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Anxiety tried to join the party. She could feel her tics pulling at her face, but she did her best to ignore them. “I know it’s going to make me sound like a freak, but I’ve never really had the chance to just…”Grimace. Scrunch. Blink, blink.“Take my time and explore a guy. I want to find out what makes you feel good.”
“Ah,” Jasper said with a knowing voice. “I see what’s happening here.”
She frowned and touched her twitching cheek. “What?”
“I’m clearly still asleep and am having an erotic dream. Because there’s no way a sexy, panty-clad Hollyn just asked me to lie back so she can find out how to make me feel good.”
His joke was just what she needed to release the tension that had gathered in her body and turn her uncontrollable grimace into a very purposeful smile. “So that’s a yes?”
He reached out and cupped her breast through her T-shirt, dragging his thumb across the tip and sending a spike of arousal straight down. “That’s a huge yes. I literally could think of no better way to spend a morning—except maybe being afforded the same right to play Magellan with you.”
She shifted, her panties damp and her body growing more sensitive. “That could probably be arranged. So you don’t think I’m weird?”
“First, you say weird like it’s a bad thing. I make my living on weird. But no. This is the best kind of learning I could think of. Let’s have a lesson in this every day.” He sent her an unrepentant grin. “How to Make Jasper Hot and Bothered 101 followed immediately by How to Make Hollyn Come 201. And 301. And if we mix in some breakfast and hydrate, perhaps 401.”
She rolled her eyes, but a giddy lightness filled her.
“Seriously, though,” he said, his eyes meeting hers and his finger winding a tendril of her hair. “I know we’re doing this partly because you want to get comfortable with some things, so don’t get so stressed out to ask me stuff.” He smoothed a finger down her twitching cheek. “Ask for what you want. Always. Not just with me. If, in the future, a guy ever thinks you’re weird or throws shade at you for doing that, then you drop his ass on the hot pavement. Sex can be fun. It can be hot. It can be kinky or serious. It can be a lot of things. But what it should always be is a safe zone to explore what each person likes. If everyone is consenting and it’s legal, there really are no limits beyond that.” He brushed his fingertip over her lips. “Just be you. Becauseyouare pretty damn spectacular, Hollyn Darling. Any guy you invite into your bed should thank the benevolent universe that he has the privilege of being there and should answer any question you have and let you explore all you want.”
Something peaceful settled deep in Hollyn’s bones at his words. This was Jasper without the facade, without the layer of jokes and sarcasm. She was getting peeks of that guy more and more. Underneath that quick wit of his, he was a genuinely caring person who wanted to make others feel accepted and safe. Not once had he made her feel different or judged or odd. Not for her questions, not for asking for an unconventional relationship, not for her anxiety, and not for her uncooperative muscles. He’d never made her feel like he was hanging out with her despite her issues. With him, she sometimes forgot she evenhadthe tics. Because he didn’t stare. He didn’t make her feel self-conscious. He embraced exactly who she was.
No, not just embraced but seemed to genuinely enjoy being with her—both as a friend and a lover.
He treated her like she was…Hollyn. Not the chick with the tics. Not the woman with the panic attacks. Not the homeschooled freak from the small town. With him, she was label-less.
He sawher.
The realization was like a plunge in an icy lake—bracing and clear and bright.
“Hey, you okay?” Jasper asked.
Her expression must’ve changed, but she couldn’t find her words, so she just nodded.I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.But she was definitelynotfine. Her body had gone cold and then hot all over, and her chest had tightened as if her ribs had been cinched up with string. It was like a panic attack only…not. It was her inner voice screaming at her.Oh shit. Oh no. Don’t do this. You promised.But it was too damn late.
She had caught the plague she’d been determined to inoculate herself from.
She’d caughtfeelings. Motherfucking, knock-her-on-her-ass feelings. For a guy who had told her there was no chance for more.
She was so damn pathetic. She was supposed to be tougher than this by now.Don’t fall for the popular guy. Don’t fall for someone who isn’t a possibility. Don’t be that girl waiting under the tree for the kiss again.She was smarter than this. She blinked quickly, her eyes burning, and looked away.
“Hollyn?” Jasper asked, concern in his voice.
She took a deep inhale and tried to refocus her thoughts. Shewould notdo this right now. She could freak out about this later—alone, when Jasper wasn’t here. This morning wasn’t about feelings. He’d slept over because it was late, and they were hooking up. This was sex. This was supposed to be about sex.
That was what it had to be about.Neededto be about. Jasper wasn’t here to love her. He wasn’t going to be her boyfriend. She wasn’t going to introduce him to her mother. She needed to focus on what was real. What was good.
This didn’t have to be a tragedy. There was a gorgeous half-naked man offering himself to her. Someone who was great in bed and attracted to her. She needed to focus on that. On how delicious Jasper looked. On how skilled he was at touching her. Not on the feelings he stirred up.
“Tell me a fetish or fantasy you wouldn’t tell just anyone,” she blurted out, trying to reroute the conversation and her whirlwind thoughts.
Jasper sank back against the pillow and chuckled. “How long have you got?”
“Ha. Just one for now,” she said, folding down the covers and revealing his still-tented boxers. She zeroed in on the physical sensations that sight set off. That was the only kind of feelings she needed to be focused on right now. Her body’s response to him. All she wanted to think about was the way Jasper’s body was going to feel beneath her hands, the way it would feel to have him inside her again. The images that conjured chased the panic into a dark corner and got her back on track. She traced a line along his length through the cotton, fascinated by the way his cock flexed and jumped at her barely there touch.
His abdomen dipped like he was trying to find a breath. “Just one. Okay.”
“An embarrassing one,” she clarified, circling the head of his cock with her fingertip, a damp spot appearing on his shorts.
“So clearly torture is one of yours,” he joked. “Okay, embarrassing, some fetish or fantasy I wouldn’t tell anyone else. Let’s see…” He made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat.
