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Eventually Ifound the strength to lift one foot, then the other. With my head bowed low, Ipaced with slow steps, reluctant to start what would have been the end. Zach waited for me by the couch, and when Iflopped down, he sat down elegantly.
“I’msorry about yesterday.” He rubbed his knees, looking at me.
Another shrivel of hope was ignited in me, that he’dbeen sorry about the late hour.
“I’mnot sorry about what Isaid.”
Another unfounded hope. Islumped against the cushions and dropped my head into my palms, sinking into them. Ibraced myself for reality and Ifucking hated it. Regardless of my strong emotions to the unfairness of the world, Iremained silent, giving him the respect Iowed him, the respect to voice out his wishes.
He stared directly at me, painfully sincere. “Ilike you, Laura. Ilike you alot. Iwant you and Iwant us to be more than what we have today. Itried fighting it and Ican’tanymore. It’snot fair for either of us not to pursue something more than sex.”
“Zach, I…”
“Yes, we had adeal, and I’mprobably the shittiest attorney ever to breach my own contract.” He withdrew my hand from pinching the fabric of the couch and brought it to his heart. The low, steady battering against his chest forced me to shut up and listen. “For you though, I’ll do it. I’ll piss over my own signature then burn it to the ground if the end result would be being with you.”
Out of everything funny and sweet he’dsaid, his honesty spoke to me the most. That he believed we might actually have achance at areal long-term relationship.
And maybe Idid want afuture with him, but… “But how? We barely see each other and we live ten minutes apart.”
“If we lived in the same apartment then we’dhave mornings and late nights together.” He clutched onto me tighter, the determination in his eyes compelling me to believe it was possible.
“Zach, you hardly know me, and Idon’tknow that much about you either.” Isighed, letting my hand bask in his warmth for another second before recoiling.
“Even if we do move in, which doesn’tmake much sense, what you’re suggesting is that we live like roommates. Ican’timagine you’dwant that.” Ilowered my gaze to my lap, twisting my lips. “Not when you’re planning on starting afamily.”
“Tulip.” The name sounded full of reverence, of anticipation and hurt. Ianswered his call and looked up, anxious for what Ifound there. The corners of clear blue eyes crinkled with no joy in them. “You like me, don’tyou?”
Imulled over that question for the millionth time today. Iliked him. No, that wasn’tit. Ireally, truly, butterflies-in-my-stomach liked him. Icherished him and loved our scarce hours together. Without even noticing, for the past twenty-four hours, I’dbeen mourning him, mourning us.
If Ineeded any proof of the intensity of my feelings for him, it manifested as the pain that clutched at my heart while we sat here.
All of this Ifelt, none of this Icould’ve told him. Because that knowledge would mean shit when Iwasn’tready to commit to him.
“You’dhave known if Iwouldn’thave liked you.” Ioffered him the tiniest of smiles, and flopped my head back on the cushions. And then Ilied. “Same as Ilike Erin. Same as Ilike Thomas.”
He leaned his head on his hand too, mirroring my posture. “No, not like friends. Iknow you; Ican see it in your eyes, and Ifeel it when we’re together. You. Like. Me.”
His gaze pinned me in place, daring me to lie again, even if it had achance to ruin him. “And if Ido, so what? We can’tdo it. We can’t. You have to get it in your head that this wasn’tmeant to be.”
“Do you want to spend your mornings and nights with anyone else?” he asked, undeterred by my speech.
“No, of course Idon’t. Zach, listen. That’salso not areason to get into arelationship.” Once more Ihid that not only did Inot want to wake up with anyone else, Iwanted specifically to wake up with him.
He stroked my bare knee, and Icouldn’tmuster the will to detach myself from him.
“Say we get together. It’ll start light and easy and fun, until it won’tbe. Because sooner rather than later, and it feels much sooner after yesterday’sannouncement, you’dwant kids. And Ican’tgive you that.”
His chest rose and he held this breath. Iwaited to see if he had an answer to that, and when he didn’tsay anything, Icompleted my train of thought. “One, if not the both of us, is bound to get hurt. It’ll be messy and ugly and neither of us deserves that.”
Icaressed his cheek, final soft touches of this man who evolved to be something entirely different and better and more beautiful than the friend Iinitially saw in him. “This wasn’taforever thing to begin with.”
He pinched his eyes shut, then flung them open. It was as if with only his stare he struck me and pulled me to him simultaneously. “What if Ido want this to be aforever thing?”
“You don’tknow that.” Ishook myself mentally and bent forward to kiss his forehead. “You can’tknow that.”
When Idetached my lips from him, he curled his fingers around the back of my neck. Our breaths entangled in the small space between us. “Please, just let me try. What’sthe worst that could happen?”
“Ijust don’tsee how this could lead to anything but heartbreak.” Not to mention that my heart had been cracking for awhile now.
