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He pulled away from me, and together, we went to find Zander. Going through the kitchen cabinets, we were able to find a rather large bowl that would work for the roses, for now. Luca said he’d grab a vase for me and swing by later tonight—and I told him not to rush back, which he only laughed at.
“I will,” he said. “I’ll grab a vase after dinner, and then I’ll be back.” His dinner date with his father was the only reason Luca left afterward, otherwise I had the feeling he would stick around for as long as he could.
I walked him to the door, and he gave me a smile before he left—a smile that made my insides twist in all the wrong ways. Or maybe the right ways? Ugh, things were getting way too complicated around here.
Zander was behind me, and as I closed the door and turned to face him, he stared at me with a knowing expression. I asked in a huff, “What?”
“You like him.”
“I do not.” I started up the steps, trying my best to ignore Zander and anything he said about Luca. I didn’t like him. I didn’t. He might be handsome, might have a cute, dimpled smile, and a way about him that made me temporarily forget about the sins his father had committed with my body, but that didn’t change the past. Nothing could.
I… I was alive, but broken. Liking someone, liking anyone, would be stupid. I couldn’t like Luca, just like I couldn’t like Zander. Or the dragon man. Or anyone. I just couldn’t, and I needed Zander to understand that.
Zander followed me up the steps. “You do. You like Luca fucking Moretti.”
I stopped myself from pushing into my bedroom, holding onto the doorframe. Walking up the stairs had winded me; how sad was that? I needed to heal up and then I needed to regain my strength. “Stop it, Zander.”
“Why? It’s the truth. I could see it when you two were together. You—”
Whirling on him, I glared. “Nothing matters, Zander. Don’t you get that? It doesn’t matter who I like or who I kiss—it doesn’t even matter who I fuck, okay? In the end, none of that will matter, because I don’t have a say in my life.”
“Look at Shay. She took back her life—”
“Only after her whole family was murdered, yeah. I don’t have that luxury. My mother is dead, but my father is still very much alive, and he’ll never let me go. He’ll never let me choose.”
“If you could choose…” Zander stopped himself from finishing that question, probably because he knew whatever answer I’d give him wouldn’t be one he’d like. He would want me to choose him, of course. I wasn’t stupid.
“What would be the point in choosing when, in the end, it doesn’t matter?” I heaved a sigh, walking into my bedroom. I moved to the window, leaning my arm on it. My midsection ached with a dull thrum of pain, and I resisted the urge to touch where the bandage was. Touching it would only make it worse.
Zander didn’t enter behind me, but he did say, “You have every right to be happy, Giselle, no matter who you’re with.” It must’ve pained him to say that, given his jealous tendencies.
“And what if I can’t be happy? What if happiness is just not in the cards for me?” I turned away from the window, leaning my back on it as I stared at Zander from across the room. It was a good thing he was so far away from me; if he was closer, I might’ve reached out for him, might’ve wanted to kiss him just to forget how shitty everything was.
Kissing Zander was nice. I couldn’t deny it anymore.
Silence stretched between us. Zander was unhurried in saying, “Giselle, I…” Whatever it was he was going to say, he was cut off by his phone ringing, and though he clearly didn’t want to, he stopped and pulled out his phone from his pocket. “It’s your father.”
“Go, answer it.” Even though that’s what I said, I didn’t want him to go.
But he went, because he was Zander and he was my father’s man, and in doing so, he left me alone.
Alone, because that’s how it always was.
I eventually wandered over to my desk, sitting down on the cushioned chair. I opened the top drawer and pushed aside the papers resting on top, finding Father Charlie’s golden cross tucked away, hidden from the world. I brought it out, the metal thing heavier than it looked. I set it on my desk, letting the decorated, jeweled thing catch the natural light streaming in from the window.
What would Father Charlie think of me now? He would’ve told me to walk away that night, to leave, to let his murderers be. Now the whole gang was after me, they’d followed me here. Who could say when they’d find me again and finish the job? Father Charlie would probably say none of it was worth it, that I should’ve focused on my own life. It was his God’s will, or some stupid shit.
What God would let one of his best men die like that? That’s what I wanted to know.
As I ran my fingers over the gold, I thought about everything that had happened recently. The strange things my body had started to do while around men I was attracted to. The dragon man, Zander, even Luca. It was weird, to say the least, having those feelings while still wanting to keep distance between me and everyone else. Kind of confusing.
But that’s what I’d wanted. I’d wanted to cut the cord keeping me in the past, to move on from the trauma, the night that had changed my life in the worst way. To be a new woman, someone who wasn’t afraid of taking life by the balls and riding it—both literally and figuratively.
I thought of what Zander had said. If I had to choose…
Why should I? Why should I choose, just to make the men comfortable? If I didn’t want to, why go out of my way to do it? Of course, I understood why Zander would want me to choose him; he’d been jealous and protective of me since I could remember.
No. Right now, I was finally starting to live for myself. I wasn’t going to let myself be constrained by restrictions and limitations others had put upon me. I would do what I wanted, and that included who I wanted, goddamn it.
