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Chapter Twenty-Five
“Hey,” Andi said to her friends when she and Hill walked back to the table. “We’ll be right back. We’re going to get a little fresh air.”
Eliza fanned herself and gave them a knowing grin. “Yeah, I can see why.”
Hill’s heartbeat was in his ears, panic digging its claws into him.You were worth the wait.
Before Hill realized what was happening, Andi had grabbed her purse and was leading them along the edge of the dance floor and out into the humid night air. The door clicked shut behind them, leaving them on a quiet street, a line of parked cars their only company. They walked a few more steps and around the side of the building to the parking lot, shielded from anyone who may go in or out of the venue.
Andi turned to him before he could get a word out. “You look like you saw a ghost. What happened in there?”
“Andi…” He didn’t want to do this.
Hadto do this.
“What?” she said, standing in front of him, searching his face. “Tell me. I can feel something’s going on with you.”
He stared at her, everything welling up to the surface, all the things he’d been trying to keep down punching through. He leaned back against the brick wall of the building, dipping his head and closing his eyes.
“Tell me,” she repeated softly, her hand going to his bicep.
Honesty. He’d promised her honesty. It was all he could give her right now.
He lifted his head. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Andi’s eyes widened and her lips parted, her bright-red lipstick making the expression even more dramatic. She blinked. “You’re…”
He let out a ragged breath. “I knew it the second I stepped out onstage tonight and saw you in the audience. I didn’t just feel happy to see you. I felt…” He searched for the right words. “Lit up inside. Like, ‘Oh, there she is. I’ve been waiting for her.’ I tried to shake it off. But just now…when we kissed…”
Andi stared at him in wonder, and her blue eyes turned shiny with tears. She grabbed his hands. “Hill…”
He shook his head before she could say anything. “But I can’t do this.”
A line appeared between her brows, her fingers cold against his. “Do what?”
“I meant what I said about being the practice guy,” he said, the words like knives in his throat. “How I feel about you doesn’t change that.”
“Of course it does,” she said, exasperation in her voice. “Hill, don’t be ridiculous. I already told you I wanted to date you, that I’ve developed feelings for you. And you think I didn’t feel something with that kiss? Knowing you’re feeling things back…” She squeezed his hands. “That’s… I want that. I want to be in a relationship with you.”
He swallowed past the pain in his throat. What she was offering him was like the ripest, brightest fruit on the tree, but he couldn’t grab it. He knew better. “Andi, I can’t. I can’t be the default guy or someone’s comfort-blanket choice again. What happened with Christina…” He released her hands. “It ripped me apart.”
Andi was shaking her head slowly, silently.
“She told me that she’d already been tempted to cheat before my accident. She’d already realized her mistake,” he said, the words echoing inside him with shame. “I was just the good-enough guy, nottheguy. She didn’t recognize that initially because she didn’t have enough experience to know what a true soul mate felt like.”
“I’m not her,” Andi whispered.
“No, you’re not,” he said. “But I also think you’ve been put in a position where you can easily mistake safety for feelings. I’m the safe guy.” His eyes burned. “I’m glad you feel safe with me, but I don’t want you to look up in a year or two and realize that what we have isn’t setting your heart on fire, that you should’ve dated around and determined what you’re looking for in a guy beyond ‘guy who won’t hurt me.’”
She blinked, quiet tears escaping down her cheeks. “You’re hurting me now. You’re telling me I don’t know my own heart, my own mind.”
His ribs cinched, a sick feeling moving through him. “Andi, you’ve never even had a slow dance with a guy. You don’t know what you don’t know yet.”
“Who the fuck cares if I’ve slow danced or not? And you’re right,” she said, frustration in her voice. “I can’t guarantee you that a relationship between us will work out. No one can promise that up front. But Icanguarantee you that if we don’t try, we’re promised a zero percent chance. The only way to protect yourself from a broken heart is to never let yourself love anyone. And wow, that sounds like a fun life.”
He looked down.
She sighed at his nonresponse. “Come on, this isn’t you. Your heart told you the truth in there on that dance floor. This—whatever this is—is your depression telling you lies.”
