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“Zach, you can’tmean that.” Irationalized with him and myself alike. Iliked him, but babies? No. He couldn’thave wanted them himself. It had to be the alcohol. “You don’t. You have your firm, clients, Joel. Babies don’tfit in that mix, remember?”
“They will with you.” The water he drank cleared his throat and his speech was clearer, unfortunately for me. “With us. Together.”
Igripped both sides of his face, intent on finding the truth within his ocean blue eyes—what part of it was drunk talk and what parts were the real Zach. Through the tiny, barely there, sparkles in his blues, Icould tell Zach meant every single thing he said, intoxicated or not.
It was as if the weight of the entire universe had dropped on my shoulders and landed in my chest, heavy and suffocating. What he said in the hotel, about being more, had struck me with the same intensity. But then he corrected himself and I’dbeen able to convince myself Ihad misinterpreted him.
Evidently, I’dheard him just fine. Of course I’dnoticed atransition in the last few weeks, small things he said, the different way he touched me. And Ichanged too, my feelings for him. I’dseen through the mask of the confident and sexy asshole he presented himself to be, getting more and more attached to the man with aheart the size of the universe.
He won me over with what he was willing to do for me and for Olivia, as well as with what he hadn’tdone. He had never tried to change me, hadn’tcomplained or asked me for more than Ihad in me to give.
Zach would’ve been the one person Iwould’ve gone to if Iwould’ve planned to put my career as second best, to settle down, get married and have kids, the entire package. Him and no one else. Which saddened me to my core since Ihad no such plans, not anytime soon, if ever.
My precious business and clients demanded my love and care, and as Iexpanded, it came at the expense of my free time. Building afamily incinerated any sort of plan, and it seemed like I’dbe forced to choose. Right now Ichose as Ialways did, Ichose my business.
It’dbeen the same for him, months ago.
“We can’t. We talked about it.” My throat clogged with emotions, hating that Ihad to remind him as well as myself that we had nothing other than this.
And from what Ijust heard,thishung on avery loose thread.
Ithought we had more time.
Iwasn’tready to let go of him so fast. But Iwould, if it came down to that.
“Plans change,” he said, pulling me to him.
Even drunk, Zach’sstrength overpowered me. Our foreheads connected, our eyes talked without our mouths uttering asound.
Tomorrow morning, Iknew I’dhave to break it off. I’dhave to be adamant, be the voice of reason in this situation. When he’dsober up, he’dunderstand. Out of all the men Ihad dated or hooked up with, Zach stood out. His rational attitude toward life promised me he’dsee what we both had to lose if we changed like he wanted us to.
“I’msorry,” Ibreathed out, not wanting to confront him like this and unable to offer him the comfort he sought.
He tilted his head to kiss my lips, brushed them lightly then drew back. “Forget Isaid anything. Idrank too much. Ididn’t… Idon’tmean it. Idon’twant kids, nope.”
From feeling coherent and secure in my plan, his words and simple gesture turned my brain into mush. He threw me alifeline, to have him for awhile longer.
At what cost, though? For the slight possibility he did think about having afamily and raising kids of his own, Ihad no right to hang on to him and prevent him from doing that. It’dbe selfish and would hold him back on the hopes that one day Iwould miraculously change.
If he left, he could have any girl he chose. He had everything going for him: looks, charm, asuccessful business. All he had to do was say the word and much more beautiful, intelligent women would be lined up to give him the family he craved.
Ihad to think this through, and Ihad to do it soon.
While Icontemplated, Zach got under the covers clumsily, wrinkling them around him. He held them up and looked at me hopefully. “Hug?”
Maybe just awhile longer, the voice inside me nagged.
“Okay.”
Zach pulled me to his naked body, his palm on my stomach, his cheek against mine. He entangled our legs together, spreading mine to push his in, attaching us to one another. Itreasured my final moments with him, etched them into my memory.
“You’re beautiful.”
Pointing out that this was the fourth time he’dsaid that seemed futile, especially, as Isaid, Iliked it. Ismiled into the darkness, abittersweet smile and whispered, “Thank you, Thor.”
Knock, knock, knock.
Icracked one eye open, slowly waking up.
