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15
Being suspended from school while still physically living in school is a new experience for me. Not that I’ve been suspended before, but in Greenvale, students would be sent home. In Lochkelvin, my home consists of four gray stone walls at the top of a castle tower.
To my utter lack of surprise, the girls don’t talk to me. They don’ttreat me like a queen, either. It’s as though they’ve collectively decided that, going forward, ignoring my existence is the best course of action for them.
The way they act around me makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
If I didn’t know where I stood with them before, I do now.
I make it easy for them to ignore me. Instead of joining the girls at their table, I’ve decided to eat by myself at the end of the main dining table, as far away from everyone as possible. It means I’m chucked in with the boys, but oh well. The gremlins closest to me at least find my presence entertaining. They snigger and ping peas in my direction when the teachers aren’t looking, but their aim is shoddy and I’m the one who ends up getting told off for dropping my food everywhere.
When I’m not making friends with the tiny beetles in my room, I’m studying in the library, trying to catch up on all the schoolwork I’m missing. It feels like a never-ending pile of work. Even with a whole fortnight off to revise, I still require textbooks to understand the politics textbooks in front of me. I’m flailing. I’mfailing. I’ve never failed a class before — heck, I got into Lochkelvin due to my enviably high grades in Greenvale — but they do things differently here, and the thought of failing a class makes me want to throw myself from the tower.
Without the girls, I’m no longer privy to school gossip. I have no idea what’s happening anymore.
The Highland Games creep up on me. It’s the event I’d de-leafed the surrounding area for and something that makes the energy in the school crackle. Overnight, bleachers are installed on the sandy bank beside the loch. The trees block out most of the action, but I get to witness Rory, Luke and Finlay marching in the direction of the games, a thick wooden pole underneath their arms. All three of them are wearing kilts like it’s no big deal, even though something about it makes my heart tremble.
In all my time here, I watch the leaves of the trees turn from vibrant green to a yellowy amber. The following week, they darken further to a ruddy burning red.
My dreams become nightmares. I dream of narrowed, golden eyes. Shadowed eyes peering from trees, laughing at me, the glint of a silver knife in a hand. One night, I wake up sharply from the dream, feeling like I’m moments away from throwing up my guts. But then it subsides, and I can’t remember why I’d ever felt sick in the first place.
Either way, my soul guides me back down to the banks of Lochkelvin until it becomes my secret ritual. I wake at the crack of dawn, hours before breakfast is served, and take time just tobreathe. The air is clearer here and I’m free to exercise.
It’s funny, but my two-week suspension means I’m not hobbling up dozens of sets of staircases a day. My ankle begins to heal slowly but surely, and I’m no longer causing friction to my fracture by hurrying to get to class every hour. My bones strengthen. I feel them fuse, becoming strong enough to carry my weight without me having to hunch or limp, without my foot sticking out at an odd angle just to ease the pressure.
And then, hesitantly, I dance.
Every morning before breakfast, I dance by the loch.
For a minute, for five minutes, for ten minutes — as long as it takes before my ankle begins to protest.
I start with some basic stretches, incorporating it into an old routine I used to perform. For the first time in months, my body moves like a curve, each limb gliding through the air in graceful harmony.
With the rustle of the trees and the soft lap of the water, this feels real in a way that steals my breath. The environmentbecomesme. It’s more authentic to dance here, becoming one with the surroundings, than to perform in front of an audience in a dusty old auditorium hall. It’s like I’m part of nature, a girl of the forest, sculpted by my time here in Lochkelvin.
Every wince of pain, every inner turmoil from my time at this school, I feed it all back into my dance until I’m undulating like a dying star.
And then, at some point, I collapse, breathless, to the stony ground, looking out toward the freezing loch.
With the arrival of a new season, the air has changed. It’s crisper, colder, following the plummet of the temperature. There is mist in my breath, in every rapid pant my heart ekes out. Arriving back to the tower, with its swirling drafts, now feels like a mercy. Every time I return, I have to rub myself down with a bed-warmed towel and soak myself in precious hot water.
One morning, however, that particular luxury is denied to me because someone’s already waiting for me.
It’s Daniel.
He runs a hand through his light brown hair, looking around like he knows he shouldn’t be here at all. He seems surprised when he notices me coming upstairs. I bring my finger to my lips, gesturing at the doors surrounding us. The girls’ rooms are packed tightly into the tower and I want to keep the things the girls know about me to a bare minimum. There’s still an hour before breakfast but I don’t want to take the risk that they have super-hearing and can see through walls.
I lock the door behind us.
“I brought you books,” Daniel says as his opening gambit, thrusting a trio of dog-eared texts in my direction. Normally, those four words from a cute guy are enough to make me swoon, but Daniel doesn’t look overly thrilled to be here.
“What’s wrong with them?” I stare down at the books, doubt in my voice. “Are they covered in itching powder? Are they really rare and you’ve graffitied them and you’re going to make me get caught with them so I get punished?”
He gives me a blank look. “No, they’re just… books.”
I slump into bed, hauling the covers over my shivering body. God, I’m becoming paranoid. Daniel doesn’t seem to know where to position his eyes. He stares hard at the bold title on the top book.
“It’s a physics textbook I use. And I brought my physics notes, in case you wanted to copy them. And, um…” He pauses, looking even more awkward. “I brought my favorite sci-fi novel, in case you got bored. I-I don’t know if sci-fi is your thing, but I assumed it might be if you were interested enough to take physics, but if I’m wrong, I can just… take it back… it’s no big deal, really… I know the library isn’t that great for fiction, but… just in case…” Breaking off, Daniel looks even more doubtful. He scratches his head like a confused possum.
