AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I haven’t.”
“It’s a brutal disease. And when it’s someone you love…”
She reached out, and he took her proffered hand, clung to it like a lifeline as he let himself say all the things he’d bottled up for years.
“Ever since my mom died, it’s been hard for me to open myself up to others. I trusted her. I loved her. She was more than a mom. She was my best friend. And…she left me. Shechoseto leave me.”
“Gage, I’m sorry. I really am, but—”
He cut her off. “For a long time, I felt guilty about her death.”
“Guilty? Why?”
“Because I left her first. I went off to college, joined a frat, didn’t come home often because I was too busy with friends and partying and bullshit like that.”
“That wasn’t you leaving her. That was you growing up.”
Gage nodded. “I know that. But holding on to the guilt was easier than setting the other emotion loose.”
“What emotion?”
“Anger. She didn’t deserve for me to be angry at her. She was sick. I knew that.”
Penny let that sink in, her expression changing from sadness to understanding. “Gage—”
He forged on. Now that he’d opened the floodgates, he couldn’t stop. “I was so fucking furious with her, I couldn’t see straight. The only way I could deal with all the anger was with booze and fucking. I’m not proud of that, but…”
“Grief is a bastard, Gage. You found a way to deal with your pain. Own it. Learn from it. Move on.”
He snorted. “You make it sound so simple.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think any of this is simple.”
“I’ve spent the last decade pushing everyone away because I lost the ability to trust people not to leave. So…I made sure I always left first.”
“That makes sense, but I don’t think your motherchoseto leave you.”
Gage knew that. Now. For so long, he’d viewed her suicide as her leaving him, but now, he understood it was the only way she knew to escape the unending pain and loneliness.
“You’re right. She didn’t.” He leaned toward her, kissing her forehead.
“I wish you could find a way back to your brothers. Maybe you could help each other. Because I’m sure they’re struggling as much as you are. Your loss was their loss as well.”
“It was. We talked a bit this week. First time since Mom died. And it did help a lot.”
“I’m glad. I don’t know Conor well, but I know Matt cares about you. I think it’s just hard for him to show you.”
Gage wondered how she could be so certain of that, but he didn’t question it because she was right.
“I walked away from you because, despite all my best efforts, you made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. And it brought back some memories I couldn’t handle.”
“And now?”
“I’m going to stop being a coward. I’m going to be brave, because running and hiding comes with too high a price.”
She tilted her head, confused.
“Losing you. I can’t find a way to live without you, Penny. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m sorry I left. Sorry I hurt you. More sorry than I can say.”
