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“Jade open the fucking door,” I hear Bass shout as he bangs against the door, only he doesn’t seem so close by.
“Get the fuck out of here Silver, she’s not in the mood to see you. If she wanted to, she'd call you,” I hear Drake shout back, but he also sounds like a distant echo.
“Yeah didn’t you see, the mere sight of you makes her fucking vomit,” Kai growls, and the irony of his words makes me laugh hysterically.
“Get the fuck out of my way, both of you. Jade please open the fucking door, we need to talk. Stella I swear if you don’t open the goddamn door right now...”
“Don’t worry,” she says, handing me a wet towel, “I locked the bedroom door too.”
I simply nod my head, at least I think I do, right now I don’t even know what I am doing.
“He doesn’t know does he?” she asks, and I’m slightly confused by her question until it hits me. She knows, she’s figured out my dirty little secret.
“I don’t...”
“Shh, don’t, it’s okay you don’t have to say it. Please don’t say it, not to me. I don’t want to be the first person you admit it to.” Her tone is soft and understanding, like always not an ounce of judgement comes from my dear friend. Her smile calms me, the sense of trust she gives me is all I need, yet a reminder that she’s the only one who gives it to me.
However, I can’t deal with this right now, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, quickly standing up but reaching out to grip the sink as my head begins to spin.
“You haven’t had a drop of alcohol in weeks, you eat like a fucking football player, like the whole team, and I’ve heard you puke on multiple occasions. I may be naive but I’m not fucking stupid Jade.”
Fear prickles at my temples as a piercingly painful headache overwhelms me.
“I called him,” she says, and it’s like another knife has been jabbed into my back. This one hurt, maybe more than the others. “It wasn’t my place, maybe I stepped out of line…”
“Yeah you fucking stepped out of line Stella, what the fuck!”
“He needs to know Jade, you’re my best friend, my soul sister, but he’s also my family, and although it may not seem like it, he’s one of the best people I know. He’s an asshole, a prideful bastard, and a huge fucking dick, but he had the biggest heart before his monster of a father ripped it out of him, and I know deep down inside there is still a piece that remains intact. If I’ve learned anything over the years, if my grief and pain have taught me anything, it’s that we aren’t them. You taught me that Jade. We are not our parents, you don’t have to be afraid. He’s not his father and you,” she pauses, unsure of what to say next or how to say it, “Just because you didn’t have one, doesn’t mean you won’t know how to become one.”
It’s in this precise moment that it all becomes crystal clear to me. Stella’s right. I haven’t kept this to myself for fear that Sebastian won’t stand by my side through it, but because I know he will, he’s made it blatantly clear that he wants to be with me. It’s not because of the issues with my brother and sister, the fact that my deadbeat father is in fact dead and I have no family left. It’s not because everyone turned their backs on me, including my friends, and I’m scared of doing this all alone.
It’s because of her. It's because I never knew my mother, never had a motherly figure until Grayson and Sarah, but they aren’t mine as much as I’d hoped they’d be. I’m panicking at the thought of not knowing how to be a mother because I never had one. I’m absolutely terrified that I’ll let down my Little Monster before he or she even has a chance.
And that’s what keeps me in denial.
But it isn’t healthy, and I can’t keep this self-sabotaging, toxic behavior up. I need to face my monsters, head on and with no restraint, and the first one is standing right outside that door.
