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I gasped. “Are you close to that?”
“Thecomponentsare all there. In theory—the rest is just a matter of persistence and experimentation to make those components work consistently.” He didn’t sound optimistic or proud. His tone was heavier than ever.
“The Reich is ever expanding. Even if we landed a man on the moon, Hitler would just want to occupy that too. And Otto says that as soon as we can prove the new prototype works, we’ll be asked to produce thousands of them.” Jürgen downed the rest of his wine in one gulp, then threw the glass into the fire. I flinched when it shattered. He kept his voice low, but he did nothing to curtail the fury it contained. “Thousands of them? It’sinsanity. Do you know how we’re going to resource that production? It won’t be with paid laborers, that’s for damned sure.”
“How, then?” I asked hesitantly.
“Prisoners,” he said, and his voice broke. It was thick with tears as he whispered, “We are already using them to a lesser extent—we hire them from the SS. They bring busloads from the camps every few weeks.”
“German prisoners?”
“From all over Europe. Mostly Jews.” Jürgen slumped. He lifted a shaking hand to rub his forehead. “If Hitler orders us to go to full-scale production, it will be innocent Jewish men who pay the price.”
I’d seen my husband up and down over the years—but I’d never seen him like this. He was broken and angry and hard and almost oozing shame and guilt. A shiver of fear ran through me.
“We tell ourselves that we’re only protecting our family, but the family is damaged by our decision to protect it,” I blurted. “Georg and Laura are awash in propaganda and we can’t correct them. You’re a part of something you hate, and I canseethat it’s killing you.”
Life in Berlin was close to normal, aside from some rationing and, at one point, a series of air raids. The papers painted the Reich as the victim of European aggression, always pushing forward to do good, never to harm. But the war machine was powered by German men, and when they were released on periods of furlough, they brought reality home with them. I’d heard enough rumors of systemic imprisonment of Jews across the expanded Reich to know there was hideous truth there. These whispers circled around me, each one a tiny piece of a puzzle I knew in my heart was dark, even if I couldn’t see the whole picture, and even if, day-to-day, it all seemed so very far away. “Every morning, I wake up and carry on as if this is all acceptable, so I’m complicit too, aren’t I?” I whispered.
We sat in silence for a long time, and I sought that sense of peace again, trying to focus on the sights and sounds and the scents of the lake. But I couldn’t relax—not after hearing the torment in my husband’s voice, and especially not after he turned to me and said quietly, “I would do anything for you and the children. Anything.”
“I know.” He had more than proved that over these years.
“Every day, when it feels like it’s all too much, when I want to screamwith the insanity of it all, I think of you and the children and that is all I can do to keep going.”
“But the madness is spiraling all over Europe, and we’re just sitting here drinking wine?” I cried bitterly.
“That’s exactly why I wanted this place. Why weneed it. The day might come when we decide that keeping the family safe can’tbe our highest priority in the context of what’s happening.” He drew in a shuddering breath. “I realized that if the point comes when we need to draw a line in the sand and saythis far and no further...well, so long as we’re meeting here, we can find a way to speak freely. We can work together to make a plan.”
After that weekend, I vowed to make trips to the lake house my highest priority.
Georg had been asking if Hans could join us for a weekend at the lake house from his very first visit, and I’d always discouraged this—wanting to reserve that place for our family. But over the summer of 1942, I finally gave in, and Hans joined us for a week. He was about to turn thirteen, and I sensed he was relieved to have a break from the bustle of his own home. Lydia and Karl achieved their goal of eight children for the Reich, but despite their small team of nannies, it seemed they expected Hans to parent himself. I knew from my own childhood exactly how lonely that could feel.
Despite everything, I liked Hans. He was a lot like my Georg—a good kid, albeit one bent out of shape by Nazi influence. Cut adrift from all of that, I saw the kindness of his heart set free again. If Georg didn’t clear his plate after dinner, Hans would remind him. If Laura felt left out, Hans would encourage Georg to include her.
I barely saw the children during the day—they’d disappear out the front door as soon as they were awake and they’d return only when they were hungry or too sunburned to continue adventuring. At night, they tumbled into bed early, resting up to prepare for the next day.
But when the week was over, Lydia arrived to collect Hans. I was expecting her driver to arrive alone, so I was surprised and a little dismayed when she slipped from the back seat of her silver BMW. She’d left her other children behind with the nannies.
“You’ve been spending so much time down here,” she said, as we sat around the kitchen table. “I wanted to see what the place was like.”
I set a cup of chicory “coffee” in front of her, then took the chair opposite her to drink my own. I scanned the kitchen, trying to see it through her eyes. I’d given her only scant details about the lake house, knowing she’d picture something grander if left to her own imagination.
“It’s been a godsend for us to be able to reconnect while Jürgen is busy with work.”
“And he’s coming today?”
“That’s the plan. He was due last weekend, but something held him up.”
“Did he not tell you? That’s the main reason I wanted to come by. I wanted to congratulate you.” She seemed conflicted, her gaze darting around the room as she gnawed on her lip. “I assumed Jürgen would have told you himself.”
“What happened?” I asked her, bewildered.
“He’s humble, that’s all. That’s why he doesn’t tell you these things. Or maybe he wanted to tell you in person...”
“If last week is anything to go by, he might just cancel the trip at the last minute anyway. Don’t keep me in suspense.”
“They are never really sure until they process the results and it seems to take them such a long time.Somuch math.” When I nodded, impatient for her to continue, she drew in a deep breath and nearly knocked me off my chair in surprise when she blurted, “But Karl says that from what they know so far, it looks like the test launch last week made it all the way to space.”
