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He then texted back and asked if I saw Damian. I said yes, that I’d explain later. I should be used to having Zander in my business, but it was still something I struggled with every now and then. The man knew everything about me, he fucking cared about me too; maybe that’s why it was so hard to keep him in the loop. I wanted to push him away.
I wanted to push them all away, while at the same time, I didn’t. How’s that for screwed up?
At the party last night, Zander had seen me holding my black gloves, and he’d put two and two together. I didn’t say it, but I didn’t need to. He’d seen Cade on the balcony, watching us, and the moment we’d gotten into the car to go home, he’d grumbled about it, and at that point, I saw how pointless it would be to deny it.
So Zander knew. He knew it was Cade I was with in the Playground. He also swore up and down he wouldn’t tell my father about it, and I believed him. I believed him because I had no other choice. I was so tired of going through life alone; I wanted to have someone with me, someone I could trust.
Was that person Zander? I wanted it to be, but until the day when he had to choose between my father and me, I could never be too sure.
I remained sitting in my pew longer than everyone else. Eventually, the ones who were praying got up and left. I was in no hurry to go home. The door to the church opened again, and this time, I didn’t need to turn around to see who it was.
Why? Because the person walking in was the only other person who would stick around after mass for this long—someone who had nowhere else to go. Someone who must live here, because I didn’t see any attached residences on the property.
Ezekiel took up the same spot Damian had, only when he sat down, I didn’t stiffen like I had with Damian. Probably because I was expecting him to sit down with me, and also partially due to the fact that I was so lost.
Liking all these men was wrong, wasn’t it? I still cringed when I thought of touching strangers, but I’d kissed Cade last night—and the kiss didn’t make me want to crawl in a hole and die. It was nice. It was as nice as kissing Zander had been.
And Luca… God, I wanted to hate him. I did. It would be so much easier for me if he was an asshole like his father, but he wasn’t. Or, if he was, he wasn’t to me; maybe he saved his asshole self for everyone else.
“I was surprised to see you here today,” Ezekiel said, breaking the silence of the church. We were alone in this long, wide space, and without other sounds to drown it out, his voice echoed in the church.
“I surprised myself by coming,” I whispered, heaving a sigh. Out of habit, I held an arm around my midsection. “I’d rather be here than at home though.”
“Why is that?”
Honestly, I was surprised he wasn’t asking about Damian, for I knew he’d seen the man. I also knew I shouldn’t say anything to him. I didn’t know much about him besides that he was the Black Hand’s priest… and that he’d killed two of Atlas’s men for me. We shared a little heart-to-heart in the hospital, and ever since my walls had been weakening, not only to him but also to the others.
Or maybe I could credit that to getting shot. I didn’t want to die before taking charge of my life.
Since I’d already told Cade, I didn’t see what the harm would be in telling Ezekiel. “My father might marry me off to Luca Moretti. It’s not official yet, but he said he’s in talks about it with Luca’s father.” I stared at my lap, at my gloved hands. White leather gloves sat on my fingers, matching the jacket I wore.
“And you don’t want to?”
I nodded. “Not only that, marrying me off right now would affect his bid for the position on the Hand, so I don’t know how… I just don’t understand what he’s thinking.” Ezekiel might not be Father Charlie, but I was trying my hardest to act like it. I missed having someone I could talk to about anything.
Now, I couldn’t trust Ezekiel, but I couldn’t trust anyone in Cypress, so that wasn’t saying much.
“Why don’t you ask him?” It was the same line of questioning Father Charlie would’ve used, except it hit differently because, you know, it was Ezekiel, and he currently stared at me like he could peer into my soul and see all of my deepest, darkest secrets.
It still freaked me out that Ezekiel was so young. Late twenties, early thirties. Somewhere around there. He was young, handsome, and with the things he’d told me before, he was a man who took no shit. Just because he was a priest didn’t mean he was afraid to take care of business in a violent way.
A killer. He was a killer, just like me.
“My father’s not… he’s not the kind of man who tells anyone what he’s planning. Me last of all.” I heaved a sigh, my shoulders slumping a bit. “I feel like he hates me.” As I said that, Ezekiel’s eyebrows came together, and it looked as if he was going to ask me why I thought that, so I added, “He’s always acted like I’m a burden to him. Sure, he’s drilled it in me time and time again that family matters above all else, but when he says that, he really just means that I have to shut up and do whatever he tells me to.”
“He acts like you’re subordinate to him?”
“Yes. I’m less because I’m a girl. Or maybe he blames me for my mother being dead. I don’t know. I stopped trying to explain it years ago.” I quieted, thinking of that night, the night that had changed everything for me.
“A father should always love his child, no matter what.”
I chuckled. “My father never got that memo. I don’t know if that man is capable of love.”
Ezekiel frowned, the expression tugging at his handsome face. His blue eyes studied me, taking in the way I sat, traveling over my face, my cheeks, my mouth. “I’m sorry you’ve never known that kind of love before, Giselle.” He said my name where Father Charlie would’ve called me my child, and the mere fact that he said my name made goosebumps rise on my arms. It was a good thing I had a jacket on, otherwise he would’ve seen how he affected me.
I could only hope it wasn’t written across my face, too.
Swallowing, I muttered, “Up until now, I always did whatever my father told me to. I was a good daughter. Constantly trying to earn his approval, his love… and it led me nowhere. I’m done. This is my life, and I want to live it how I want to, not how he wants me to.” A pause before I said, “I don’t want to marry Luca.”
