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“You were working in your garden,” I reminded him.
“And you were working in the office. But this didn’t happen because we didn’t love her enough or care enough. She’s had a few small strokes over the past few months. But Lilly didn’t want to tell you. She didn’t want you to worry,” he said.
And I was so fucking distracted with finding my birth parents that I never noticed she wasn’t doing well.I was their only child. It was my job to care for them as they grew older. My father might not hold me responsible, but they didn’t know what I’d been keeping from them. Or maybe she did, and that’s what had been stressing her out. I felt sick to my stomach.
Maybe I’m an asshole just like James Henderson.
“Dad, go and sit with Mom. We can talk about this later,” I said.
He nodded and went with the nurse, leaving me alone in the waiting room. My mind replayed the conversation with my mom, over and over again. Her tone when she told me she loved me had been so soft, so tender. Did she know that was the last time we’d ever speak? Was it possible that she knew what was happening?
I turned around, clenched a fist, and slammed it into the vending machine. Shards of glass flew everywhere, the sharp edges coated in my blood. The sound brought unwanted attention to me from someone passing by. I had two choices, leave or go find security and tell them what I’d done. With my hand bleeding, it wouldn’t be hard for them to figure out who broke that glass.
It’d been years since I lost my temper, and back then Mom had lectured me on the importance of self-control.What I’d give to hear her lecture me now.
A few hours later as I laid in bed, my hand bandaged, I sent Rhonda a quick text letting her know that I couldn’t return this weekend, but I’d be in touch to reschedule. Then I searched for Annabella’s number and was about to do the same. Somehow a text didn’t feel right. I dialed her number instead, and she picked up on the first ring.
“Hi Colton, how was your flight home?” she asked brightly.
“It was fine. Listen, I’m calling to let you know that I need to cancel our date Saturday. Something has come up and I won’t be in Boston,” I said.
“Oh, okay. Well…thanks for calling to let me know,” she replied.
I don’t know why I felt the need to explain, but I did. “It’s not that I don’t want to see you again, but something has come up.”
“I know. You said that already,” she said.
“So I did. I guess…I’m not thinking clearly. My…mom passed away today,” I said. I hadn’t even called Jack and told him yet, and here I was telling Annabella.
“Oh, my God. I’m so very sorry. Is there anything I can do?” she offered.
“No. I just didn’t want you to think I was blowing you off.”
“Colton, don’t worry about it. Just please, call me if you need me. I know there isn’t much I can do from Massachusetts, but I am a very good listener,” she said.
“Thanks, Annabella, but I’m not really in the mood to talk.”
“If you change your mind, I’m here.”
“Thank you. Have a good night,” I said.
“Try to get some rest, Colton,” she said, and ended the call.
Those words were like a knife in my gut. That’s what I had told Mom, ‘get some rest’. I walked into the kitchen, opened the cupboard, and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. I didn’t even bother to grab a glass. If I was going to get any sleep tonight, it would be because I passed out.
As the alcohol took effect, I closed my eyes. The room spun and all I could hear was Annabella’s voice. ‘Call me anytime, for anything you need’.
What I needed right now was to escape from reality.If you lived closer, I’d lose myself in you, and forget all about today.
The truth was nothing was going to help me deal with the loss of the woman who I’d called Mom my entire life. She gave everything to me, and I don’t even know if she knew how much her loving me enough to call me son, meant to me.
I fought back the tears that I had blown off dinner with her Sunday to go and learn about the woman who gave me away.
I’m sorry Mom. I should’ve been here last weekend instead of chasing a past that doesn’t mean a damn thing.
