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12
Lila
Imadeithomesafely. Frustrated, shaken up, angry, but safe.
Lustful Lila had a temper tantrum in my apartment. She kicked and screamed, then threw sex toys around.
Logical Lila was convinced men had veered so far off the evolutionary scale that they no longer registered as the same species as us. Was it something in the water? Were cowards or morons my only options in life?
In the small kitchen, I made myself a sandwich. After wolfing it down, I crossed to the living room where I had a cushioned burgundy couch, a TV hutch, and a few plants. The walls were lined with diplomas and family pictures. It was minimalist in its décor, but I spent such long hours at the clinic that it was pointless to stuff my place with a bunch of things I’d never use.
My apartment was small but still a decent size by New York City standards. The open space concept of the kitchen, living room, and dining area gave the illusion it was slightly bigger than it actually was. My bedroom was big enough to fit a queen-sized bed, and I even had a guest bedroom for when my parents or Nana visited me.
I sunk into my comfy couch and called Mae. She was the only one who could make me feel better. By the time I finished my tale, she roared with laughter at my misfortune. “It’s not funny.”
“Bahahahaha. Yes, it is. What a wuss. Wish I had been there to see it. Man, I’d have loved to give him shit myself. Haha…”
I toyed with the tassels of the matching throw pillow and waited for her to stop laughing.
“Heeheehee…”
And waited.
Her fits finally stopped. “But, seriously, you can’t give up. It’s a numbers game, just keep trying.”
“I’m so frustrated I could scream.” I went for it. “ARGHHH!” I huffed and puffed. That actually felt good.
“Listen, Lila, you’re a sexy, smart, fabulous, witty, extraordinary, badass of a woman. Don’t let that bastard get to you. You are the one who is way out of his league. You’re the most loyal, compassionate, and kind person I know. Not to mention how fuckin’ brilliant you are. You’ll get back in the dating pool, find someone to fuck. And you’ll get over this Sahara Desert magnitude dry spell.”
“Nope. Not going back on the app. I’m doomed. I’ll never get laid again. My woohoo will become no-man’s-land.”
“Don’t say that. There are weirdos everywhere. Shovel the shit out to find a cock worthy enough to ride. But the cause is totally worth it.”
“The cause? When did I become a charity case?”
“The moment the floodgates of your sexual desperation burst open, flooding your ego with lascivious obsessions. Your unplanned awakening from your dysfunctional stint of sexual repression resulted in anxiety-ridden frenzied sexual urgency.”
“Basically,” she went on, “you’ve become a slave to lust. The only prescription to start the recovery from the self-induced repressed chapter of your life is to. Get. Laid. With somebody. Anybody. Just get it over with. Afterward, we could begin step two, the healing, so you can eventually pursue a healthy, intimate relationship.”
I liked her hypothesis. Until she got to step two. “How many times do I have to tell you? I do not want and will never be in a relationship. I don’t need a man in my life. You know that. Stop saying I need healing. All I need is a good lay.”
“Fine. Fine. Now cut this pity party crap. It’s not you. Get some rest. Forget about pisspants. Tomorrow is a new day.”
“Thanks for the pep talk,” I said.
Mae was the most unique person I’d ever met and one of the top sex therapists in the country. And she was an even better best friend. Sure, she was a bit crazy and liked to laugh at the weird shit that happened to me. But she laughed at herself even more. Her motto was: If you’re gonna shed tears, it better fucking be because you laughed too hard.
Despite all her humor and antics, she truly was the only one who could get me past my darkest times. She had been there for me through every single one of my life crises since we’d shared our first dorm over fifteen years ago. Like in third-year undergrad, when I broke up with Bradley—more like he said horrible things to me about my weight, humiliating me in front of all his friends and family, so I ran away crying—so heartbroken that I’d about given up on life. I had really thought he was the one. Until he…
No. Don’t think about the horrible things he said, Lila. They’re not true.
Back then, I had fallen so far behind in my classes I almost flunked out. Mae got me through it and even sacrificed some precious hours of sleep to help me stay on top of my studies and my sanity. All the time she spent helping me made her grades slip a couple of points, but she had her priorities straight. Friends first.
I was where I was today because of Mae. I had the career I had always dreamed of because she was there when I needed her most. She never gave up on me.
“Thanks, Mae, you really are the best.” I felt a yawn coming on, and I wouldn’t stifle another one. Ever. My mouth opened wide as my lungs sucked in air. My eyes watered, and I stretched out my limbs.
“But I’m exhausted. I have to get to bed. Luv ya, hun.”
“Dream of brave naked men running to your rescue with their footlongs swinging like helicopters.”
