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It took years before she’d stopped having night terrors after being diagnosed with the same condition. So even though in Shelby’s case, she was consistently monitored by specialists and was on special medication to prevent what happened to her cousin from happening to her, the reality of whatcouldhappen was never far from my mind. I could tuck it away, sure. But it was always there.
“Okay,” she said, patting my chest. “You should go, they’re already changing over.”
“I’ll see you at the landing zone,” I said, pushing away my dark thoughts and forcing a reassuring smile before I joined my dad and Will to gear up.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I would need this jump to clear my mind. It hit me then that Shelby had told me she’d pushed me away because she didn’t want me to have to deal with her symptoms or the fact that she didn’t want kids. But one thing I hadn’t considered was what it would feel like if something happened to her. Would it be worse on me now that we were together? Losing her would wreck me either way, but now that I knew what it felt like to hold her and kiss her and love her, would I ever recover if I lost her now?
“Phew,” my dad said when we were all geared up and boarding the plane. “I was excited when we pulled up. But now?”
“It’s more like anxiety?” I asked, stepping onto the plane and taking a seat next to him.
His hands shook as he tried to buckle, then he chuckled nervously as the instructor took over for him. Turning to me, my dad nodded. “Yeah. Anxiety sounds about right. Kinda like I’m gonna hurl?”
“Yeah, sounds about right, Dad.” I patted his knee. “Don’t worry, it’ll be great. You’re gonna feel a lot of different things, so hang on for a wild ride.”
“Oh, great,” he said with a laugh.
Will grinned at me from his seat on the other side of the small plane. “I’m just pumped.”
“Yeah, because it’s old news to you now,” I said. “Remember what it was like your first time? You were a mess.”
He laughed, shaking his head. “Okay, yeah, maybe. I remember I was super stoked all through the paperwork and orientation and all that, and then when we took off it was all anticipation. I couldn’t stop thinking about what it would be like when they reached altitude and opened the door.”
“And then when that happened, it switched to fear,” I added, nodding at my dad. “It’s normal, don’t worry.”
“It’s probably healthy now that I think about it,” Will said. “Being afraid of jumping out of an airplane is probably one of those survival things that keeps humans from doing dumb stuff that would get them killed.”
“And yet, here we are,” Dad said, his laughter turning to a wide-eyed grimace as the plane started moving forward. “Oh boy. Here we go.”
I leaned over so he could hear me. “Remember, fear is normal. When you’re standing on the edge, just breathe and let yourself look around. Most people will never have the guts to get up here and do this, so take it in.”
He nodded but didn’t reply, though I saw on his face that my words helped distract him. I’d jumped with plenty of first-timers, and I could always tell which ones were going to chicken out and which ones were gonna pull through. Thankfully, my dad looked like he’d make it.
“After you jump”—I continued in hopes of preparing him for the range of emotions so they would feel like guideposts as it was happening—“that fear is gonna turn into adrenaline. It’ll be wild. It’ll be fun. It’s a kind of rush you’ve never had before, and you’ll never want it to end.”
At this, a smile broke over his face as he nodded, and I could tell his nerves were ebbing a bit. “Sounds great.”
“Then the canopy opens, and it’s just calm,” Will said, dragging a hand through the air in front of him. “That’s when it hits you that you just fell from about 14,000 feet up and you’re basically one of the coolest people on the planet now.”
My dad and I laughed at him, and I shook my head. “It’s definitely a great feeling. The worst part is when that calm takes a turn and you realize it’s over.”
“Yeah, then it’s just depressing,” Will agreed.
My dad slapped his knees. “Well, shoot, boys. I feel like I don’t even need to do it now. What do you say we turn this bad boy around and go get some beers?”
I wrapped my arms around my dad and shook him. “No way, old man. You’re jumping out of this plane even if I have to push you.”
“I really wish I could still ground you,” he said with a mock glare.
“Hah,groundyou. Get it?” Will joked, a cheesy grin on his face.
Dad and I shook our heads at him, and I closed my eyes. “That was bad, Will.”
“Whatever. I think I’m funny,” he said.
I shrugged. “Hey, as long as somebody does.”
My mind flew to Shelby then, recalling the way she’d noticed that I had four different types of laughs. Who notices something like that? Well, to be fair, there was a lot I noticed about her too. I noticed the way she always tucked her hair behind her ear when she was feeling shy. I noticed the way her nostrils flare when she was mad about something, and then she’d purse her lips into a tight line. And I noticed the way she rarely wore jewelry because she’d just have to take it off before dancing, but when she did wear it, it was always very simple and elegant.
