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He paused. One of them had to throw out the first olive branch…so he tossed it, opened up about the cancerous feelings that had consumed him since the day Matt called him at college to tell him that Mom was dead. “I should have remembered all of that, I should have been there for her more, should have—”
“Stop,” Matt said, putting his hand up. “Stop right now.”
Gage thought for a moment that Matt was going to stand up, storm out. His older brother held his gaze, cold, distant, and he clearly did not want to have this conversation.
It took ice time to melt. Gage saw the moment it began to.
Matt took a ragged breath, and for just a moment, he laid the pain he was feeling bare for Gage to see. “Mom’s death was not your fault. I didn’t know that you’ve been thinking that all this time. If I’d known, I would have…”
Old habits died hard. Matt had been a controlling bastard for years, and his words touched that sore spot. Gage struck out, hating himself for it even as he did it.
“What, Matt? You would have told me to stop feeling that way? I know you’re a control freak and you like to think you rule the world, but you can’t tell me how to feel or what to think.”
“I know that.” Matt studied his face, and now—like so many times before—Gage got the feeling his brother wanted to say something.
Gage wanted to push, wanted to scream at Matt to just spit it out, but how far could he take this discussion before he took ittoofar? This was the closest the three of them had come to a real, honest talk in over a decade, and even as much as it hurt, Gage didn’t want them to leave.
Don’t leave.
He really was a fucking head case.
“What does Mom have to do with your feelings for Penny, Gage?” Conor asked quietly.
Gage shook his head. He knew, but he couldn’t say it.
“You loved Mom,” Matt answered for him. “She was your whole world when we were kids. The video games, D&D, comic books…the two of you loved the same things, spent hours together.”
“That’s true,” Conor chimed in. “I loved Mom, more than I can say, but she wasn’t just Mom to you. She was your best friend.”
Matt agreed. “And in the way of young sons, I’d venture to guess she was your first love. I can remember when you were in first grade. You insisted you were going to marry Mom when you were a big boy.”
Conor grinned. “Yeah, that tracks. Sometimes I was jealous of your relationship with her. Not enough to put a bookmark inThe Lord of the Ringsand playGuitar Heroall the damn time, but still…”
“Mom was beautiful. Inside and out,” Gage said.
“She was. But none of that answers my question,” Conor pointed out, looking from Gage to Matt.
“Did I ever tell you the last thing Mom said to me?” Gage asked, perfectly aware he hadn’t. He hadn’t told this story to another living soul.
Both his brothers shook their heads.
“It was Christmas break, right after New Year’s. I wasn’t supposed to go back to school for another week, but one of my buddies had gone back early and was throwing some big-ass party. I decided to cut my trip home short so I could go, the idea of getting wasted with my friends and fucking some blonde sorority girl taking precedence over family time.”
Gage closed his eyes and rubbed his brow, the next part hard to remember. “I’d packed up my shit and was standing by the front door. Mom had made all these plans for us for that last week, anIndiana Jonesmovie marathon, a video game night, a couple new recipes she wanted us to make together. You know how she was when we came home from college.”
“She always had big plans, a way to make every single day special, different, fun. I think she needed those plans to…” Conor paused.
None of them finished that statement. They all knew. Mom struggled to keep her dark feelings at bay. It helped her to plan fun things. It was like she had to schedule her happiness in order to find it, because feeling joy didn’t come naturally to her.
Conor continued talking. “That same holiday, she’d planned aLord of the Ringsmovie marathon with me, found out my favorite author was doing a book signing a couple hours away. She had a whole list of ideas for us. But I was invited to go to California with my best friend’s family right after Christmas, so I asked for a rain check.”
Matt sighed. “We can all play the blame game if that’s what you think will help. I was no better. I was already working here by that time. Dad was putting me through my paces, piling more and more onto my plate. I can remember putting Christmas dinner in my planner and only allowing two hours for it. Scheduling it like it was just another meeting. I was worried about that too because Dad had only scheduledonehour for dinner.”
“I didn’t know that,” Gage admitted, wondering how the three of them could have let so many years go by without talking about this. About her.
“What did Mom say to you?” Conor asked, leading Gage back to his story.
“I was saying my goodbyes, in a hurry to get on the road. Like missing five minutes of some stupid party would be the end of the world. Mom hugged me, and she had tears in her eyes. She said, ‘Don’t leave.’”
