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7
Shelby
My feet stuttered to a stop when I saw Jaycee sitting outside the gym, but I recovered before she looked up and fixed a warm, casual smile on my face when I greeted her. “Hey, Jaycee. How are you?”
“I’m okay, how are you?” she replied in a small voice, wincing a little as she stood.
“I’m hanging in there,” I said. Which was true. That was exactly what it felt like I was doing. After last night’s heated conversation with Paul—that I still worked at wrapping my brain around twenty hours later—it felt like I was hanging off the side of a suspension bridge. “Are you here for practice?”
She shook her head. “Not today, but um, I’m here to talk to you about it.”
“Okay, sure, let’s talk.” I held my hand out for her to pass ahead of me into the gym, and we went into the small office I shared with the other coaches at the front of the locker room. “Have a seat.”
Jaycee sat in the guest chair on the other side of my desk, again wincing in pain as she did so. “So, um, have they told you what’s going on? You know, with me? And why I’ve been gone?”
“They told me you were sick and that they were still trying to figure it all out.”
“Well, I guess I have juvenile rheumatoid arthritis,” she said, swallowing past the words like they tasted bad. I knew from experience nothing would help that feeling.
“I’m sorry, Jaycee.”
“Thanks. I guess I wanted to talk to you about the team because I really don’t want to quit.”
I nodded, understanding completely. “Did your doctors give you the okay to continue?”
“Yes, they said as long as I felt okay to do it, they didn’t see a reason for me to quit,” she replied, handing me a doctor’s note that pretty much said the same. “But the problem is, they said I’m going to have good days and bad days. And I’m not sure when they’ll happen or how many of each I’ll have in a row. And that means I’ll be a really crappy member of the team sometimes. You know? So… I wanted to check with you about it.”
“I totally understand,” I said, putting down the note and folding my hands above it. “Jaycee, do you know much about me and my heart condition?”
It wasn’t a secret. Most of the town knew, since my whole high school class had seen me faint several times during my junior and senior year. And my dance students and clients all knew I’d need to take personal days randomly when needed thanks to my inability to push myself like I used to. But I’d never actually sat down and had a chat about what my life was like with Jaycee or any of the dance team girls, so I figured now was a good time for that chat.
“I know you have one, and I know sometimes you miss practice because of it,” she said, looking at her hands.
“Exactly. And do you think that makes me a crappy coach?”
Her eyes flew up to meet mine. “No, definitely not.”
“Good. And I don’t think you’ll be a crappy member of the team if you have to miss things on bad days, either.”
Jaycee’s lips pulled into a small smile and she nodded. “Okay. Cool.”
I didn’t know much about JRA, but I knew it could be horribly painful. On my bad days, while yes, I was in pain, it wasn’t like what Jaycee was experiencing, I was sure. For me, sometimes it was like I was so tired that my body wouldn’t cooperate. I needed to lay down and stay down, having movie marathons and smoothies for my meals.
Other times, I needed to take it easy on my heart but felt fine in other ways. Which could be incredibly frustrating in the sense that my mind, most of my body, and my soul wanted to go back to seven-days-a-week practices and the dream of living a rigorously scheduled professional dancer’s existence. But I couldn’t. I had to literally sit on my hands to keep from doing it.
But with Jaycee, I knew her bad days would mean pain. She literally wouldn’t be able to dance without being in immense pain, so she wouldn’t need anyone to force her onto the sidelines. For now, the best I had to offer her was the chance to not be on the sidelines alone.
“Jaycee, you are a valuable member of this team, and even if you’re not well enough to dance, you’re more than welcome to hang out with me and watch. If there’s one thing I’ve learned as I’ve adjusted to my own diagnosis, it’s that everyone is kind of on a spectrum. Some days are so bad I can’t get out of bed, other days are so good I can do the routine right along with the team. And then there will be everything in between. On those in-between days, if you want to come help with admin stuff, even if you can’t dance, feel free. You’re still a member of the team even when you’re not dancing. Sound good?”
She grinned widely. “Yeah. That sounds great.”
“Good. Come talk to me anytime, okay? I know how lonely it can feel to deal with this kind of thing while you’re also trying to do your math homework and remember to bring a lunch on meat loaf day.”
Jaycee laughed. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, girlfriend.” I stood, tapping the desk. “How are you feeling today? Do you want to dance, watch, or help with other stuff?”
“I think I’ll watch today, if that’s okay?”
