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16
Sofie
Huntsville,Alabama
1950
Jürgen and I agreed that we should try to get into a routine as quickly as possible. A whole group of German children were starting school the Monday after the party, and Gisela was starting with them.
I helped her don her favorite dress and styled her hair into two long braids, then showed her the lunch I’d prepared for her—dark rye bread with liverwurst, and nuttyElisenlebkuchencookies for snacks. She barely managed a smile.
“Are you ready to go?” Jürgen asked as he joined us in the kitchen, dressed for work. He had purchased a second car for me but it wouldn’t arrive until later in the week, and I needed time to learn the road rules anyway. So for the time being he would drop Gisela at school, and Felix and I would walk to pick her up afterward.
“Mama,” Gisela whispered. “I’m so nervous.”
“Just stay with the other German students. You’ll all be in the same boat, but the very best way to learn a new language is immersion. Isn’t that right, Papa?”
“It absolutely is,” Jürgen said in English, and Gisela gave me one last terrified look, then followed him out the door. As soon as they were gone, I crouched to meet Felix’s gaze. He had been hiding beneath the dining room table.
“Are you ready to come out yet, little man?”
“Is he gone?” Felix asked, glancing anxiously about the room.
“He’s your papa,” I scolded him gently. “You’re going to have to get used to him sooner or later.”
“Later,” Felix decided, and he climbed out and hooked his arm around my thigh, resting his head against me. I reached down to touch his soft curls. “Breakfast, Mama?”
Once Felix ate and was dressed for the day, I packaged one of the extra batches ofElisenlebkucheninto a brown paper bag, and we walked hand in hand toward Claudia’s house. I knocked on her door, and when she opened it, I offered her the bag.
“I brought you a little gift.” I smiled. “I thought maybe we could have a cup of coffee? Get to know one another?”
She reached tentatively for the bag but didn’t move out of the doorway. Instead, she tilted her head at me.
“I haven’t forgotten how awful it was back then,” she said, dropping her voice as she glanced at Felix. “Sometimes you had to pay a price just to keep your family alive. I do understand that. But is it true?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” I replied. Her eyes narrowed.
“I think you do. Can you honestly tell me that Jürgen wasn’t involved in what happened at Mittelwerk?”
How could one word have so much power? As Claudia saidMittelwerk, my stomach dropped, and a wave of shame and guilt rushed over me, so powerful I swayed with the force of it. Felix was oblivious to all of that. He tugged at my hand, impatient to go inside to play with Claudia’s son Luis. Eventually, I wanted to tell my children everything, but he wasn’t even five years old. It wasn’t time yet for him to overhear a conversation like the one Claudia was trying to prompt.
My voice was thick with emotion as I managed, “As you say, Claudia, things were very difficult during the war.”
“Some of my friends joined the Party or turned a blind eye to the harassment of Jews on the street,” she said stiffly. “These things I can forgive. But I absolutely draw the line at running a—” she looked from me to Felix and then mouthed dramatically “—forced labor camp.”
“He didn’t runacamp!” I exclaimed fiercely, but then I sighed, knowing I’d already lost this battle. “Maybe we can sit down, and the children can play while I tell you the whole story? We didn’t have any choice about what happened.”
I felt sure if Claudia heard me out, she’d understand the impossible position Jürgen and I had found ourselves in. But she had already made up her mind. She stepped back inside and gave me a grim look.
“There’s always a choice, Sofie.Always.”
She moved to shut the door, but I couldn’t let the conversation end like that, so I stuck my foot out to hold the door open.
“As I understand, you and Klaus were living a long way from Berlin during the war,” I said firmly. “And you’re younger than us—I’m assuming Klaus was very junior at his workplace back then. You don’t knowwhatyou’d have done if you were in our position.”
Claudia raised her chin. “Actually, we refused to join the Party, and that meant Klaus was passed over for every promotion and pay rise. At times, those people made our life very uncomfortable. But more importantly, we held on to our self-respect.” She flicked a glance down to Felix and added, “I understand that Klaus and Jürgen will work together—that is unavoidable. But I have come a long way to remove my children from the influence of Nazi ideology. I am sure you understand why I do not want them mingling with the family of a man who enforced it.”
“But—”
“Please excuse me. I need to do some housekeeping.”
She pushed the door and I had no choice but to remove my foot. As the latch clicked into place, I looked down at Felix, who was staring up at me with big, sad eyes.
“Am I going to play with Luis today, Mama?”
“Not today,” I said heavily, turning back toward home.
Misery threatened to envelop me, but I shook myself. I had to keep perspective. Things in America were more complicated than I’d expected, but still not as bad as everything we’d already endured.
