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I was feeling fired up already, ready to go out and claim my man.
“But guys always say ‘bros before hoes,’” April said. “‘Bros before daughters’ is like the same thing on steroids.”
Farrah waved a dismissive hand. “He kissed her already, did he not? Guys love to talk a big game about the ‘bro code,’ but we all know that’s posturing macho bullshit. The reality is, if a guy wants you, he’ll move heaven and earth to get you.”
“Then why did he say we need to pretend the kiss never happened?” I asked.
“Because he’s tryingto feel like he did the right thing. Like, ‘Sorry, best friend, I swear I tried to stay away from her!’”
April steepled her fingers; even she was beginning to look persuaded. “Hm. I can see that, actually. In his mind, if Izzy was scared off that easily, then yeah, they’d have no business messing around.”
“But if Iz makes the next move, however …” Farrah left the rest unsaid and shot me a mischievous look.
“I’m sold,” I said, nodding my head with conviction. “Now, um, what do I do?”
Farrah said, “You should text him, ‘Baby, your name must be Rust. Because I can’t wait to get you off.’”
April groaned. “Ugh! You were doingsogood before that, too.”
“At least that one was better,” I said.
Farrah snapped her fingers and spat out another corny line. “How about this one? ‘Baby, if your name is Rust, then I must be a car in New England, because I can’t wait for you to eat me up.’”
“Uuuugh! Horrendous,” April groaned again.
I laughed. “C’mon, guys! I need some serious recommendations.”
“Okay, why don’t you send him one of your naughties?” Farrah asked.
(A “naughty” was our word for a nude or risque selfie. To use it in a sentence:“I got drunk and sent a naughty to that cute guy from class.”)
“I justsaid, serious recommendations only.”
“Iambeing serious!” Farrah said. “It’s simple and it cuts straight to the point. Here I am, baby. Take it or leave it. He’ll be wrapped around your finger in no time.”
“Yeah, right.” I chuckled. “There’s no way I’d send Rust a naughty out of the blue. He’d think I was nuts. Plus, what if he turned out to be like the rest of my psycho fans, and texted me back something like,‘Ugh, what are you doing! Take off your bra and show me your tits, you dumb bitch!’”
“Then you’d know to drop his ass immediately,” Farrah said.
I turned to April. “April? Any ideas?”
“You know my stance. I think you should just wait and see what happens.”
Farrah cupped her hands around her mouth and sang, “Boooring.”
“Or you can take Farrah’s ‘exciting’ advice and see how far that gets you,” April teased. “Send Rust a naughty and text him something like, ‘Baby, if you’re Rust, then I must be a can of WD-40, because I’m going to squirt all over you.’”
Stunned, Farrah and I howled with laughter.
“WHAT?!”
“EW! APRIL!”
“And you saidminewere bad?” Farrah guffawed. “What the hell wasthat?!”
“No! That was my imitation ofyou!” April protested.
“Uh-huh.Sureit was. I’m telling you, it’s always the good girls. They’re always the biggest freaks.”
