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Chapter Five
Ryan
“I don’t knowwhy you’re upset about this.”
I look away, feeling stupid as Shea looks down at me. Toeing my dress shoe into the grass that’s outside of the hall people are gathering in for Amelia’s meet, I shrug. I hate feeling small. I’m not a small dude, but Shea has a way of making me feel small. Especially when I know I’m being ridiculous.
Before I can say anything, Shea says, “You know how many times I messed up? In and out of the NHL. It happens, Ryan. You’re only hurting yourself dwelling on it.”
I nod. “I know.”
“So, quit thinking about it. I can see it’s bothering you.”
“I just hate when Coach gets on to me.”
“Well, you better get used to it. My coaches rode my ass like a horse. It makes you a better player. You have to be able to take criticism. You have to be able to learn from it. Grow.”
“No, I know that,” I say. “But I thought it was a solid play.”
“Well, it could have been, but he wanted it better. He knows what you want, he knows what you’ve been working for. He isn’t a dumbass, Ryan. He’s a smart man—”
“I know that.”
“Then stop.”
I meet his heated gaze. I need this. Shea is a no-holds-barred kind of guy. He expects us to believe in ourselves the way he does, and I do. But man, for some reason, I’m still pissed about what happened. I don’t want to go into defensemen week with that on me. It worries me that Baylor will think I don’t want this. That I don’t want the NHL. I do. Fuck, I do.
“I believe in you. We all believe in you. Believe in yourself, bud.”
I swallow hard. “I do.”
“Ryan, that’s the one thing holding you back. Your confidence in yourself. It’s annoying as hell.”
“I know,” I say softly. I really don’t get it. I’m confident everywhere, I have to be, but if I mess up, my confidence is gone. It’s fucking frustrating.
“Then don’t do this. Enjoy your senior year, work hard, and know that your hard work will pay off.”
“I am, but I feel like nothing is ever going to happen.”
“And it could not. You were the one who didn’t want to go into the EHL when you had your chance.”
“Because then I’d be playing for shit money with no one looking at me. I’m better here. And also, if I’m in the EHL, I won’t have time for the education I want.”
He holds his hands out to me. “Exactly, Ryan, you made that choice. And I agree, you’re too good for the EHL. But, bud, people are looking at you.”
“I don’t think they are.”
“They are. Listen, I think you are made for the NHL. Thank God you took after me and not your dad in the hockey department.” He says it with a wink. Though, I don’t smile, much to his dismay. It was always a joke that my dad didn’t know a lick about hockey, but he was a big fan. Mostly because of me. “But, bud, if it doesn’t happen, then it doesn’t. But you have to remember to work hard so that, no matter what, you know you gave it your all.”
I get what he is saying and I appreciate it, but damn it, I hate his words. “I want it to happen.”
Shea takes my shoulders in his hands. “Bud, I want that too. You have to be patient.”
I nod. “I just want to make everyone proud.”
His face softens. “Oh, Ryan, come on. We are all so proud of you.”
I hate feeling like this, and I know I shouldn’t. I’m working my ass off, but something just feels off. I’m not confident that I’ll go in like I should be. Like Shea wants me to be. “Will you be mad if I don’t make it?”
“No, but I honestly feel you will.”
“Don’t tell my mom I asked that.”
He squeezed my shoulders. “Well, seeing as how she bitched at me to talk to you since Amelia was worried, which worried her, I’m gonna tell her I talked to you and you’re fine.”
Fucking Amelia.
“I’m gonna kill that sister of mine.”
“Yeah, I wanted to too since we all know how hard these next couple of months are for your mom.”
My heart drops into my gut. “I know,” I agree. Amelia knows too. I don’t get why she called Mom. I’m fine. Just a little defeated lately. Nothing I can’t get over.
“But then again, you know how those two are. The best of friends, they worry.”
“They don’t need to. I got this.”
“You do, bud. You do,” he insists, and I nod slowly.
“Thanks.”
He squeezes my shoulders once more. “Anytime. And listen, you have options. If this isn’t really what you want—”
I narrow my eyes, cutting him off. “Who said it isn’t what I want?”
His eyes search mine, and he looks as if he is trying to choose his words carefully. “I’m just saying that if at any time this isn’t fun, maybe it’s not what you want.”
What the hell? I’m upset by one thing, and hockey’s not fun anymore? That’s bullshit. “It is fun.”
He doesn’t seem convinced, but it is. I love hockey. I love everything about it. I love the rush, the fast pace, and the camaraderie. I love it. I do. Yeah, I don’t like the pressure from Coach or even the way he talks to me sometimes, but I can learn to deal. “For real, Shea. I love it. I want this as my career.”
“And I support you, bud.”
Our gazes stay locked, mainly because I don’t believe he thinks I love it. I do. This is what I’ve wanted since I was a kid. Before I can say anything, though, my mom snakes her arm around my waist. “This looks intense.”
Shea looks to his sister. “No, we’re just talking.”
