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Chapter fourteen
I peeled the robe from my body, wishing I could rip it to shreds and never see it again. Then I stepped into the bath, one foot then the other, before sinking down and letting the hot water envelop me.
The cut stung but only for a second. My body was quickly becoming numb, and I wished my mind would soon do the same. Streams of blood spread through the water until I was surrounded by a pool of pinkish-red. It reminded me of last Valentine’s Day when Lincoln had filled a tub with water and rose petals, then surrounded us with candlelight. It was one of the rare occasions when he let the softness overtake his rough edges. God, I’d have given anything to go back to that moment.
I sank deeper into the water until only my face and knees were left in the open air. My eardrums pulsed from being submerged. Only the sounds of my thoughts were in my head—voices reminding me there was no escape, that I’d somehow tripped and fallen and landed in the middle of hell. It looked like heaven, but that was all part of the devil’s game, wasn’t it?
“You’re on the other side of the world. There’s no way home,”the voices told me.“There is no escape.”
There. Is. No. Escape.
My heartbeat grew louder in the echoes of the water.
It was hopeless. The fight that roared inside of me that day at Kipton’s house had diminished now.
Who did I think I was, standing up to someone powerful enough to silence a nation?
I wasn’tmissing. No one was looking for me. In the eyes of everyone I cared about, I was gone.
The little old lady with the kind eyes wouldn’t even help me now. I was trapped and the thought of that was suffocating.
The dark thoughts took over, drowning me as surely as this water could.
Wait.
Another voice whispered,“There is one escape.”
If I just sank a little deeper. If I went a little lower. If I held my breath and let the water take me.
No one would miss me. They already thought I was dead. This was my life now. How fucked up was that? I couldactuallydie, and it would be utterly meaningless because they’d already stolen that from me.
The first tear fell. Then the second.
Soon, I didn’t know where my tears stopped and the bath water began. My body shook with each heart-wrenching sob. My chest hurt, and my body ached as if I’d been hit by a freight train. Everything was sore. I brought my hand up to cover my mouth, afraid someone might hear the sorrow leave my body in ugly gasps. I refused to let them see they’d broken me.
I screamed against my hand because it was like a poison festering inside of me—the rage, the frustration, the despair, and I needed to let it all out.
I’d been handed over to a stranger who seemed incapable of feeling anything, especially love. There would be no college. I wouldn’t chase my dream of being a ball-busting female lawyer. I wouldn’t look into the eyes of the love of my life on my wedding day. I probably wouldn’t even have children.
I looked into my future and saw… nothing.
I hadnothing.
The sobs came more forceful now. Pain splintered my chest. The hand covering my mouth was covered in snot and tears. The water splashed as my shoulders shook, washing it all away.
I just wanted it to stop.
I tried to remind myself to breathe, knowing I didn’t really want to.
Why? What was the point?
It hurt. God, it fuckinghurt.
This was worse than my mother’s death. It was worse than walking into a dark, empty apartment every night because my father was never home. It was worse than knowing I could never truly be with the man I wanted because it would mean breaking my best friend’s heart.
This pain was paralyzing.
I pressed my hand firmly against my mouth, letting it block the air going into my nose too. My lungs screamed in protest. My heart cracked then shattered. But my mind—my mind stood strong.
