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CHAPTER21
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The two men sat in silence for the better part of ten minutes after they were gone. Nettie, assessing the situation came in with a tray carrying two fresh drinks and left it on the center table for them to have when they were ready.
“I don’t know what to say to you Niall, I can’t help but feel that this was all my fault. I was only trying to help. I didn’t…” He covered his face again and tried to make sense of the destruction of his life.
Niall had been paging through the journal the detective had left with him. She’d made copies of what the D.A. might need in the future for which he was grateful, he didn’t think he could ever part with the book in this lifetime.
“Sonya wouldn’t have blamed you. In fact she speaks very highly of you in here. I didn’t even know that she’d been going through so much, and you were there for her; thank you.” He was choked up, his heart torn once again as if someone had ripped a fresh band-aid off a sore cut that was just beginning to heal.
“That day you saw me, the say when I didn’t seem to recognize you, what was I like?”
“You seemed, happy, like your old self before the whole midlife crisis thing. It was right about the time Sonya started coming back to herself. I should’ve known something was going on, should’ve asked more questions. I guess in the end I wasn’t as good a friend as I thought.”
“What are you talking about? Listen to this, ‘today Riley came over to help me with the kids. You should see him with the new baby, it’s like love at first sight with those two.’
‘She can be crying her head off for hours, and no one can get her to settle down, but as soon as her uncle Riley comes through that door she’s cooing and smiling one of her gummy little smiles.’
‘I don’t know what I would’ve done without him these last few months. He’s been a great help; he freed me up enough to take care of my guy, for which I will be eternally grateful.’
“You see she loved you.” And now he knew how much she loved him too. It was all written down in this book, this book that was all he had left of her. He closed the book and held it close to his chest as if he could feel the warmth of her touch through the words that were written there.
They each took their drinks and sipped as they sat in contemplation. Riley didn’t even think about Valerie, not because he was cold, but because he didn’t have it in him to excuse her behavior. He’d told her time and time again that there was nothing going on between him and Sonya.
He’d done nothing to give her that impression short of trying to help her friend. There was nothing else he could’ve done to prove his loyalty to her. He’d loved her, supported her, and more often than not stood by her when he shouldn’t have. But this was going too far even for a man who’d taken vows.
“I think I should leave you alone, let you get back to the kids. You’ll come tomorrow? Sonya wouldn’t want you sitting here alone like this.” He didn’t know what to do with himself. He needed to get away, to think, to get his head together.
He said his goodbyes to the children and left not quite broken, but barely half the man he’d been when he showed up here today. He guessed he should’ve known that things might end up like this; that it was only a matter of time before Valerie did something they couldn’t come back from.
He wasn’t worried about his standing in the town where he’d grown up. He knew the place well enough to know that it would all blow over in a matter of months. And since he wasn’t directly responsible he was sure he wouldn’t get as much hate as his wife. But he wasn’t thinking about that.
He was thinking about the friend he’d lost and the horrible way in which she’d died. Jealousy, it was jealousy that had brought this whole thing about. And that cop. He had to give it to her even if he didn’t want to.
The way she’d laid it out, had she not found that journal there’s a good chance people would’ve gone on thinking that he was the one having the affair, and worse yet, the one who’d killed poor Sonya. He figured he’d made a narrow escape since it had looked for a while there like she’d been gunning for him.
Instead of going straight home he drove up into the woods where the police tape was still stretched across the area where they’d found the body. Standing there in the early afternoon sun, he couldn’t believe that she was really gone.
He tried to remember what he was doing that day. Beating himself up for not being there. He looked from the place where she must’ve fallen back to his place where he could barely make out the top of the farmhouse where he’d grown up in the distance.
Had she seen it too? Had she thought about the fact that he was so close? That she was that close to someone who could help? What were her last thoughts before she realized it was the end? What a horrible fucking way to die. What was it the detective had said? Her face was gone. Her beautiful face with the bright eyes!
He’d always known that Valerie was envious of her friend’s beauty and the way everyone gravitated to her and he guessed he’d been no different. But not once had he been interested in anything more than friendship.
It was the kids that had drawn them together. They’d been friendly before, but after she became ill and he read up on what was going on with her and how best to handle it, he’d made the decision to step up since everyone else was too busy.
Niall had the bank and Valerie had the gallery, plus he’d known how hard it was for her to be around the kids, she was jealous of that too. But why hadn’t I done something about it? I knew all this, knew that she wasn’t wrapped too tight, hadn’t been since her thirtieth birthday.
The problem with her was that she wanted everything to go as planned, but sometimes the best-laid plans can go to shit. He’d made light of her tantrums over the years, had told himself that she’d get over it eventually. He would’ve rather she’d killed him; then he wouldn’t have this horrible guilt that was eating away at his gut.
“I’m sorry Sonya, you didn’t deserve that, and you deserved a better friend than me.” He walked away from the spot promising himself never to return. As he made his way back to his truck his mind did go to his wife.
Part of him wanted to go to her, to help her. They’d been childhood sweethearts after all; she was the only woman he’d ever loved. But he couldn’t bring himself to stand beside her in this. Did that make him as bad a husband as he had been a friend?
He didn’t know; what he did know is that he kept disappointing the people around him, the people who depended on him. Now all he had left was the farm and his godchildren. They’re the ones who needed him now. He could only hope he didn’t fuck up there as well.
Eileen looked up when he walked through the backdoor and from the swollen eyes and red nose he knew she’d already heard. She opened her mouth to speak but he held up a hand to stop her. “Forget it, I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
