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“Oh shit,” Eliza said with a laugh. “So he’s hot.”
“So hot.So not my type.” Andi sighed. “And I can’t tell if what I felt when I woke up this morning and saw him sitting next to me was a result of him making me feel safe last night or if it was something else. I was like…happy to see him there. What the hell is that?” She groaned. “Ugh, I can’t get a crush on a guy just because I think he’d be a good bodyguard. That’s so fucked up.”
Eliza considered her, expression neutral. “Is that such a bad quality to want in a partner? Someone who makes you feel safe?”
“It sounds like my trauma stuff getting twisted up and masquerading as attraction. And I’m not looking to hook up with someone. You know what will happen if I try anything.”
Eliza gave her an innocent look. “I do not know what will happen.”
“Come on. Don’t give me that.”
“No, I’m serious. You haven’t tried anything physical with anyone in what, three years? Just because it didn’t go well the last time doesn’t mean that’s how it will always go. Hill is a new person. You’re a different you than you were three years ago. Maybe the fact that he isn’t your normal type is a sign of progress. Your brain is willing to consider someone who physically could be a threat. Normally, you would’ve dismissed someone like that out of hand.”
Andi frowned, a new thought coming to her. “Oh hell, do you think I’m feeling this way because he’s got a disability? Like that’s some insurance policy? Because that is majorly fucked up and my subconscious needs to be put in time-out if that’s the case.”
Eliza gave her a ghost of a smile. “Do you think this guy is weak or incapable of physically overpowering you?”
Andi pictured Hill, that wall of muscle, the way he handled everything last night, the way he’d been ready to charge next door to see what was going on. “He could take me down in a hot second.”
Eliza pointed at her. “There you go. It’s not about his disability. If anything, I suspect it’s the opposite.”
Andi turned fully toward Eliza. “The opposite.”
“Yeah. He’s everything you’ve forbidden yourself to indulge in. He embodies your biggest fears—he could overpower you, could probably throw you over his shoulder and save you from a burning building. But something about him is telling you that he’s not there to hurt you. So instead, you can imagine him channeling all that big, aggressive energy into really great sex. It’s the very thing you’ve forbidden yourself from having.”
The images those words conjured in her mind—big, aggressive sex—sent heat rushing to her face. “That doesn’t make sense. Why would I want the scariest kind of sex?”
“Because, think about it, it’s not actually the scariest type to you,” she said. “Your sexual encounters with Evan Longdale were gentle. He used those sociopathic powers of his to manipulate a young teenage girl by being sweet and loving. That was his weapon with you. The wolf in sheep’s clothing. So you’re not going to trust sweet and gentle because you know the level of violence that facade was hiding.”
Andi grimaced. Evanhadbeen sweet and gentle. He’d picked up on his little sister’s best friend’s neighborly crush and had done exactly what he needed to do to keep Andi from looking too hard, from saying anything she shouldn’t about all those times she’d watched him come in late, from telling his secrets when she’d seen things in his room she shouldn’t have. He violated her with false words and fake romance and gentle sex, saving his sadistic side for the people he stalked and murdered at the nearby college he attended. “That makes me sound so screwed up.”
“Absolutely not,” Eliza said, her tone sharp. “Don’t put that label on yourself. The range of what turns people on is vast. As long as there’s consent on all sides and it’s legal, who cares? There’s no rule that says gentle, sweet sex is the healthy kind. I have clients in the kink community. Some of the things they do would make most people’s eyes fall out their heads, but they’re perfectly wonderful, well-adjusted people.” She shrugged. “Maybe it’s time you let yourself feel what you feel and trust that. Your gut is more accurate than you give it credit for.”
“My gut had me give my virginity to a serial killer,” she launched back.
“You were a vulnerable teenager with a crush who trusted someone you thought was a friend. And you were still a child. You have to forgive that girl for that. You are not her anymore. Your bullshit detector is much more refined now.”
Andi sighed. Tired.
“If this guy gets you hot and bothered, let yourself feel hot and bothered,” Eliza said, making it sound so simple. “Enjoy that rush of attraction. If you want to try something with him and he’s into it, be honest with him. Tell him that you sometimes get anxiety and that you might need to take it slow or stop completely.”
Andi groaned and put her hands over her face. “I can’t even imagine that conversation. I don’t want to dump my past in his lap.” She dropped her hands and pasted on a smile. “Hi, I’m Andi. I think you’re really hot. By the way, if we get naked and I dissolve into a panic attack, don’t worry, it’s not you. It’s only because my last actual relationship was with a sociopath who murdered people for fun and used me to hide evidence. Wanna make out?”
Eliza gave her a sympathetic look. “You don’t have to tell him everything up front. If he’s not a complete idiot, he knows that lots of women have suffered traumas at the hands of men. Just tell him you’ve had a bad experience and need that assurance. If he’s not cool with that, then that’s all you need to know about him and can move on. And if it makes you feel safer, you can always call me to let me know:Hey girl, I’m with the sexy neighbor and this lucky bitch is about to have some filthy hot sex.You know, so he knows someone knows where you are and who you’re with.”
Andi snorted and threw a couch pillow at Eliza. The pillow hit the edge of her desk and flopped to the floor. “Pervert.”
“Sometimes,” she said with a laugh. “But really, don’t talk yourself out of being open to the possibility. Vibrator technology is great, but there’s nothing quite like being skin to skin with someone, naked and sweaty and frantic for each other. That shit is rejuvenating.”
Andi squeezed the back of her neck, trying to work out the tension there. “I don’t even think it’s a possibility. Even if he were interested, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m like an inexperienced teen trapped in a grown-up’s body.”
“Probably another reason why this guy appeals to you. He sounds like the type who would take more control in bed. And you know more than you think. You know what makes you feel good. If you can show him what you like, you’re all set. Making sure the guy has a good time is the easy part.”
Andi snorted. “Nothing about this is easy.”
Eliza’s expression turned empathetic. “I know, honey. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re a badass. And you’re fucking brilliant. I know that there’s no way to guarantee one hundred percent safety out in the world, but I truly believe that your gut is worthy of your trust. It will tell you if this guy is bad news. So maybe see if you can be friends with him. Feel him out. Then, if you’re still picturing him naked, make a move. See what happens.”
Andi couldn’t picture herself making a move, but she also didn’t see her attraction abating anytime soon either. “I will get the chance to get to know him better. He’s a horror virgin, so he’s agreed to watch some movies with me.”
