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Allah-Las
Not daring to look at him, even though I could feel his penetrating stare, I began to tell the awful story. "So about that night... I didn't tell you everything."
"What do you mean?"
Releasing a big sigh, I glanced up into those blue eyes that held confusion. But no condemnation. Not yet at least. God, maybe this was a mistake. Josh might hate me after I told him the truth.
"What do you mean?" he repeated, his brows drawing together.
I rolled my head around, my neck feeling tense and stiff. "That night was all my fault."
"What?" he said. "How on earth was it your fault?"
Now that I'd admitted that, I was in too deep, and I felt compelled to continue. "At dinner that night, we had such an incredible time, the four of us," I said, taking the story back to the beginning to avoid the terrible ending. "And we were having such a blast because my brother and I were older and we hadn't been on a family vacation in years. So we drank a lot and had so much fun."
"You drank with your parents?" Josh said, incredulous.
"Yeah, they're really cool. And like I said, we were older, both of us twenty-three. So it was like a turning point in our family dynamics, you know?"
"Okay. I can see that."
"And, well, I probably drank the most, enjoyed a few mai tais, which I didn't realize were pretty strong. They just went down so easily. And we were having so much fun."
Ironically, I took a long drink of my now-tepid beer, hoping for some liquid strength.
"I'm not sure I've ever had a mai tai," Josh said.
"Well, I never will again. Not after what happened."
"What happened then?"
Oh, God, here was the part I dreaded. I drained my beer before speaking, Josh's eyes lasered in on me. "So we were walking back to our room later, talking and laughing after some cheesy cruise concert where we drank even more and joked about some of the people dancing."
"Yeah?" Josh urged, sensing my hesitation.
"And, well, I was pretty wasted, and I jumped up onto a table, imitating this one woman that we had been watching who thought she was all that. We were out on the deck, and I didn't realize how close the table was to the railing." I stopped to swallow down the bile that rose in my throat. "And I lost my balance in my heels."
"Oh, God. No."
I closed my eyes at the look of horror on Josh's face. "Yeah. You can guess what happened next."
"Did your dad somehow save you?" Josh whispered.
"Yes. Yes, he did." Oh, shit, here came the tears. "He went overboard saving me," I sobbed.
Josh's strong hand covered mine, squeezing hard. "I can't... I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry that happened to you."
"But it didn't happen to me. I'm the one who did it. It's all my own fucking fault. I never should have stood up on that stupid table. If I'd just acted like a normal person, my dad would be here right now."
I fell forward, burying my face in my hands as Josh remained quiet.
"It's all my fault," I cried. "I hate myself. I hate myself so much."
"Don't say that, Jess. Please don't." Josh's steady voice fought through my anguish. "You can't blame yourself."
I lifted my tear-stained face to look at him. "How can I not blame myself? How?"
He hesitated and I could practically see him thinking, struggling to come up with an answer to my question. And I knew the struggle because there was no answer. There was no way it wasn't my fault. It was one-hundred percent, totally and completely my fault.
