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I blink. “I hate your fear.”
His eyes widen. “What?”
“I hate it. I think it’s ridiculous because, guess what, I was fucking scared too, but I fell in love with you anyway! I essentially threw my heart at you because I thought you wouldn’t break it. I thought you would protect it, cherish it, just like you do me. But fuck, Asher, what are we even doing?” I cup my forehead and hate the tears that are rolling down my cheeks. “I thought when we decided to take this to the next level, you were with me.”
“Ally, I am.”
“No. You’re not.”
“I fucking am,” he asserts, meeting my gaze, his eyes burning into mine. “I can’t be in love without you.”
I pat myself on the chest, losing control. “I’m right here, Asher. Right here. What else do you want from me? I’ve given you my heart, my soul, and my body, Asher. What? What else can I give you to make you see that I love you!”
“Nothing, Ally. You don’t have to give me anything. I know you love me.”
“Then what is the fucking problem?”
His eyes shut slowly, and a tear leaks out and trails down the side of his face, getting lost in his beard. I refuse to acknowledge it—well, at least I try because, without much warning, a sob rips through me. “I’m the problem,” he says in a near-whisper.
“Obviously!” I yell, holding my palms up at him. “So, quit. Is that really too much to ask?”
“No,” he says before he swallows hard. “You’ve got to understand, Ally baby,” he pleads, his eyes meeting mine. “I’ve spent my whole love life lying and keeping girls at bay. I’d never let any of them get close. But there is no keeping you at bay. I want you to be woven into my life. I want to be close to you because you make me feel. But when you make me feel, you scare me. I never fully opened up to anyone because if things went south, it wouldn’t matter. You know me. You get me, and if I give you all of me, I could lose you.”
I throw up my hands and let out a groan that the neighbors probably can hear. They’re getting quite the show tonight. “Asher, you don’t know that.”
“I do,” he says matter-of-factly. “My dad lost my mom, Shea lost Elli, Aiden lost Shelli. Hell, Posey almost died, which would make Boon lose her. Shit, Ally, can’t you see the risk—”
I grab him by his shorts, yanking him to me. “I am worth the fucking risk, Asher. William. Brooks.” I poke my finger into the middle of his chest. “Either figure that out, or let me the fuck go.”
I start to move away, but he grabs my shoulders, keeping me in place. “I cannot lose you.”
“I will not stand around and be played with.”
“I’m not—”
“If you don’t love me, you’re playing with me to keep me around for your selfish needs. I am not here for that, and I will not be treated this way.”
I go to turn, but he stops me. “I’m not doing that. I care so much for you—”
“As a friend,” I say, yanking my arm from his.
He looks helpless. “Yes, Ally, you are my best friend.”
I shake my head, the tears falling faster, and I know what I promised. I do. But everything hurts. “Then, as your best friend, take my advice. Acknowledge what you have in your hands, or walk away.”
My eyes are held hostage by him for longer than I intend. When I’m finally able to tear them away, I gather my things and slide on some pants. I wipe my face, certain I am doing the right thing. I’m all for being patient
and not rushing him, but he doesn’t get to give me the best night of my life, say he wants my future, but then not admit to loving me. I know he does. I fucking know it, and he shouldn’t struggle to tell me so. I walk into the living room to grab my keys. As much as I want to ignore him, I see him leaning on the bar, watching me.
I don’t mean to meet his gaze, but somehow, I do. He sucks in a deep breath, his eyes begging mine. “Please don’t leave.”
“I’ve got an early morning, and you need to find Jesus or something.”
I’m met with silence. “You’re not leaving because of your early morning.”
“Well, no shit,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m leaving because you’ve hurt me.”
He looks away. “See, that’s what happens when you let feelings—”
