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34
Idon’t go to class for two days.
Seeing that video brings everything flooding back to me.
It’d been naive of me. I thought I’d been doing so well, what with having a friend in Danny and practicing dance again. But it’s as though every past trauma I’d buried comes flying up to the surface, as though attracted to the darkness of my thoughts.
My arm is bound with my grandma’s red ribbon.
I gorge on my stash of chocolate. It tastes like the few good memories of home that haven’t been obscured by my father’s death, and at first it’s warm and comforting. But then the act becomes mechanical, a habit, and the more I eat, the more I’m trying to chase the good feelings, the taste of bliss that’s running too far away from me in the opposite direction.
In one sitting, I polish off the whole secret container of chocolates — a container that was supposed to last me allyear.
Danny later sits with me, and I have to pretend I’ve been struck down by a cold and not PTSD or stomachache. It isn’t difficult, because half the school seems to have come down with a cold, and the sound of sneezing is a frequent occurrence.
When Arabella coughs and sneezes outside her bedroom, Li screams and says she can’t possibly have her delicate throat blighted before the talent contest.
It’s the only time I laugh.
It makes me wonder what she’ll be doing. Part of me hopes it’s sword-swallowing.
There’s a knock on my door when I’m rereadingWeirdo in a Weird Worldfor the scant moments of escapism it provides.
Finlay’s mussy-haired head peeks around. My heart leaps with a shocking jolt.
“What are you doing here?” Arabella asks him outside my room before he enters. She gives me a suspicious look when she notices I’m curled up in bed. “Boys aren’t supposed to be up here. It’s inappropriate. And that goes for Danny, too, Jessa.”
Finlay slams the door in her face without a second thought. “Christ, it’s Baltic up here.” He walks over to the narrow window slit, stroking the sides of his arms for some warmth. He slants a sly gaze in my direction. “Lookin’ cozy there, sassenach. If ye want tae shove over, I can get some body heat goin’ for us.”
I keep my eyes fixed on the paragraph I’ve reread three times since Finlay’s arrival, trying to ignore my racing heart.
And then Finlay says something in a serious tone I justcan’tignore. “Rory told me that I should check up on you. Is there a reason for that?”
His green eyes pierce me, pinning me into place.
“Rory saidwhat?” I ask in shock, my voice gravelly from disuse.
“Aye, let’s just say it isnae in his nature tae inquire after others.” He tilts his head to the side, casting a neutral look over me. “Ye must be pretty special tae him.”
It sounds almost sarcastic — and yet it’s not. There’s somethingthere, half-mocking and half… not. I can’t figure out the way Finlay uses his voice, mainly because his Scottish accent disarms me every time.
“Jealous, are you?” I find myself calmly asking, turning a page in my book.
But I don’t expect his eyes to flash like that. And I don’t expect a roguish grin to spread up his face.
“How could I no’ be? He’s a handsome lad, and you’re… well, you’re you. It’d be natural tae feel left oot o’ the equation.”
You’re you.
What does that even mean?
I place my book back on the nightstand. “And how are your equations? Do you understand them better now?”
He meets my eyes. “Some o’ them,” he answers in a guarded voice. “But some are harder tae figure oot than others.” I have a feeling he’s not really talking about math.
“You can tell your master I’m perfectly fine.” I don’t know why, because it sure isn’t the truth. Rory knew what he was doing when he showed me that video. When he blackmailed me. It makes me wonder how often he’s played it himself. The idea makes me sick to my stomach.
But Finlay bristles. “He’sno’my master.” There’s an odd quake in Finlay’s voice, like maybe the more he says this, the more it’ll be true. His green eyes have narrowed severely, and I’m surprised that this single remark has managed to do this. I’m not used to seeing Finlayannoyedat me, and the effect is awful.
