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His whole face scrunches up. “My legacy is you five kids. Not what y’all do or how you do it, but that you are on this earth, being you. Each of you adds so much joy to this world, and it’s not because of your careers. Shelli and Posey are and will be great moms. They are going to mold those kids’ minds, and they are already molding the hockey players’ minds. Owen volunteers and uses his platform to bring awareness to mental health. Quinn wants to help hockey players get back to the ice as soon as possible. And look at you.”
“Yeah, I quit—”
“You chose your mental health over a sport you love,” he corrects, holding my gaze. “Do you know what kind of courage that takes?”
I swallow hard, unable to look away.
“Then you came home, and you’re now so involved in all your siblings’ lives, and you help me and your mom. And then, you decided to go back to school, where not only are you getting a degree in sports therapy but also a minor in sports training. Jesus, Evan, that’s incredible. You’re using your struggles to help others. You are an RA and a team sports trainer—don’t you see how incredible that is? Bud, you’re adding more and more to my legacy and yours. I am so proud, and I love you.”
I want to believe him, but I have to ask, “Why, Dad? I gave up—”
“Stop saying it like that,” he demands, shaking me gently. “You didn’t quit or give up. You chose to take care of you. There are people who don’t do that, and they end up addicted to a substance or ultimately end it all. You walked away to protect yourself and not end up like that. I applaud that. We all do. We just want you to be the best version of you, bud. And we support you, no matter what.”
A tear runs down my cheek as his words rattle my soul. It’s everything I want to believe, and coming from my hero, I should totally know it’s the truth. But this nagging feeling in my mind tells me he has to say this. I’m his son; he has to keep me going.
Dad reaches out then, brushing aside my tear before taking my jaw in his hand. “I can see the wheels turning in your head, Evan, and I know you’re trying to doubt everything I’m saying. But I’ve been thinking and forming these words since you called and told us you were coming home. It’s my truth, and I need you to believe me. Stop holding yourself back and tiptoeing around me. I love you, son—all of you—and nothing will ever change that or make me less proud of you.”
I’m unable to speak, and I think he knows that. He pulls me into another suffocating hug, and I wish he could absorb me so then maybe I’d be just as awesome as Shea Adler. While he may think I’m great the way I am, I want nothing more than to be everything that he is. I wish I could believe his words and know that I am.
But the doubt is there, ruining it all, and I wish… Fuck, I wish it would stop.
