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He was only one man. The one who had lost himself in her. The man who was surrounded by Annick. The man that Annick said she loved. And for a blistering, blinding moment there was nothing else. Nothing but his release and hers blending together. Into one seamless moment. A perfect feeling.
“Annick,” he growled.
And when it was over, he reversed their positions, brought her on top of him and tried to find his breath. Somewhere in all of that, her words had shifted to a white light. And he could not hear them again, could not see them. He could only feel them. He was in a daze. Like nothing he’d ever experienced before.
“I love you,” she said again.
And that time, he moved away from her. His heart turned to stone. For it was something he could not bear and he had no choice. He had to harden himself against it.
“No,” he said.
“Why not?”
“It can’t be like that between us. How can you say that? After what I’ve done to you.” He reached out and grabbed hold of the bonds on her wrists, removing them.
“How can I say that after you have made me come more times than I can even count? What does this mean? This insanity coming from you?”
“There’s more to life than orgasm, Annick, and you should realize that I’ve used you pretty appallingly.”
“In all the ways I have asked,” she said, sounding almost triumphant. “I am not foolish, Maximus. And I am not weak. I like these games. Because in them I’m a prisoner, but I am strong. Do you not see how that is powerful? And in these games, you are a monster, but you are a man. You bite me. You push me. But it only gives me pleasure, not pain. Do you not see the freedom we find here in this?”
“Sex games are not real.”
“Games? It is not games. And it is not different from talking. From being. It is the same. We are what we do here in this bed. It is part of us. And it cannot be separate. We were playing stupid games to pretend that it could be. Me, and all of my talk of desires. About how I would be with many men. I could not. For I am playing a game inside where I pretend that any man could arouse such passions. But I know they could not. It is you. It is you, and the strength that you have brought to me. These changes that you have given me. It is who you are.”
Her words hit him hard, with the force of a bullet. How could she speak with such certainty about him when he felt no such certainty about himself?
“Who am I? Do you know the answer to that?”
“It is simple. You are charming. And good. And bad. Very bad. A killer, you are right. Though for good reasons. I am not ignoring pieces of you to construct love. I know it is there. Just as I know your heart is there, whatever you might think.”
“You really don’t know any of that for a fact. You don’t actually know what you’re talking about.”
“Am I stupid?”
“You know I don’t think you are.”
“Then why act like I’m stupid when it is you who are scared?”
“I’m a killer, Annick, and I don’t regret it. That’s who I am. I was a different man once. I loved someone once. And I won’t do it again.”
“Lies. You love. And you believe in good. You want to say that you don’t. You want to believe that you don’t, because it is scary to you. I scare you. You don’t scare me, Maximus King, and you need to. Because you need to scare me away. But I won’t be. Because I’m not weak. Because I know what it is when men love only power, and that is not you.”
“But I love my anger,” he said. “And I love that I have had the freedom to let it run free.”
“Fine. But you did not do bad things with it. You did good for the world. Yes, these are unsavory things, but there is war in this world, is there not? You cannot make yourself out to be a villain any more than a general might be. You do more than simply follow orders—you are willing to do what must be done. No, I will not let you recast yourself as a villain simply because it keeps you safe. Simply because you fear what it might mean to let yourself feel.”
“I told you, I’m a monster.”
“Yes, and I believe you. But I love this monster. All the pain that you have been through. All the things that have broken you. The things that have left you sharp and jagged and difficult. For I am no different. Broken and sad in some ways, but filled with hope. And I want, more than anything, to live.” She looked at him, her eyes filled with sadness. “You have spent years killing for a woman. Will you not live for one?”
“I can only live a half life. And you deserve more than that.”
“You go back on our bargain? Now that you have had your way? Now you have married me?”
He looked her in the eyes. “I vowed to stay with you. I vowed to protect you, and I won’t break those vows.”
“No. Just bind us both in a life where you refuse to love me but accept my love for yourself.”
