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“I know. I’m not proud of it. I wasn’t devoted to her like a man should be devoted to his wife. See, that’s the downside of being so focused on hockey.”
“What, that you can’t keep your dick in your pants?”
I shook my head. “No, no. That’s not how it started. We were having problems before the infidelity started.”
“Like what?”
“She wanted kids more than anything. I didn’t feel ready. I’d look around the locker room, and all the older guys with kids at home were always grumbling about how tired they were, and how they never had time to themselves, you know? Because the baby kept them up late at night, or they were running around with the older ones all day—that kind of thing. It gave me pause. I wanted to reach certain career goals first, because I thought it’d be impossible to reach those goals if we were raising kids.”
She laughed. “Funny, you never really think about pro athletes having family lives. But yeah, that makes sense.”
“She was willing to wait at first. But then I’d meet my goal—only for a bigger, harder to reach goal to take its place. My goals came and went, but I never felt ready, so I kept asking her to wait longer. She started to get frustrated. She told me I was wasting her best years and she was starting to worry I’dneverbe ready until it was too late. I didn’t know what to say. The years went by, and things between us gradually got worse and worse. The only time she wanted sex was when she was ovulating. The resentment grew between us. We stopped having sex entirely. And that’s when,” I admitted with a shameful sigh, “I started messing around with women on the road.”
“Ru~st,” she whined, disappointed in me. “It was more than one?”
I bobbed my head. “There were a few. I know, I’m a shitbag. I neverwantedto cheat. But it’d just been so long. And then, one night on the road, I’m drunk at a bar with the boys, and this puck bunny starts throwing herself at me—” I trailed off and hung my head. “It felt so good to be desired again. And that’s how it happened.”
“Cheating isalwayswrong,” she said, “but I can see how it happened in your case—you weren’t meeting each other’s needs and communication broke down. Throw in the kind of attention a pro athlete gets with a little alcohol, and I’m not surprised you strayed.”
“But I shouldn’t have cheated.”
“You’re right. You shouldn’t have. You should’ve talked to her first. You could’ve gone to couples counseling and saved your marriage.”
I cracked a grin. “You’re wise beyond your years, you know that?”
“I’m serious, Rust.”
“So am I. Hell, you’re smarter than I was when I was thirty. I just didn’t have the tools back then to know what to do. It sounds crazy, but I was so blind, so focused on hockey, I didn’t even realize wewerehaving problems. I just thought she stopped liking sex all of a sudden. And the way I coped with it was to get it from women outside the marriage. Stupid, selfish—I know. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on it. I know I was in the wrong.”
“Did Laura know you were cheating on her?”
“No, she never found out. Turns out, she was too busy trying to keep her own affair secret. She’d fallen in love with a coworker. While I was out on the road, she was getting closer with this guy. I found out because someone else caught them together and told me about it. At first, I was willing to forgive her—”
“You would’ve taken her back?” Isabelle asked, wide-eyed.
“Yeah, I would’ve. See, when I cheated, it was ‘just sex,’ so I figured it’d be the same for her. But it didn’t go the way I thought it would when I confronted her with the evidence I had. She almost seemed relieved that I knew—she told me they’d been seeing each other for a year, that she was in love with him, and she’d been planning to leave me for him so they could be together. I was crushed. Yeah, I’d made mistakes, but I still loved her. But she didn’t love me anymore. She’d fallen for another man. And just like that, we were over. A few months after we got divorced, she got pregnant with his baby. They’re still together today. They’ve got five kids together.” I paused. “Looking back, I can’t even be mad. She got what she wanted. He gave her what I wouldn’t.”
“Thank you for telling me all that. I can tell it’s not easy to talk about.” Isabelle gave me a hug, and we squeezed each other tight a few sweet moments. “Can I ask you something? Why haven’t you been with anyone since the divorce? I mean, if you were sleeping with other women, why would that stop once you get divorced?”
“I dunno. It’s complicated.” I paused, digging deeper for the truth. “I guess I was punishing myself because I felt guilty for cheating on Laura.” I dug deeper still. “I always thought you only have one shot at love. After the divorce, I figured I’d blown my chance.” I looked her in the eyes. “That’s how I felt until I met you, anyway. Now I’m all confused.”
“Confused? Why?”
“I like you. You’re so cute and funny and smart and talented. I feel things for you I haven’t felt for anyone, ever.” I paused, conflicted. “But you’re so young. And you’re my best friend’s daughter. And I’ve got baggage. Hell, you’d be better off with someone like Cale, who doesn’t have all the baggage I have.”
“Everyone has baggage,” she said. “And I don’t believe you only get one shot at love, by the way. You get as many shots as you’re willing to take. The important thing is that you learnfrom the mistakes you make, so you can grow and become a better person—someone who can give and receive love.”
I grinned. “See what I mean? How did you become this wise at nineteen?”
“I dunno, maybe I’m an old soul?” she asked playfully. “Rust, the important thing is, you’vegotto trust me. And you have to talk to me, too. Don’t bottle things up, because that’s when things go bad.”
“Well. As long as we’re not bottling things up.” I made a fist and smashed it against my leg. “Can I just say how much I’m kicking myself right now for setting you two up?”
“Who, me and Cale? That’s not even a real date! It’s a favor. One I don’t even want to do, by the way.”
“I know. And I know I’m acting ridiculous, too,” I said. “I’m just being honest with you, so I can try to learn how to trust again.”
She smiled with understanding. “In that case, thank you for telling me. I understand your worries. But you havenothingto worry about. You areallI want.”
