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“I clocked that so much of what I based my life on was bullshit. My relationship with Ama, my degree. All of it was to impress a man who was a liar. And I just... became really fucking sad. I couldn’t tell what was up or down anymore. Ama was sympathetic at first... actually closer to pitying. But it got frustrating for her, which I get. I mean, now I realize I was having a breakdown. I wasn’t going to class, didn’t want to go out. I wasn’t myself.
“When I told her that I was having doubts about my degree, she said I was dramatic, irresponsible, that she’d tried to be cool but this was thelast straw. It wasn’t even really a breakup, it was like . . . two people finally being set free from something they didn’t know they were trapped in. After we split, I couldn’t figure out why I even wanted to stay at that uni. I spoke to Kofi and it looked like he was having the time of his life here. Plus, Whitewell had the perfect course for me.”
“And then you decided to come scatter tings.”
Malakai laughed, the sound rumbling through my body. “When I got here, I wanted to start over. I wanted to move somewhere with no expectations of me. When people have expectations you can disappoint them. I also... man, I don’t know howlikemy dad I really am. I have his smile, I have his eyes, who the fuck knows if I have his predisposition for being a cheating asshole? Like maybe if I was in a relationship long enough, I’d turn out like him? I thought it was better to avoid them altogether. I’ve seen how destructive it can be when you fuck up.
“Thinking about it, that’s probably part of what the film’s about. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I thought it was about understanding women, but... I think maybe I’m trying to figure out what relationships are? How they can work and if I’m cut out for a real one. Trying to build a playbook to avoid failure. Just in case.”
“Kai... you’re not a cheater and you can’t inherit a cheating gene. I just think you have to trust yourself to be who you are. And I think who you are is good.”
Malakai’s arms were still anchoring me to him, and they squeezed in response to my words. His voice was slightly more gruff when he spoke again. “I haven’t really talked about any of this stuff like this before. Thanks, Scotch. For—”
“What are fake girlfriends who are also real friends for?”
There was a snug, sweet beat, before his voice gently inquired, “How can you be so sure I’m not a cheater?”
I shrugged. “You don’t hide who you are, you’re open with it. I mean, yeah, you could have been clearer on some things . . . and you’re carefulabout how much of yourself you show sometimes, but who youarewas never in question.”
Malakai was quiet for a while. “Were you cheated on?” he asked finally.
I found that once my truth tasted freedom it was harder to hold captive, particularly around Malakai. “Not exactly. I was the cheater.”
Shit.Shit.I wasn’t meant to say that. How did he do that? Mellow me enough for calcified secrets to soften and slip? Malakai said nothing, but his arms didn’t move from around my waist. My heart started pounding triple time against my chest, and my hands, holding on to Malakai’s arms, prickled. I let go of them, but he still didn’t let go of me.
“Talk to me, Scotch.”
After a few moments, my stiffened back relaxed into his chest. I let everything pour out.
I looked down at my thumbnails as they smoothed over the peachy, smooth paint of the other.
“Scotch.”
I shook my head and swiped at my streaming eyes with rough irritation. “No. No, don’t try to make me feel better, Kai. I don’t need you to do that. I hooked up with my best friend’s boyfriend—what kind of person does that? And then I ran away and hid. You were right when you called me a hypocrite. I think that’s why it stung so much. Like, who am I to give advice when I’m capable of that?”
“Kiki.”
I stayed still, my frantic words sapping all my kinetic energy, falling out of my mouth. “I should have known better. I’m full ofshit, Kai.”
“Kiki, I want to look at you when I say this.... Will you look at me?”
I sighed, then hoisted myself around so I faced him, legs folded over his thighs. I was expecting to see something like judgment trying hard not to be judgment, but he was looking at me with a nectar-gilded determination, soft focus. He swiped a thumb across my cheek, before running his knuckles down the side of my face, bending his head slightly, ensuring my gaze was locked into his.
“You’re not full of shit, Scotch. You were going through something and you’re human. It wasn’t ahookup. That prick knew you were vulnerable, and he took advantage of you.”
“I know, but I shouldn’t have—”
While Malakai’s eyes shone steel, it was mellowed by concern-creased brows. He reached to clasp my wrists, his grasp firm but tender.
“Don’t do that, Scotch. Nobuts. Would you say that if someone had written to your show? Would you have told them that they should have known better? No. You would call Nile a manipulative predator.” Malakai paused, and his eyes glinted with anger and sweetness, sugared quartz. “And you would be right.... I’m really sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. No one deserves that. You see that, right?”
I swallowed, his words helping to clear a mental fog that obscured the truth. “Yeah. Yeah, I do, thanks Kai, I just... it was confusing. That whole situation made me feel so out of control. And I spent that summer afterward trying to get it back. I’d actually got into an internship that summer. It was pretty prestigious and competitive and once you were in, you were in. You could go back there for grad opportunities. It started in July and the plan was to work at my dad’s restaurant up until then. He was still at the hospital with my mum a lot and he was stressed. My little sister was staying with my aunt and our cousins for the summer, so this was a way I could help. But when the time came, I just couldn’t go. After everything that happened and losing like...allmy friends, I just wasn’t in the right head space. The internship felt foreign, I guess. Scary, suddenly. I felt safe working at the restaurant. I kind of just wanted to hide.”
I took a fortifying breath. Malakai’s thumb swirled on my wrist lightly in a tactile cypher that my pulse translated as “I’m here.”
“Anyway, while I was working shifts, these really cool Lagos babeswould come in every Sunday. They were a group of friends spending summer in London. They used to talkloudlyabout their dating life. Give each other advice, that sort of thing. They tipped well. Once, they caught me listening. Or more like, once they saw me roll my eyes at something a Wasteman did to one of them. They asked me my opinion on the situation and I gave it.
“Apparently my advice worked and they liked it, because they started bringing me in every week on their dating lives. It was like having friends again. It inspired me to createBrown Sugar. I couldn’t make things right with Rianne, so the least I could do was stop guys doing what Nile did to the both of us—pulling friends apart. I wantedBrown Sugarto be a place where girls could feel powerful. And the music is the ultimate company. Songs about love and lust and loss. It speaks. It connects. I wanted to connect. Make people feel less alone.”
