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ChapterOne
“I’m sorry, but we don’t have any more room tonight.”
“Yes, but—” Jess started.
“Lady, if I had room, I’d let you in. I’m not being a dick. I’m just telling you we’re maxed out. Try the shelter down on…” The man glanced down at Jasper and hesitated. Then he went ahead and finished. “Forty-Eighth Street. They might have some room.”
Jess could tell from the man’s frustrated tone she wasn’t the first person to beg to be allowed in tonight. She also knew there was no way in hell she was taking Jasper to the 48thStreet shelter again. There were degrees of homeless shelters in Philly and she’d learned firsthand that 48thStreet was one of the worst. While it was open to women only, that didn’t mean it was particularly safe.
Last night, they’d listened to a mentally ill woman cry loudly for hours, while another woman—strung out on God only knew what—screamed obscenities at anyone who looked at her twice. Jess knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she and Jasper would be safer taking their chances on the streets.
Instead of continuing to fight, she merely nodded, a feeling of utter defeat washing through her as she watched the man close the door to the shelter.
She remained outside the door for a few moments, her mind whirling over what the hell she was supposed to do now.
January is no time to learn how to be homeless, she thought wearily.
“Mommy. I’m cold.”
Jess glanced down at her sweet little six-year-old and fought back the panic threatening to break through the cracks in her fake composure.
“I’m know, buddy. Let’s, um…”
Let’s what?
She was the mom. She was supposed to have the answers, but she was fresh out of options. She was tired, hungry, stressed out, freaked out, and running on fumes. She’d been racing toward this brick wall in a speeding car with no brakes for weeks now. Tonight, she’d finally slammed into it.
Game over.
“Let’s walk back to Miss Debbie’s and get the car.”
Jasper, who was obviously experiencing the same exhaustion and hunger she was, did exactly whatshefelt like doing.
He whined.
Loudly.
And even stamped his feet, just to make sure he was driving his point home.
“I don’t want to walk anymore. I’m too tired.” The tears in his eyes were her undoing, and she swallowed the lump in her throat. She couldn’t stand to see him cry, especially when none of this was his fault.
She took a deep breath and beat back her panic, her fear, her own tears. She couldn’t let Jasper down, and she sure as hell couldn’t let him see her fall apart.
She also couldn’t blame him for refusing to walk on. She’d taken him on a ridiculous crisscross pattern around downtown Philadelphia, in search of somewhere they could stay for the night.
Debbie, another waitress at the diner where Jess worked, lived ten blocks from here, and there was no way Jess could cajole Jasper into making that trek. It simply wasn’t fair to ask it of him.
“Come on,” she said, bending down. “I’ll carry you. It won’t take us long.”
He lifted his arms and she hefted him up, positioning him on her hip securely. He was growing up so fast, getting bigger every day, and she realized her days of being able to carry her baby boy around were numbered.
“This way, we’ll stay warmer too,” she added, fighting hard to infuse her tone with some optimism, a difficult task, given the fact she wanted to scream the world down right now.
Jasper didn’t respond, either with words or even a smile. Instead, he put his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes, which proved exactly how tired he was. Lately, Jasper had been proclaiming himself too big to be coddled or babied. The fact he was willing to be carried proved she’d pushed him way past his limits today.
The two of them made the trip back across town, plowing headlong into the biting, brutal January wind. Weather forecasters were predicting more snow in the next day or two. Jasper turned his face away from the strong gales, burying it in the crook of her neck and shoulder. Jess wished she could do the same. Her eyes stung, her nose ran, her cheeks were numb, and she shivered violently, even though she was bundled up in a hat, gloves, boots, and a coat. Granted, her coat and boots had seen better days, and the pointer finger on her right hand was sticking out of a hole in the glove.
Nothing had gone right today.
