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Chapter Twenty-Nine
Hollyn escaped into the WorkAround bathroom and leaned against the bathroom sink, trying to wrangle her emotions and not lose her shit. She’d already been rocked by seeing Jasper with his ex. Hisstunningex. That woman wasn’t just pretty. She was the kind of gorgeous that would make anyone of any gender or orientation turn their head. Polished and poised and tailored.
Hollyn had felt every bit of her own awkwardness facing the woman. And then Jasper had introduced Hollyn as the guest, the writer, basically “just some chick you don’t have to worry about.”
She might’ve been able to deal with all that if she hadn’t heard what Kenzie had said when Hollyn had stepped back into the rehearsal room. She hadn’t heard Jasper’s response, but she’d heard Kenzie’s question.“What’s wrong with her?”
Mortification worked its way through Hollyn all over again, making her eyes fill with tears.Dammit.It shouldn’t matter what some random woman thought of her. So what if that woman was Jasper’s ex? So what if she was going to be some famous actress one day? But after days of trying to talk herself up about the upcoming show, Hollyn didn’t need to hear the knee-jerk reaction of a stranger seeing her tics. Was that what everyone was going to think when she got onstage Saturday night?
What’s wrong with her?
She stared at her reflection in the mirror, her eye makeup starting to smear and her cheek tic jumping.What’s wrong with her?She hated that she couldn’t make her muscles cooperate. That she couldn’t smile serenely and pretend like everything was okay. Everyone else got to wear a mask out in the world. Hers constantly slipped and told her secrets.Looks who’s nervous. Look who’s insecure. Look who’s got something wrong with her.
Tears slipped down her cheek and she gripped the edge of the sink, trying to will herself to calm down.
The doorway to the bathroom swung open, and Hollyn straightened, quickly swiping at her face. Monique caught sight of her, though, and frowned. “Hey, honey. You okay?”
Hollyn nodded a little too vehemently. “I’m fine.”
Monique cocked her head. “Sure you are.” She walked over and put an arm around Hollyn’s shoulders to give her a squeeze. “What’s going on? Have we thrown too much at you tonight?”
Hollyn choked, a little sob escaping. She’d noticed the whole Hail Yes group was very easy with physical affection with each other. The side hug made her feel even worse because it was like Monique was signaling to her that she was part of their little comedy family now. And she was going to have to disappoint them. “I’m sorry. I don’t think I can do this.”
Monique didn’t let her go, and her tone was soothing when she spoke again. “Did something happen? You were doing great out there. You seemed like you were having fun.”
“I was,” she said, “but I don’t think I can handle strangers looking at me, wondering what’s wrong with me.”
“What’s wrong with you?” Monique said, frowning at her in the mirror. “Hollyn honey, nothing is wrong with you. We are all God’s children. Beautiful and wonderful in our own individual ways. And if anyone judges us for the things about ourselves we can’t control, then fuck them and the horse they rode in on.”
Hollyn choke-laughed. “That’s quite a colorful sermon.”
Monique grinned as she pulled a paper towel from the dispenser and handed it to her. “Now you know why my church doesn’t invite me to speak.”
Hollyn took the paper towel and dabbed at her eyes. “I don’t know. I feel like the minute I get some confidence, the world reminds me to take a seat.”
Monique released her from the side hug and turned toward her with an empathetic expression. “Honey, that’s okay. The first few months I did improv, I literally felt so sick with nerves that I threw up before every show.”
Hollyn’s lips parted. She could never imagine the bold Monique the Mouth being scared of anything.
“You’re not a freak for being anxious about getting onstage. It’s a one hundred percent normal reaction to being vulnerable to others. That’s why, in those improv classes we’ve been teaching, so many people either don’t come at all or they sit in the back.” She smiled. “But the thrill comes from walking with that fear and doing it despite all those emotions. When you do that, you walk off feeling like you can conquer the goddamned world because you realize, especially in comedy, that you’ve taken away the power of others to shame or embarrass you. You’re already making fun of yourself. What have you left them with? You’ve taken all their ammunition away and tucked it in your own pocket.” She spread her hands out to her sides. “People want to make fun of my size. I’ve already beat them to it. They want to call me a loud mouth. I’ve already claimed that nickname as my own. They’ve got nothing. They don’t get a vote on how I feel about myself.”
Hollyn smiled, the woman’s warmth like a balm to the sharp edges inside her. “I want to be like you when I grow up.”
Monique put her hands on Hollyn’s shoulders. “Then start by doing this show. You’re going to do great. And we’ll all be backing you up. Not to mention, Jasper will be right there. And that boy is goo-goo eyes over you, girl, so he’ll do anything you need onstage. He’d probably strip naked and do jumping jacks just to take attention off of you if he felt you were panicking.”
Hollyn laughed. “I have a feeling Jasper just likes to strip onstage.”
Monique snorted and lowered her arms to her side. “Ain’t that the truth.”
Hollyn tipped her head back and pressed her fingertips to the corners of her eyes, trying to center herself. “Okay.”
“Yeah?” Monique asked, her excitement clear in her voice. “My pep talk worked?”
Hollyn gave her an exaggerated thumbs-up. “You are excellent at pep talking.”
“Damn straight.” Monique winked. “And now I better pee before we get a comedy show no one signed up for.”
Monique hurried off to a stall, and Hollyn got herself cleaned up so she could go back out to the group. To find Jasper. And to figure out why the hell Kenzie was back in town. But when she went in search of him, Barry let her know that he’d already left and had said to tell her he’d stop by her place later.
