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He stared at her in silence, feeling emotions he hardly recognised. ‘That’s not what... I didn’t mean for that to happen... What are you doing?’
She had turned away and was picking up things: a book, some pyjamas.
‘I’m going to pack.’
‘No.’ He crossed the room in two strides. ‘You can’t do that.’
‘Oh, yes, I can.’
Her mouth was trembling, but he could see in her eyes that she was serious.
‘I mean, what are you going to do? Fire me? Give me a bad reference? I know you haven’t quite got your head around this, Achileas, but I’m not your employee.’
‘I know that,’ he said again. ‘But we have a deal.’
Her eyes found his, and if her anger had shocked him her pain felt like an actual blow.
‘You know what? I’ve been poor all my life, but some things are more important than money.’
He blocked her path. ‘Please, don’t go. I don’t want you to go.’
‘And this is all about what you want—’
‘That’s not what I meant. You’re putting words into my mouth.’
She stared up at him. ‘In that case your next line is, I’ll leave you to pack.’
He frowned. ‘Effie, please... I don’t know how to—’ There was a note he didn’t recognise in his voice. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said, and for hurting you.’
‘You probably always are.’
Her voice had changed too. The anger had faded, and in its place was a bruise that made him forget his own feelings.
‘But this isn’t just about you. It’s about me.’ She shook her head. ‘And I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t lie to myself as well as everyone else. I’ll wear any dress, I’ll put my hair up or down, but I can’t, and I won’t behave in a way that I know is wrong and pretend that it’s okay. I promised myself I would never do that...that I would never be like him—’
He didn’t understand what she was talking about, but he understood the pain in her eyes.
‘Be like who?’ With shock, he realised that he wanted to know. He wanted to know who had hurt her.
And then he wanted to hurt them.
‘It doesn’t matter.’ She wrapped her arms around her stomach as if it ached.
‘It does to me. I know you probably don’t believe me, and I understand why you would feel like that, but if you could just give me a chance.’ He took a breath. ‘Please, Effie...’
Silence.
He made himself wait, although he couldn’t remember ever doing so before—for anyone. To wait was to be powerless. But he would wait an eternity if that was what it took to make that terrible rigidity melt from her body.
The silence lengthened, and then, in a voice so low he could hardly hear it, she said, ‘My father, Bill.’
Her father.
He felt his chest tighten. He had been so wrapped up in battling his own paternal demons he had never imagined she would have any of her own.
‘Why don’t you want to be like him?’
‘He’s a gambler.’ Her mouth twisted as if she might smile, but she didn’t smile. ‘It sounds reckless and exciting, doesn’t it? Like being a highwayman or a pirate. But it’s not like that when you’re living with one. It’s terrifying. Every morning you wake up knowing that anything can happen. One day he spent a month’s wages in a couple of minutes.’
