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Chapter Eighteen
Power and Control
Wedressedinsilence, and Sam kept his eyes glued to my body. He licked his lips and sighed. I blushed under his gaze, even though he had seen every part of me.
“Where does Dean think you are?” he asked.
“Exactly where I am. In the lower decks.”
“I’ve heard he’s making his way through every woman on the ship. And you haven’t been with him?” Sam stepped back and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Is that true?”
I buttoned my pants and flipped him off. Immature, yes, but a fair representation of how I felt. “Who’s the liar, Sam? Who, exactly, lied? This isn’t a rhetorical question. I want you to answer me. I need you to admit it and then ask me again if I lied so you would keep fucking me like some desperate whore.”
He dropped his arms and huffed out a breath. “I love your fire, Row. I lied to you. A lie by omission, but still a lie. A lie because I was desperate to start over with you… but… still a lie. Please forgive me.”
His arms curved around my body and pulled me to his chest. “I’ve been dying of jealousy. It’s been unbearable, imagining you in his bed every night. It killed me to accept it, and to hear it never happened… I’m just surprised after our last argument when you told me you would have to give into him.”
Sam’s scent intoxicated my senses. I folded into his embrace and breathed him in. I had learned that lingering on disagreements didn’t do any good. We forgave each other every time, but he wasn’t off the hook that easily.
“He hasn’t… forced. He’s made his intentions known, but he hasn’t pushed it. He claims you are partaking in the same brothel he is. He acts like you moved on with every available woman too.”
“Rowan,” he seethed. “You cannot believe that.” He stiffened, fury pouring out with every word. “That piece of shit would say anything to get his way.”
“I didn’t believe him.”
Sam took a step back from me, growling under his breath. “Good, because it’s not true.”
“I know that. Lori said you were still only interested in, you know, us, I guess.”
“Lori told you I was still in love with you and only you. Do you know how many times I tried to get to you? Do you know I have twenty stitches from fighting one of Dean’s men to enter your floor? When I got there, you weren’t even in the cabin.”
I put my hand to his lips to stop him. “I know you wanted to see me, and I know Dean made it impossible, but I’m here now. Understand that I was hurting. I’m still hurting.”
Sam’s eyes pleaded with mine. His hands moved to my jaw, tracing his thumbs on my lips. “I died in that ditch. When I closed my eyes, I was ready to let go. But meeting you, being cared for by you, it woke me back up. I don’t know how else to describe it. I never wanted life more. I want our life together. Our family and you, that’s the only thing that keeps me going. I can’t breathe without you.”
His words were exactly what I needed to hear. It’s how I had hoped he felt, like this place had given us another chance at more than just survival. It gave us life.
“It felt like a fucking heart attack every day without you, but I kept going out of some pathetic hope I’d have you again,” he continued, each word more desperate than the last. “There is no one else. If you’re gone, I’m done. Do you understand? You and BeLew are the reason I have the will to keep going on this piece of shit ship. I went about this all wrong. I should have trusted you more, but I wanted to forget, forget all of it before. Do you know what that’s like?”
I kissed him, and every terrible memory disappeared for a moment. All my thoughts were of him and how stupid I had been. It was obvious he had a past he regretted, and I had been unfair because I was scared - terrified even. The more you cared about someone, the more you had to lose.
I hated the past as much as he did. The future that pushed itself into my dreams scared me just as much. I wanted right now, this moment, with him.
It was impossible to pull away from his lips, but the clock was ticking. Our time together was finite.
I touched his cheek, letting his face rest on my palm. “Dean knows where I am, but that doesn’t mean I have all night. I need to know your story, all of it, and I’ll tell you mine — everything.”
Sam kissed the top of my forehead and stroked my hair. “You’re so beautiful.”
“You’re stalling. Start with the branding on your back.”
Sam’s jaw tightened, and he sucked in a breath. Fighting the urge to smack him again, I stood motionless, waiting for him to concede.
“Okay, well, the boys aren’t around, so now is good.” He relaxed his grip around me and lowered us to the floor. We sat with our legs outstretched, backs against the cold metal wall. We held hands, staring into the dim empty room.
“You know I was married before. Her name was Cecilia. We sort of separated, and she died, or it happened the other way around.” He ran his hand through his hair, pulling at the ends in frustration. “I can’t really be sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
“I’m here, I’m listening,” I whispered into his ear. I rubbed my thumb along the back of his hand and kissed his cheek.
