me taking the job, or even about me leaving really.
It was that I’d made a decision that would affect us both in a real way on my own, the same way I’d made the decision to go to the University of Oregon on my own all those years ago.
And that hurt his feelings.
Of course, I hadn’t gone into it with malicious intent. I’d even made an effort to share the news right away so that Lance would have some time to prepare himself instead of waiting until the last minute like I’d done as a teenager. Buttellinghim after my decision was already made was still different thanincludinghim in my decision before it was final. And from that perspective, I hadn’t handled this correctly at all, making me feel terrible once Lance looked me in the eye and said, “I guess we were both wrong.”
With that, he turned to leave the room while I stood there trying my hardest not to cry, the sound of his footsteps getting further and further away making my chest tighten as I struggled to hold it in. But once I heard a door slam, I realized there was no use, quietly letting the tears stream down my face as I found myself contemplating if sticking around for another week was even worth it.
