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She ground her teeth together.
Really, Livia. You anticipated his proposal, but did not consider that he would chase you down?
Well, when she looked at it from the point of view of his arrogance, then perhaps she could see it. But truthfully, deep in her soul she had thought that his proposal would be born out of a sense of convenience, and chasing her down to Paris was not convenient. Not in the least.
Yet here he was, and here they were. And they were dancing. And his hands were warm and large, his arms were strong, and she wanted nothing more than to melt into him. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to just lose herself completely this way?
Why did she have to think so much? Couldn’t she just not think for a moment?
She thought all the time.
Remembered what she knew of Matteo’s life, reminded herself not to fall too deeply under his spell, considered the optics of every interaction she had with members of state, and of the palace, and then Matteo’s optics as well. Thinking had been what brought her here. Thinking had been the thing that had saved her.
And she had to credit it was quite a lot, all things considered.
But for a moment couldn’t she just feel? Couldn’t she just... Couldn’t she simply be a woman in the arms of a man that she desired? Why shouldn’t she have that? And really, when all was said and done, why shouldn’t she have a little bit of...
Couldn’t she have a little something for herself? Maybe she needed to leave him. She knew that she did. She knew that she needed to make a new life for herself. Maybe it would be at this apartment in Paris, or maybe she would move on.
Maybe she would go to Spain, or Italy.
Maybe she would go to the United States.
She loved America.
She loved California, and the endless coastline there. She loved New York, and the skyscrapers that seemed to build a glass-and-steel box all around you with just the barest window into the sky when you stood in the midst of Manhattan.
He had taken her to Wyoming once, to a ranch, to discuss some business deal or another, and she had been absolutely enraptured by the endless sky.
The world was opened to her.
She could not forget that to an extent it was open to her because of Matteo.
But it was also limited because of it. Because her feelings for him kept her in thrall.
You just thought it yourself. Your mind got you to all these places. All the things you did.
It was true. She had done a great deal of her own rescuing. She had needed to take his hand, and she had, but everything else she had fought for all on her own.
From the moment her mother had left her at that carnival she had been fighting for herself.
So why shouldn’t she take the reward that she wanted?
Not his crown.
His body.
And so she let all of her thoughts fall away. Like the petals on a rose, wilting as time passed, inevitable, sad, but the way it must be. Shift, fall, as time marched on. The shape of all that beauty changing, passing away.
And yet at the center of it there was the truth: her feelings, her desire.
She wasn’t a girl anymore, that much was true. Wasn’t a starry-eyed girl who would believe that the King might find it in himself to love, just for her.
A woman who wasn’t even suitable to be his Queen.
And this was not about suitability, but about Matteo’s own need for convenience. She knew that. Violet King had been about suitability.
Neither one was particularly romantic, but at least Violet wouldn’t have cared.
