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TWO
STELLA
Deep breath. Close your eyes. Focus Stella.
It’s never this hard. Usually, it only takes me a few tries, and I can easily find something to cling to. A focus point, something I can use to self-regulate my emotions and prevent these damn panic attacks from happening.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi.
It’s not fucking working.
“Miss Silver, did you hear the question or do I need to ask you again down at the Headmistress’s office?” Mr. Peterson, my AP History teacher, snickers as he stomps his foot impatiently.Shit, this can’t be happening.
“I’m, I’m sorry, Mr. Peterson,” I stutter, staring down at my hands on my lap. “I must have dozed off.” Certainly, it was from the lack of sleep I’ve had lately. It’s hard to find solace in my dreams when everything around me easily turns into a nightmare. I dream of her, of him, and of the monsters hiding under my bed.
Now and then I dream of a chivalrous prince who’s supposed to come and save me, sweep me off my feet, and show me how much I deserve to be loved, only he never shows.
I hear quiet snickering in the room. My classmates are eager to see me make a fool of myself, just as I always do. Sitting in the back of the room is my go to spot to ensure I’m not seen nor bothered. Not that I would be in the front of the room since everyone knows better than to interact with me. It’s like I’m cursed, and those who dare talk to me, befriend me, are cursed to commit social suicide.
“That’s Stella for you, Mr. Peterson. Weird girl with her head stuck in the clouds.” The entire class erupts in laughter at her remark.
The fucking bitch, Casey Jonas. I still can’t believe I was ever friends with the snake.
Ignoring her, Mr. Peterson continues to humiliate me. “Don’t let it happen again, Miss Silver. I’m sure your uncle wouldn’t be pleased to hear that his hard earned money is going to waste on his niece’s education.”
“Oh, don’t worry Mr. P, I’m sure Mr. Silver is well aware everything concerning his dear little niece is a waste of fucking time.” Laughter blares in my ears as I try my hardest to tune it out, but nothing seems to work this time.
Three Mississippi, four Mississippi.
“Miss Jonas, please settle down or I’ll have to send you to accompany Miss Silver to the Headmistress.” I stare up in fear. I can’t go to the Headmistress’s office. If I do, he will find out.
Casey feigns remorse as she twirls her firecracker hair in between her fingers. “Oh, I didn’t intend to cause a disturbance, Mr. P,” she coos, the fake apology clear to everyone except for Mr. Peterson. “I just felt the need to share my insights on the situation.”
A hand slams down hard against the desk two seats to my left, nearly making me and a few others jump out of our seats. “Enough Casey,” he shouts in a dark, demanding tone that sends goosebumps all over my skin. The authority he commands even makes Mr. P look unwell, as he tries to regain control of his students, who are now snickering louder. “Stop being such a goddamn bitch,” he continues, and Mr. P is nearly blowing smoke out of his ears.
I try my hardest to keep my vision focused on the keys of my laptop in front of me, but the letters are blurring together. I don’t want to turn and look at him for fear he’d see the madness in my eyes and discover how much of a liability I am.
“Mr. St. Germain, please mind your language in my class,” Mr. Peterson exclaims, having now lost complete control. Bodies all around us are moving, mouths spewing harsh remarks about me and what a complete embarrassment I am.
“It’s Saint, not St. Germain,” Kai utters defiantly. From the corner of my eye, I see him sit forward, straightening his back as if about to attack. “And if you call me that again, it’ll be the last fucking thing you say.”
Fury rages in Mr. Peterson’s eyes, but I also catch a glimpse of fear. None of the Servite Academy staff and teachers are happy Headmaster Servite and his brother Wesley implemented the program that brought Kai and his friends here, my uncle included. But I am sure it has more to do with the fact they are genuinely fearful of what the troubled kids from the wrong side of the tracks might do, than anything else.
“Alright that’s it Mr. Saint, Miss Silver, Miss Jonas, to the Headmistress’s office now!”
Quickly putting my things away, I rush out of the room with my tail between my legs and tears threatening to pour out along the sandstone floors of the hallway. A raging sea that would consume everything in its path, destroying all of those who find joy in my pain. The sweetest revenge to drown them in a river of their own creation.
But I won’t. I’ll hold it all in, just like I was taught. Don’t let your crazy show. Conceal it, reel it in, and do what little girls like you do best. Smile through the cracks.
“Great, now look what you’ve done,” Casey hisses as she joins me in the hallway. I don’t turn to face her, my footsteps quickening, trying my hardest to get away before he follows too. “I’m fucking talking to you, you stupid bitch.”
Ignore her, act like you don’t want to slam her pretty face into the nearest wall.
Five Mississippi, six Mississippi.
She scoffs, her heels tapping on the sandstone. “God, Stella, you’re more pathetic than everyone thinks. Stupid, mute, and apparently deaf too.”
“You must enjoy the sound of your fucking voice, Case,” Kai yells out, annoyed. “Cause you sure as fuck never stop talking.”
